Summary: In the hospital, Koriand’r comes to a few realizations. Sequel to “Delaying A Decision.”
I hate hospitals. I feel paralyzed in them, confined inside my bed when I could be out flying free in the skies and absorbing the warmth of the sun. And it’s even worse when I’m a patient.
The doctors are keeping me overnight for “observation,” whatever that is. I don’t really understand it. The lady nurse, Maura’s her name I think, explained that it was some legal thing to keep themselves out of trouble in case I’m really hurt and they don’t catch it. How stupid. Anybody could see that I’m fine, thanks to Raven. I feel fit enough to fly around the world, but I’d only cause trouble by getting up and leaving like I want to. So I suppose I’ll just stay here until the morning.
How odd. Only a year ago I would have thought nothing of flying out of here at top speed. After all, I was Tamaranean – not only that, but a princess of Tamaran, and Terran ways were not mine to respect. What was the sense of sitting around when I could be taking action? But now I lie here uselessly and wait because, as Dick puts it, I’ve “begun acclimating.”
I wonder if that’s as good a thing as he thinks it is?
I shift restlessly in the bed and turn over on my side. Dick. I suppose I should think about him, and what I’ve just done to our relationship, but for some reason my mind keeps turning back to Raven. Ever since I kissed her a few days ago I can’t stop thinking about her. I never meant for that to happen. I loved – I love – Dick. So how could one insignificant kiss affect me so much? Especially since I did it for her benefit, not mine. I only wanted to show her how much I cared about her, how much all of the Titans do. But it…it didn’t work out that way. And I don’t know why.
Whatever happened, it didn’t help things with me and Dick. He was already being so cold to me, sometimes acting like I didn’t even exist. Donna and I talked about it a lot. She explained that Dick tries to do and be so many things: leader of the Titans, the Batman’s partner, his own man, and he can’t manage it all. So the stress gets to him and he sometimes takes it out on me. I thought I understood that. But that didn’t make it okay, not for me. Tamaran is so very different. No Tamaranean man would ever treat his lover that way – certainly my father would never act like that toward my mother.
And sometimes…I hate to even think this…the way Dick acted reminded me of my time as a Citadel slave. Of course he never mistreated me, and I know that he loves me, I really do. But while I was a prisoner I was ignored as much as I was abused. I was treated like I was less than nothing. And now, to be ignored by the man I came to love so much, just began to hurt so badly I couldn’t take it.
Still, I might have stayed with him anyway and weathered it out. I suppose it would have passed eventually. Except that two nights ago I felt Raven in my head.
As X’Hal is my witness, I never expected that.
Maybe I conjured her up myself. Maybe I imagined the whole thing. I only know that Dick and I were making love and it felt so…mechanical to me. I was enjoying it, and he was doing all the right things, but his mind wasn’t wholly there like it’s been before, when I felt such wonderful communion with him. I missed him, even though we were right there so close together. So when he bent to kiss me, I thought about kissing Raven. It made me feel a little guilty for a second, but it also made me feel warm. And then it seemed like she was there with me.
I still don’t understand what I felt then. All I thought was, “Raven’s here,” and then I came hard in Dick’s arms. I think he was surprised, because he followed me just a second or two later, and he usually has more control. As we lay there shaking together, I decided I must have imagined it, or been fantasizing, or whatever. And at any rate it didn’t matter, because I thought he would hold me in his arms now, kiss me, and then we could go to sleep cuddled together. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex, but the snuggling has become my favorite part – it seems so much more intimate now, and I needed that intimacy so badly.
But he left. Said he had some kind of “investigation” to do. I’m sure I smiled and nodded and said whatever I was supposed to say, but all I remember is crying afterwards. I thought my heart was broken for certain. Maybe it was. And then the feeling suddenly went away, to be replaced by warmth…a warmth I haven’t felt since leaving Tamaran’s sun. I felt like I was being wrapped up in this beautiful cocoon and rocked slowly to sleep, like my mother used to do when I was little, safe and protected and loved so very much. I dreamed – I can only suppose that it was a dream – that it was Raven, not my mother, who was holding me so, and that she watched over me while I slept, like I wanted Dick to. After being a slave, is it so wrong for me to want someone to look out for me? I know the Warlords of Okaara wouldn’t approve, and I certainly know how to fend for myself, but I can’t help thinking it feels really nice to have someone else being my protector for once.
