Tavern Funnies Column
A monthly column created
by Lord Razz
Graphics, layout design and a few funnies...
by LadyEnchantresss
A Few Thoughts to Laugh
by.......
You might me a Tavern Reg....
...If you have your own
furniture in the tavern
...Spunks screams your name
(SSSSPPPPPUUUUUNNNNNNNKKKKKKKSSSS!!!!)
...you find yourself at
a family reunion and when your grandmother
walks up to you, you say
HUGGLES!!!! and walk away
...you write a column for
the tavern news
...your parents ask you
for a copy of the paper, and you give them this
addy
...You're to lazy to walk
to the store so you try flying
...Your mom pisses you off,
so in turn, you try and summon your
familiar to destroy her
...You've died more times
than Angel of Luck
...You remember when everyone's
name didn't end in butt...(scorpibutt
for example...love ya mom)
...You start designing your
RL castle that you will one day own
...You come to Niagara FallZ
to meet a bunch of nutbars
...You have cyber sex with
one of those nutbars
...You have RL sex with
one of those nutbars
...You have at one time
dated or are still dating one of those nutbars
...You've cybered with Rio
And finally...You might
be a Tavern Regular if you
say....."No...please...call
me by my real name...Lord RazZ...."
The RL Tavern party shopping
list (if everyone was there)
1. Tub of green jello
2. Massive cage for
massive chicken
3. Matching Gold G-strings
for RazZ and Rio
4. Computers...lots
and lots of computers...
5. Chaise for scorpibutt
6. Nametags that say
things like "Hi....I'm your mom"
7. Nametags with "butt"
printed on the end of every single one
8. Memnoch's dagger...gee...I
wonder who has that?
9. Cowboy hat and
lasso for RazZ
10. Torture rack for
Lady Enchantresss and guest/victim
11. Multiple tombstones
for Angel of Luck
12. 1 bed...you never
know...it could happen...
13. Daggers, rope,
handcuffs, mud wrestling pit, chairs, tables,
bathtubs, hot tubs....etc...(
way more likely to happen....) :)
14. Loud speaker for
Death Pool so he can talk about himself....(luv
ya deathy bud....LOL)
15. Poke T-Shirts...oh
come on now...you know we're all gonna wear em
16. Liscensed large
busted Swiss tutor named olga....to teach how to
Poke...
17. Swedish bikini
team...to practice Poking on... *grinZ evilly*
18. Lots and lots
of blood wyne
19. RazZ's Big Ass-ed
Comfy couch
20. A large box to
hold the bodies after Rio and RazZ get shit faced
and start taking out a bunch
of muppets. *high five's Rio*
well...there's the second
one...I hope ya like that one too....LOL...ok
ok ok...I'm a bugger...I
know...but ya gotta luv me..don't ya?
See ya laterZ,
The God like man himself,
Lord RazZ of Poke
PS...POKE!!!
and now a few funnies
from the editors desk...
Beer Quotes of the
famous and infamous:
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline -
it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some
nuclear weapons, but
at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always
do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken
out of me.
--Winston Churchill
He was
a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine
Zandonella
A woman
drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam,
if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God
had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about
the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that
God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach
total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot
out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest
invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh,
I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the
world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves
beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone
in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals
are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there
would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other
people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
(Tresss' personal favorite quote)
They who drink beer
will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man
is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell
Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if
you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain,
I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll
get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
Just remember, The more
you drink, the better we look..
-- LadyEnchantresss, Editor
And yet one more contribution
from the editor's desk...
Love, Lust And Marriage
LOVE - When your eyes meet
across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues
meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose
your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse
is called "making Love."
LUST - When intercourse
is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell
are you talking about?
LOVE - When you share everything
you own.
LUST - When you steal everything
they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank
owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter
if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship
is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems
about your partner.
LUST - When all you write
is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you
write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern
for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't
care less
MARRIAGE - When your only
concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your farewell
is "I Love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell
is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell
is a relief.
LOVE - When you are proud
to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see
each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never
see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters
every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches
every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet
empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When nobody else
matters.
LUST - When nobody else
knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - When all the songs
on the radio describe exactly how you
feel.
LUST - When the song on
the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen
to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up
is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together
is something you try not to think
about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting
through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only
interested in doing things with your
partner.
LUST - When you're only
interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only
interested in your golf score.
LOVE- When you fall asleep
with thoughts of your partner.
LUST- When you awaken with
wet dreams about your partner.
MARRIAGE- When you pray
to every known source you can just stay asleep.
and finally..
LOVE- Something you find
in time.
LUST- Something that loses
interest with time.
MARRIAGE- Something that
becomes familiar in time
DIVORCE- Something that
passes the time wonderfully..
Look for next month's
humour page, including lists, Quotes, and just plain funny ass shit....LMAO