2. Start the conversation with, "My call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"

3. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

4. Use CB lingo where applicable.

5. Answer their questions with questions.

6. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

7. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

8. Stutter on the letter "p."

9. Change your accent every three seconds.

10. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

11. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

12. Use explitives like "Great Caeser's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

13. Try to talk while drinking something.

14. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often, act embarrassed.

15. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

16. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the backround. Yell "Ow!" when a bullet is fired.

17. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the phone back into place and scream goodbye at the top off your lungs.

20. Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

21. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

22. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

23. After ordering, say "I wonder what this button does." Simulate a cutoff.

24. Say "Ksssssssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

25. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.

26. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

27. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

28. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line, and you're going with the lowest bidder.

29. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

30. Use these bonus words in the conversation. ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, RAMBUNCIOUS.

31. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

32. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

33. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

34. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (i.e. if calling Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

35. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

36. Rattle off what you want with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

37. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

38. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

39. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

40. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetter's Camp, right?"

41. Start your order with "I'd like..." A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

42. If they repeat your order to make sure they have it right, say "Okay, that'll be $10.99, please pull up to the first window."

43. Rent a pizza.

44. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

45. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a huge sigh of relief.

46. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

47. Say, "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

48. Tell them to double-check to make sure that your pizza is, in fact, dead.

49. Imitate the order taker's voice.

50. Play a sitar in the backround.

51. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate it if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you could surprise him/her.

52. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

53. Ask to see a menu.

54. Quote Carl Sandberg

55. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

56. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

57. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

58. Order a slice instead of a whole pizza.

59. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

60. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

61. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

62. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

63. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

64. Call to complain about service. Later, call and say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

65. tell the order taker to tell his manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

66. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

67. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

68. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I will not be swayed by your sweet words."

69. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nosehairs.

70. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

71. Ask about pizza maintenence and repair.

72. Be vague in your order.

73. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time!"

74. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

75. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with this term, and ask that this be done to your pizza.

76. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

77. When listing toppings on your pizza, include another pizza.

78. Learn to play a blues riff on a harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

79. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

80. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it-pimple-faced gofer.

81. Put them on hold.

82. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

83. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

84. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

85. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

86. When given the price, say "Ooooooh, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

87. Haggle.

88. Order a one-inch pizza.

89. Order term life insurance.

90. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

91. Order with a Speak-and-Spell where applicable.

92. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

93. Engage in some serious swapping.

94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

96. Order a steamed pizza.

97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so. Hang up.

98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

99. When they say "What would you like?", say "Huh? Oh, you mean now."