UPDATED sept 8th!!!!!!!!!! newest at bottom of page
The Debate of the Century:
The 2000 Candidates!
Question one: Should the president serve as a moral leader for the counrty?
"I don't think that the president should be a moral leader, but i think the state of Texas should be, that is why, if I am elected president i will pass legslation the will grant Texas it's independence from the union, because after all as we all know Texas is the greatest place on Earth, and Texans are superior to all."
"NO no no. Texas is not superior, texas is a harbor of filthy mexican immigrants. I think we should build a wall around the southern border to keep out those damn drug smuggling immigrants. As far as being a moral leader I think that the president should be a moral leader, i think that this country , mainly the white people have their morals all mixed up, the minorities are planning to take this great country from the white majority, and we the white people have been letting them. It is time the we stopped lettting them walk all over us."
"Wow..calm down Pat. any way I do think that the president should be a moral leader for the country. espically after that last fruit cake we had in office, i will set a much better example the ole slick willie.Family values is very inportant to me.
"*snif**snif* Slick willie?! i hate you you bastard! have you no concern for other people's feelings. I'm leaving."
"Awwww......Billie..wait come back I didn't mean it like that. you know i still love you right? ....right?"
Question two: Where do you stand on Foreign Policy?
"I'm glad you asked that. I think since that I already know all the names of the important leaders of other nations I should be elected, and I will continue to enforce many of the policies that Bill Clinton have set in motion."
"Who?...What?....What are these "other nations" that you speak of? So you are telling me that there are other countries just like the U.S all over the world?"
"Shut up you ignorant fool!!!!!! My foreign policy would to be 1)re-instate the third reich, 2)finish the holocaust, 3)repeal the emancipation proclamation, 4)colonize africa I think that it is time for the superior white people to reclaim the world that is right fully theirs. Heil Hitler!!!!"
"If I am elected president I will use my power to form an all powerful christian state, which would be backed by the U.S military. Then I would bully other nations to join, and if they refuse I will threaten to wage a Holy War against them. And after the entire world is under the rule of my Christian Church State, I will then proceede to eliminate the scum of society, those people who hold society back, my first target will be those damn dirty homosexuals....did I say 'homosexuals?' what I meant to say was those damn dirty faggots!...God Bless all!"
"I hate the way the other nations of the world can't solve their own problems then they come to the U.S asking for help. So we help them. Then they say that we botched the job and that they hate us for getting involved. For example in the Persian Gulf war only two of our euorpean allies signigantly contributed to the campaign. I feel that the would is using the U.S and pushing us around. Well i think that it is time that we push back. If I am elected president I will send troops back to Vietnam to finish what we started there...and to find a canteen that I lost while serving there. I will also bomb all countries that oppose the U.S, either militatily, economic, or morally. I will not hesitate to bomb any european nation that criticizes America, and I will bomb the middle east if they dont lower their oil prices, and I will bomb China if they don't grant human rights. I will also.........."
"What!!!!! You gonna bomb us?!! ooooooohhhhh!NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! We is gonna bomb YOU!!!! ooooo we gonna bomb you. we gonna have terrorists blow you up!!!!!!"
"Oh be quiet you camel raping barbarian!"[BANG]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN SEN. JOHN McCAIN JUST SHOT SADDAM HUSSAIN.
"It's gonna take more than that to stop me!!! You bloodied my suit! ooooooohhhhh now you gonna get it!"
March 25th
"So it looks like it's just you and me now pretty boy!"
"Did you call me a pretty boy?"
mar 28th
"What do you mean just you two? I'm still in this!"
"Me too!"
"You two don't stand a chance. You don't have the money to compete."
"That's why if I'm president I'd enact a strict campaign finance reform law, as well as the conversion of the corrupt capitalist economy into a full socialism. And I've exhumed the body of Karl Marx and have declared him as my running mate."
"If you can have a dead guy for your running mate, then I can nominate my wife ,Tipper, as my vice president."
"Great! The first thing that I'm gonna do as president...I mean VICE president, is to outlaw all punk, heavy metal, and rap music! As well as dungeons and dragons. And I will forbid the production of any movie that would normally get a rating higher than pg. All video games would be illegal, and so would the internet and....."
"SHUT UP WOMAN!!!!! You are dragging me down!
"Hey jackass! Women can't be vice presidents!."
"I am against campaign finance reform, because to do so would be a violation of freedom of speech. As we all know people who have lots and lots of money are better than everyone else, and therefore should be allowed to use their money to prevent other people from being heard."
How do you think that the U.S should deal with China?