The strange thing was, even while I was asleep, I was aware of time passing. I didn’t have dreams, just wonderful sensations of security and love cradling me all night and making me feel completely rested. So I knew when morning came, and I mourned its arrival because it meant all this would have to end. And then I dreamed that Raven was crying, touching my face and telling me…
**I am sorry, Koriand’r, princess, my own, beloved…**
…and then she disappeared. I woke up a little bit later when Donna came into the room and we talked for a while, about our evenings, about Dick and Terry. I didn’t tell her about the dream. The ending was so strange. Why did I dream about Raven being sad? The rest of it had been so lovely! I guess maybe my mind was filling in the details, though…Raven has seemed very sad lately. And alone, and isolated.
But I couldn’t get the dream out of my head. I didn’t want to see Dick or even talk to him; I only wanted to see Raven and find out if I felt that same calm peace in her presence as I had in my dream. I told myself it was silly, but who was I hurting? Nobody would ever know. I was going to wait until the meeting, but on the day of it I couldn’t wait. I called her room in the Tower, but she wasn’t there. It was a Saturday and I knew she didn’t have any classes at the college she goes to. So I thought I’d just have to wait – until the thought came into my head, She’s at the hospital.
Now, I don’t know how I knew that. I know she used to do some volunteer work at this place called St. Mary’s, but ever since she started having trouble with her healing powers Dick told her to stop. I thought she had. How silly of me, to think that the whole world would do whatever Dick asked, just because I did. So I bundled up in a bunch of coats and scarves – I never will get used to these terrible cold spells – and looked at a few maps, and flew over to St. Mary’s. It never even occurred to me to call and see if she was there.
By the time I got there my common sense was telling me it was almost time for the meeting and she’d probably left by now, but I stayed. And she hadn’t left. She was obviously surprised to see me, but I was so happy to see her again. In spite of the cold, I felt warm all over. We left together, and talked a little; I don’t remember now what all we said, except I told her that I loved her, and I do remember wishing I could explain how much, and how glad I was that we were friends.
Then the gunshots. I let my warrior’s side take over, I guess, and it made me incautious; I’m still only starting to remember what happened in those last few minutes, except that I was so angry at those gunman for killing two innocent people and holding that poor woman hostage. I wanted to destroy them. I taunted them. And then, I’m told, they shot me, and I fell.
The next thing I remember was being bumped all over the place, even though I couldn’t seem to open my eyes, and hearing Raven’s voice inside my head again. I hurt everywhere, but she was helping me somehow, sending me strength. It wasn’t like the first time she’d healed me, back on Tamaran, when she just took the pain away; this time she was actually giving me energy so my body could cure itself. Whatever she did, it worked. And while she helped me she talked to me, telling me so many wonderful things I thought I might cry, if I’d been conscious enough to cry. She told me I had to live, because I was a light inside her, or something like that, that I was beautiful and strong, that she admired me so much, that the Titans needed me, that she needed me. That helped as much as the energy she gave me, I must say. How could I refuse to live with all the promise in her voice, promises of love unending and tireless devotion? It was what I’d been looking for all my life, what I’d hoped to find with Dick. Raven was offering it to me without thinking, Raven, who believes she can’t feel emotion! I remember swimming back up to consciousness for a few seconds, aware that she was holding my hand and that she was lying very still beside me on a bed. Some people came and took her away after a moment, and I tried to protest, but just blacked out again.
So that’s how it is, I guess. How could I stay with Dick after that? Our discussion was long and difficult, but my mind was made up. I’d been weak long enough. I don’t know what I’m feeling, just that I feel better and stronger now, even though I miss him terribly, and it hasn’t even been a day. I love Dick, and it’s not like I can just shut that off. And I think he loves me; but not enough. Our relationship wasn’t enough for either of us, and I was the first one to see it. So I ended it, like he would have in my place, and I broke his heart.
I hated doing that. Dick thinks he has to be so strong, but he depended on me for comfort a lot and I just took that away from him. I hope he finds someone else who can give him what he needs. I can’t guarantee I won’t be jealous, even though I have no right to be, but at the bottom of things I just want what’s best for both of us.
So what is best for me? My heart is whispering “Raven,” but I think it’s too soon. I feel like I need to get over Dick first, and anyway, how could Raven possibly be ready for that kind of relationship? She’s always told us she feels no emotions, and maybe she believes it. But I do know one thing now. I don’t think what happened to me a couple of nights ago was a dream. Her touch in my mind was too familiar. I think she must have been really there. X’Hal, she loves me! I don’t know how – we’re both as different from each other as we could possibly be – but she does. And I love her.
I should think about this, try to plan it like Dick would, like a leader would. First I have to be her friend, at least, a better friend than I have been. With Wally acting so horrible to her, I know she needs one. She needs me. And I already have my first step all planned out.
Raven, you can’t hide from me any longer. I don’t know where we’re going, you and I, but I think it will be beautiful. With X’Hal as our guide, we can make it together.
Fin.
{Fin.}