Disclaimer: I do not, nor ever will, own the X-Files or anything
associated with the show. (But who in their right mind, even if it
were true, would write COPYRIGHT INFINFRINGEMENT IS FULLY INTENDED
anyway?)

It would please me to no end if you were to send me feedback
[lseghatoleslami@rocketmail.com]. (I have to have some way of
knowing whether or not this is any good...)

Rating: PG

Spoilers: The X-Files movie... 'cause that's what it's about.

Summary: The "hallway scene." It's been done to death, so I guess
you would call this overkill.


A Cosmic Irony
by Leila Seghatoleslami

     His words startled me. I had convinced myself that he didn't
need me. That he had never needed me. In my desperate search for a
justification for resignation I had willfully overlooked an
extensive shared past. I knew him almost as well as I knew myself.
Maybe even better in some respects. I knew how he felt about me. But
this sudden threat of separation was too much for me to bear.
Instead of showing the strength that I normally displayed I let all
my insecurities accumulate into the false supposition that he would
just let me leave. I should have known that he would call me on it.
That he couldn't just let me go off without a protest. When he
followed me out into the hallway, as I heard him start to speak, I
felt a vague panic, and then an assurance that nothing he could say
would make me turn around. My first instinct, the one that told me
to cover my ears and get out of there as fast as humanly possible,
was correct. Correct, that is, if I really didn't want him to
convince me to stay.I suppose deep down that I did.

     "You wanna tell yourself that so you can quit with a clear
conscience you can, but you're wrong."

     I didn't want to turn around. I didn't want to hear what he had
to say. At least that's what I had convinced myself. But I turned
around anyway. Something in me knew that I was about to see a
glimpse of the feelings that he so often conveyed, yet almost never
spelled out for me. I still tried to dissuade him. I tried once more
to convince him that he didn't really need me, at the same time
trying to convince myself.

     "Why did they assign me to you in the first place Mulder? To
debunk your work, to reign you in, to shut you down."

     It was true. I had been assigned to the X-Files with the
understanding that I would spy on him, give reason for the shadow
forces within the government to shut him down. Even from the
beginning I refused to be a part of that agenda. When I started to
give credence to his theories, rather than dismissing them out of
hand, we became dangerous to them. When they shut down the X-Files
without my help, they shut down both of us. From the moment I
accepted his cause, it was the two of us against the world. If I
lost him now... So I had to convince myself that I really didn't
need him and he didn't need me. He understood that even before I
consciously did. He said I was wrong. I had a feeling that I was
about to find out just how wrong I had been.

     "But you saved me. As difficult and frustrating as it's been
sometimes your goddamned strict rationalism and science have saved
me a thousand times over. You kept me honest. You made me a whole
person. I owe you everything... Scully, and you owe me nothing. I
don't know if I want to do this alone. I don't even know if I can.
And if I quit now, they win."

     I stood stunned for a moment, not knowing what to say. All too
aware that this admission had not come easily to him. Knowing that
at this very second I was the person who had caused the pain he held
inside. After the initial shock wore off, not even a whole minute
later, I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around
him in a hug. The gesture of one friend offering comfort to another.
He hugged me back. I could hardly believe that after all I had said,
all I had accused him of, he could just forgive me in a second. That
he cared so much about me that all my sins could be absolved with
only a small offering on my part. After a moment I pulled back in
his embrace and kissed his forehead. The gesture of a friend, right?
Only at this point I wasn't so sure. I knew that at times both of
our feelings had exceeded the realm of friendship, but nothing had
ever been done or said.
     We stood there, in the hallway of his apartment building, with
our foreheads pressed against each other's. Then, suddenly, he
brought his hands up to my face. He paused for a moment,
communicating to me with his eyes what he meant to do. He wouldn't
have kissed me without my approval, I knew that. At that point I was
pretty sure our actions had strayed beyond friendly. I had a choice
to make. Did I let him kiss me? It wouldn't have been such a bad
thing. It wouldn't even have destroyed our friendship. We would have
gone from friends who love each other to friends who love each other
and had kissed. Something would have been worked out from there, but
I don't believe that anything fundamental would have changed at that
point. The other choice... I don't think I ever seriously considered
the consequences of that.
     So I smiled at him, a sort of bittersweet smile, that was meant
to indicate to him that it would be okay with me if he kissed me.
His mouth moved closer and closer to my own until I could feel him
breathing. And then suddenly there was a sharp pain in the back of
my neck. I don't remember much after that, but I do remember
thinking, "All this, and we never even got to kiss."