"I think that we should enact a policy that would protect american workers."
"We should declare another cold war, this time on china, cause they are the new evil empire and they must be stopped!!!."
"I'll do what ever they want as long as they keep funding my campaign."
"Kill them all....let God sort them out."
April 29th
What is your reaction to Janet Reno's raid to forcibly take Elian?
"I feel that Janet Reno did an excellent job. In fact it was actually my idea!"
"Its kind of ironic Cubans come to america to escape opression and then the government goes and raids their homes with machine guns. I'm moving to Cuba!"
"I think that it was a tragedy. Elian would be better off in America. After all the realitives have more money than the father and as we all know, the more money you have the better of a person you will be."
"For once I agree with Janet Reno. She's got the right idea, but I don't think that we should stop there. We should raid the homes of every immigrant and send 'em all back! HAHAHaHAHAHA!!!!"
May 12th
"Recently I have been accused by my opponents of 'softening' my views on some of the issues in order to gain more voters. Well all I have to say to them is this...."
"I have devolped these handsome 'pieces of flair' that I will require all rightful citizens of the U.S.A wear. That way anyone with out this 'piece of flair' can be more easily identified as an immigrant, and therefore more easily persecuted!"
"Wow Pat that sounds really interesting. But on the other side of the political spectrum, I promise to be the most liberal president ever, and allow people more freedom to express themselves"
"Heh heh heh. Good joke Ralph, but I am way more liberal than you. I would be the most liberal and most compassionate president ever. I actually care about people, and..."
"Do you really think that you are more liberal tham me?!! I'm so liberal I'm practically a Communist."
"That is correct Ralph. Because in my years as vice-president I have fought for more health care coverage, as well as various programs which are designed to save social security, and...."
"You call that being liberal?! I'll show you liberal!"
"I hate Communists."
"Now this is liberal! You want some of this? PUNK! I am the most liberal man in the world! Liberace dosen't have a thing on me!! HAHAHA!!"
"Well I don't exactly call that being liberal, I just call it being a jackass."
"I thought that all democrats were jackasses. After all the democratic party mascot is a jackass."
"Now hold on here. There is no need for name calling."
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"As the newest lame duck president I don't have any thing better to do. Hey have you guys seen that home video that I made? Pretty funny huh? I think that after my term in office I might want to get in to movies. Here I'll play the video that I made and you guys and give me notes."
June 9th, I recieved an email from a young kid who was surfing the web and found this site. He wanted to know which pokemon were the candidates' favorite.
"I HATE all pokemans. They are just a ploy, designed to get America's youth to send all their parent's money to Japan in exchange for pokeman crap! The Japanese are hording American dollars so that one day they will have soo much American currency they will be able to control our government. This will be done by making demands and when their demands are not met they will threaten to sell off the U.S currency that is in their possesion, thus skyrocketing inflation and collapsing the American economy!! THEY MUST BE STOPPED!!!!!!!"
"Well that's a very interesting theory Pat. And I think it's 'pokemon' and not 'pokeman'"
"SHUT UP BITCH!!!!!"
"I also hate pokemon. Espically that.. oh what is it? You know that damn little one it's yellow, kinda squirly looking. Porkachu, or something like that "
"Pikachu. Pikachu."
"Yeah thats it Pikachu. I mean come on, are we supposed to think it's cute? That thing looks like a rat. And I hate rats. There used to be rats in Texas, but not any more. I made tham all extinct."
"Being that I'm a liberal, it comes to no suprise that I'm the only one here who is in touch with today's youth. I have to admit that I think those little suckers are kinda cute. But I think that the show is bad because, in the cartoon the pokemon are like animals and if kids see that they might think that it is okay to train thier pets to fight each other."
"Pikachu. Pikachu."
"Hey Who let that thing in here!?"
"GET EM' IT'S A SPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I think pokemon is a conspiracy spearheaded by the media. They created the show and all of the pokemon releated propaganda to drive up ratings. Once rating are high the tv stations can charge more for advertisments. I think that kids should be encouraged to learn more rather than watch tv. Pokemon is almost an epidemic! 4 out of 5 kids ages 3-45 can name over 100 pokemon but can't even name 10 elemements from the periodic table. It makes one question what we are teaching our kids."
"PIKACHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!"
"OUCH!!!"
"AAAHHHHHHH MOMMIE!!!!!!!"
"DAMNIT THAT STINGS"
"ARGH!!!"
