I apologize for the long wait, IOC got wind of this page and cut me off AOL for over a week. Now I have returned, and will expose what is possibly the greatest conspiracy of all time.
Is it the conspiracy behind the Kennedy assasination? Sorry. The Rosewell cover-up? Area 51? Hangar 13? No. Is it Watergate? Too late. How about the conspiracy to hide the fact that President Clinton is actually a member of a shapeshifting, timetraveling, warp-capable race set out to distract the citizens of Earth before a major takeover? What? You haven't heard of that one? It's true! True, I tell you! But , unfortunately, not what I have here. Perhaps the Anti- Gryphon/Anti-mythical creatures conspiracy? Those are definitely big, but not my province.
Now, don't become frustrated because your guessing was in vain. This conspiracy is not only operating on a grander scale than any other imaginable, but has somehow managed to remain very elusive, and low-profile. I cannot tell how I managed to acquire this information, but I can assure you it was through the most reliable of sources. What I have to tell you will shock and astound you.
You see, all inanimate objects are telepathically linked in a web of grand scale, and will stop at nothing to complete their grand design of ruling human life forever. Some objects are fairly harmless, hoping only to derive amusement through this, while a hard-core section will soon attempt to destroy civilization as we know it.
From my observations, different objects have different capabilities with which to disrupt the daily life of humans. Keys and small objects, such as pens, pencils, and pet boulders (maybe not that last one...) can spontaneously teleport. They have a sense to tell when humans require their use, and vanish from even the most secure of places, reappearing after the task is finished or has been abandoned. Upon their return, they usually have a smug, self-satisfied look. Some never reappear- pens are notorious for such, as are socks-which, contrary to popular belief, are not dryer food. The dryer merely uses its teleportation capabilities to aid the socks in a grand journey across time and space to the Sock Motherworld. (Or maybe the dog just eats them- but that's a bit wild, don't you think?)
Higher levels of inanimate objects, such as toasters, microwaves, and blenders also play a part in this conspiracy. Toasters randomly change the level of brown each setting gives. (ex: one day a "2" leaves the bread white and untouched, the next day, charcoal.) Microwaves derive great pleasure from things that go "boom", and are sure to explode, scorch, or "accidentally" boil whatever is placed in them. This does not hold true for older microwaves, which lack the energy to do so, but they find their ways, as well. That door doesn't stick closed while allowing the aroma of buttery popcorn to waft out for no reason... And as for blenders, they tend to puree when chunks are desired, and generally maul anything placed within them. The classic "blender overflow" is not entirely due to physics, either.
Water-related appliances can be quite devious when they so desire. Water fountains purposefully adjust the height of spray to be at the most inconvenient level. Sinks tend to sputter, and the hot water heater either becomes scalding, or refuses to heat the water at all. Garbage disposals, after growling menacingly, somehow manage to swallow whole plastic cups, as well as cutlery.
The next level, even more powerful, is comprised of televisions, radios, CD players, and VCRs. Televisions can flicker on and off, colours mysteriously adjust themselves, and somtimes televisions cease working altogether for short periods of time. Radios enjoy adjusting volume with no regard to the music, and also always seem to be tuned to bad country when the power is turned on. CD and tape players, unlike dryers, actually do enjoy eating items. VCRs constantly reset themselves to make the clock flash "88:88", and also eat tapes. They also find it amusing to tape Spanish televangelists, rather than the program you had intended.
Naturally, the upper echelons of this conspiracy are composed of our dearest friends, computers. Computers hold all of our darkest secrets, from military intelligence to stock information to the IRS audit list. They know when large downloads reach 99% complete, and choose that moment to cut internet connections. They refuse to print essays the day before the report is due. They lose vital files, create "illegal operations" (Are the typo demons running a casino in there?), and generally make themselves a pain, yet at the same time seem to be indispensable in today's society. Is the Y2K bug completely the fault of the programmers, or was it a more sinister force? Computers have yet to demonstrate their full potential for destruction. Modem errors, vital equipment self-destructing, and novels vanishing into thin cyberspace is only the beginning of the horrifying future that will occur should computers be allowed to retain membership in the IOC.
"What can I do to stop these activities?" you may ask. That is a good question, indeed. As of yet, there are no known ways to completely block an object's innate capabilities. However, the first step to combat any foe is information. Inform all of your family and friends of this. You may also link to this website using the banner provided below.
Thank you for your help in the quest against the Inanimate Object Conspiracy!
(c) MMA 1998. Last edited Jan. 8.
people have discovered one of the grand secrets of the universe.