"As you may have heard I have announced who my running mate will be. Richard Cheney! I selected him because I think that his ideas and views of the different issues will be an asset to the campaign. An example is his flimsy 'pro-life' stance"
"Hee Hee! It's true! Hee Hee! I am flimsy on the issue of abortion Hee Hee!.....I can be an asset to Mr. Bush's campaign because of this flippy floppy stance on abrotion...and...and since i giggle like a little girl I might be able to persuade girls ages 5-13 to vote for George W. Bush. Hee Hee!"
"Well Gore it looks like I made the first move. Who is your choice?"
"Well I have given this alot of thought and I have chosen and my running mate. Kevin Eubanks of the 'Tonight Show' band."
"Hey man, how yall doin'?"
"Since Kevin is a guitar player he can play some music at my pep rallies! I chose him because he is cool and hip. He will be able to allow me portray a more energetic and youthful campaign. Also since he can't "get any" if you know what I mean. I won't have to worry about any scandals, like Bill Clinton had."
"I too have been pondering who my vice-president shall be. Earlier I expressed my wishes to exhume the body of Karl Marx and declare him as my number 2, but apparently it is not allowed to have a dead guy as a vice-president, and plus there was a dispute about recovering his body. Apparently he was, according to his last wishes, buried under a brothel in Amsterdam, apparently he 'had a little somethin' on tha side', if you know what I mean. Then I decided to nominated Leon Trotsky as my VP but apparently he too is also dead. So after a long brainstroming session I have decided that my VP will be..."
"Gore you are such a jackass! Why didn't you pick someone who will help your campaign? Instead you pick this goon."
"Well, first of all Kevin might be a goon but he is an all around nice guy. Secondly having a hip black man as my running mate will help distance me from my label as a washington insider. And look at your choice. Richard Cheney! HA! You are just now taping into the voters who want a candidate who is flimsy on issues like abortion. Well I've been getting those votes all along. In fact I used to be Pro-Life, but now I'm Pro-Choice. Can't get much flimsier than that!"
"Goon! HAHAHA. That's funney man. It reminds me of the time Ed Hall called Jay a goon and then Jay...."
"Ummmm....I wasn't finished talking. I still haven't announced my Vice-pesident yet....Hello?....is any one even listening to me?"
"Shut up! Why are you still here? You should just endorse me and then just leave! You don't have a chance to win."
"That's not true I still believe that enough Americans will realize that they do have a real choice, rather than just voting for the "best of the worst" Bush vs. Gore. Once people realize that there is a real candidate out there I will have a shot to win this thing."
"That's not true!!!!!!!!! I think that the American people will realize that there are only two candidates with enough money to run the country, one of them is me!"
"Money schmoney! I've got something to say and you all are going to listen. John Hagelin is a PUNK!!!!!!!!! oooooo Look at me i'm John Hagelin I'm leader of the Natural Law party but i'm running for the Reform Party nomination. ooooooooo
Natural Law. I'm so special if I don't win the Reform nomination I'll just run back to the Natural Law Party and run on their ticket. wwwaaaaa wwwwaaaaa I'm a big baby!! Look at me im soooooo smart much smarter than pat buchannan. I know all about every thing I have a phd, I know all about the stars, I can name them all, look there's sagitarius, I am so great, I am a co-devolper of the Grand Unified Field Theory, and I know all about plants and biology, blah blah.......................{he continues to rant and rave but no one listens}"
"Not that you care, but Sagitatius is actually a constellation not a star, like you claimed."
"Well Well Well. Look at who we have here."
Aug. 25TH. In the spirit of the national debates the Online Debates have decided to exclude any new candidates who want to participate in the dabates. Therefore John Hagelin will not appear as promised and any further mention of his existence will just be ignored. Also I promised an appearence by the Power Puff girls but the debates take place after their bed time.
"Wowiee!! I am on a roll. Look out George W Bush. That was one heck of a convention we had in L.A.. It could not have gone any better, except for those protestors outside, but they don't vote anyway so they don't really matter. Now I'm ahead in the polls!! I think part of my recent sucess has to do with my dropping Kevin Eubanks as my running mate and adding John Lieberman."
"Hey! Come on man. I though we were friends."
"You know the only reason why I chose you is to distance my self from Washington, but my advisiors told me that I could do better by selecting John Lieberman who is jewish, that way not only would he help my campaign but he will also help Hillary's campaign in New York, where there is a large Jewish community. So out with blackie in with Jew boy."
I MUST ASK ALL CANDIDATES FROM HERE ON OUT TO PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING RACIAL SLURS
"Where's Tipper? I wanna make out."
[smooch smooch]
"Well since I am Al Gore's running mate, and will be the next vice president, I should tell you a little about my self. I am Jewish. And I observe saturday as the Jewish day of rest. That means I won't work on saturdays, and if I don't work on saturdays that might cause me to be neglectful of some of my duties. So to prevent this I will declare all saturdays as national holidays! I am a "wolf in sheep's clothing, that is to say I claim to be a democrat but I vote conserative. I support school vouchers, I supported Tipper's crusade to censor EVERYTHING, and I even support George W Bush's plans for social security! And as Vice President I will have a forced conversion of all Americans to Judhism. And there will be a law that will require everyone to attend a synagouge at least once a week. And your kids will pray in school too!"
Political pundits predict that this election will have the lowest turn out in American history! Why do you think that is?
"I think that it is because people are sick and tired of the Republicans. And they are fed up with the Democrats, who are supposed to represent the political 'left' but are currently just slightly to the left of Hitler. The same ideas just keep getting recycled, and no real progress is made, but then again if some of these problems were actually solved the the two major parties would have to find new "real" issues to debate, and that would never happen. Another factor is that people feel that the government is so watered down wit corperate money, that they don't count, and that their vote dosen't matter. They believe this because that's what the govenrment tells them. And that's the way the government wants it. Take a look at the candidates for example, Al Gore is a primary stock holder in an oil company, and recieves money from the pharmacy industry, and George W. Bush is a corperate conglamerate desgiused as a human being!"
"Hey come on, thats not fair to say that!!! Just because I support, Penzoil, Exxon, Mc Donalds, and I drink Pepsi,The Joy of Cola!, dosen't give you the right to call me a corperate congeil...conglmra....a...a...corperate watchimacallit.....And don't forget to use America Online. The fastest easiest way to get online!"
"Conglermate. I have the right to call you what ever I want, it's called the 1st ammendment."
"That's why i support the repeal of the 1st ammendment. I just don't think it's right for people to go around calling people names that they don't understand. The 1st ammandment is also why the voter turn out will be so low, everyone will be at home playing violent video games, instead of voting."
"I think that the reason that the voter turn out will be so low is because all the people who are expected to stay at home and not vote are people who support me, Al Gore. They are choosing to stay at home because they know that I have already won the election and that their vote will not be needed on election day."
"How wrong you are! People aren't voting because on the immigration problem. It has gotten so bad that people are afraid to leave their homes, for fear that if they go to vote on tuesday they won't have a home to come back to, because immigrants will have moved in and changed the locks while good hard working Americans are using their right to vote. Voting turn out will continue to be low until the immigration problem is solved. Americans should be able to leave their homes with out having to worry about immigrants moving in and taking over."
"man that guy who runs this website is a major league asshole.....What this microphone is on?!!!"
"Me and me staff have concluded that taking part in the debates will negativly effect my campaign. So I have decided that I will no longer take part in these debates. I will now only debate on the CBS network at the same time as 'who wants to be a millionaire. That way I can minimize the people who will see me in the debates. Bye.
how do each of you feel about the death penalty?
"I am opposed to the death penalty. I think that because our justice system, or injustice system to be more exact, is so corrupt that many innocent people are convicted and put to death, so as president I would abolish the death penalty. In fact our justice system is so corrupt I think that all of our prisoners are innocent, and I would grant them all their freedom."
"Well...I see it kinda differently, mabey that's just a difference in opinion. I support the death penalty. I think that we need to be tough on crime, in order to protect the family. I think that executions send a good message to kids, and helps keep them on the right track."
"No it dosen't. Allowing the government to kill people doesn't teach 'thou shall not kill'. But what it does teach them is that if you want to kill some one all you have to do is become govenor, and then you can kill who ever you want."
"I also support the death penalty. The death penalty is the right thing to do, if some one commits a henius crime they can only be judged by God so it is our job to execute them so God can judge them in the after life. I also think that illegal immigration should be punishible by death."
"Hee Hee I LOVE the death penalty! I think it is the ultimate punishment and should be used liberally. Some people are concerned that innocent people are being killed, but I'm not. So what if they are? What's a few dead innocent people compared to the security you get knowing that Texas has killed hundreds and hundreds of criminals? hee hee Some also say that poor people can't afford any lawyers that can or will fairly, and properly defend them. So what "Kill kill kill. Kill the poor. Kill kill kill. Kill the poor toniiiiiteee!!!!!!"
Please note the the author (Jello Biafra and the Dead Kennedys)of the song "Kill the Poor" in no way endorse George W. Bush."
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