"I'd like to thank MTV for my three houses, my five cars and my supermodel girlfriend. Live the dream." -- Robbie Williams, accepting the award for Best Song at the European MTV awards.

"Clearly, the most effective and least discussed way to combat the ravages of stress, is heavy drinking." -- Lindsey Stokes.

"The good news for Wallflowers fans is we get to play a longer set tonight and there's even a little interlude where I will be performing an interpretive dance routine that actually Jakob [Dylan] choreographed for me." -- Mario Calire (drummer for The Wallflowers.)

"If nothing else, we've learned that maybe Everlast doesn't suck *that* much, after all." -- An anonymous Wallflowers/Everlast concert-goer.

"I like plants. I grow them hydroponically in my backyard. Don't tell the cops." -- Jon Stewart.

"I hate being able to only have a minifridge in my dorm room. What do I do with the other half of the body?" -- Anonymous.

"I am so busy doing nothing. . .that the idea of doing anything - which, as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything." -- Jerry Seinfeld, on how he's spending his time.

"You know how you go into a public restroom, and the integrity of every stall has been compromised, so you have to pick the least disgusting one? That's how I feel about dating." -- Nikki C.

"Americans in the Zeroes don't have the political language to advocate their own desires. . . Culture is vulgar, sexy and wild. . . By projecting a Party that's having a party, a party at play in the media apocalypse, we can seduce the alienated, irreverent, unregistered and unbelievable into joining together with us, and while they're seduced, we can steal their undies and design a new American flag." -- A game plan for George W. Bush and Al Gore, from The Revolution by R.U. Sirius.

" 'Gee, this house looks just like the one where they killed all those people in Scream 3!' is generally not a good thing to say to a person as you depart their home, leaving them alone in said house all night." -- Red.

"Hitting four malls in three different cities in two days does NOT make you a shopaholic." -- Red.

"Why do we put pillows in coffins when people die? If they can't get a good night's sleep at this point then I think they're pretty much out of luck." -- Adam [last name unknown].

"Come for the Elvis, stay for the cookies!" -- The Church of Elvis, Portland, Oregon.

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Unknown.

"I tried to take a valium, but I couldn't get my teeth unclenched." -- Vernon Girsh.

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, that hot, dark-haired chick thinks I'm damned sexy!" -- Red.

"Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism." -- Dave Barry.

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'" -- George Carlin.

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." -- Real warning in a Batman costume.

"A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the Universal Symphony with God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums." -- Hunter S. Thompson as quoted by William F. Buckley, who added: "Though one should be prepared to vomit rather frequently and disport with pink elephants and assorted grotesqueries while trying, often unsuccessfully, to make one's way to the toilet."

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault." -- Henry Kissinger.

"The bad thing about falling into pieces is that it hurts. The good thing about it is that once you're lying there in shards, you've got nothing left to protect, and so have no reason not to be honest." -- David James Duncan.

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective." -- P. J. O'Rourke.

"I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig." -- Alfred Hitchcock.

"Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some." -- Alfred Hitchcock.

"If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'." -- Dave Barry.

"The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him." -- Richard Jeni.

"I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking,' and then I thought, 'What good would that do?' " -- Ronnie Shakes.

"Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." -- W. C. Fields.

"A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one." -- J. Pierpoint Morgan.

"On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points." -- Virginia Woolf.

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." -- Groucho Marx.

"I like children. Properly cooked." -- W.C. Fields.

"Either the wallpaper goes or I do." -- Oscar Wilde's last words.

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." -- Mark Twain.

"Today was indeed special. Uncle Edgar usually only coated his left leg in mayonnaise whilst whistling the theme music from 'Dr. Zhivago'." -- Glen Baxter.

"I'm now going to smear clue musk on you and stand you in a field of horny clues in the middle of mating season. I think it's the only way you could ever possibly *get* a clue." -- Leah Adezio.

"The smartest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember." -- Unknown.

"I mean, if I said, 'I got so hungry the other day that I started knawing at my own flesh to the point that I now have neither muscle nor skin left on my lower arm and instead have this nasty open wound spanning the area from my elbow to my wrist that has turned this putrid shade of black and seems to attract flies and blood-sucking insects and gives me a close, personal look at the human circulatory system,' you'd be pretty disgusted. Sure it wouldn't be true, but you'd be disgusted nonetheless." -- Red.

"If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving." -- Victor O'Reilly.

"If corn oil is made of corn, and olive oil is made of olives, what is baby oil made of?" -- Unknown.

"I'm okay, you're okay, he's a little 'iffy'. " -- Unknown.

"She's not pregnant, she's just really fat." -- Red. (By the way, it's in reference to my cat. No need to call the Karma Police on me, people.)

"You needn't worry. It has absolutely nothing to do with the price of tea in China." -- Red.

"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." -- Rod Serling.

"No Grandma, the seismic activity of the Earth doesn't have anything to do with the functioning capability of your remote control." -- Red.

"History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells 'Can't you remember anything I told you?!' and lets fly with a club." -- John W. Campbell.

"If I told you, I would have to kill you. Well, okay...have it your way..." -- Red.

"She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot." -- Samuel L. Clemens. (Mark Twain) (Actually, she keeps two.)

"In the summer, lots of people come to Las Vegas who are not really aware of the heat. So I wait outside the hotels, and when people go jogging I follow them. When they pass out, I take their jewelry." -- Wayne Newton.

"Then again, maybe they *are* after you." -- Anonymous.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but at least I have good medical coverage plus AFLAC to cover my co-pays because it would be a shame if I had to lay out my own money should I have an unfortunate accident (don't get any ideas.)" -- Rich Hermann.

"Harsh detergent, or thirst-quenching refreshment?  You decide." -- Red.

"Maybe it's just me, but all this time I thought houses came with windows." -- Red.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but dust makes me sneeze." -- Red.  (Man, I hate moving!)

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening.

"Shoot low, they're riding Shetland ponies." -- Unknown.  (Written on the inside of a desk drawer in the Santa Rosa City Council Chambers.)

"I can stand the sight of worms and look at microscopic germs, but technicolor pachyderms are really too much for me." -- Pink Elephants on Parade.

"Two words: Ferris Bueller." -- Red.

"Just when you've decided life's too predictable, your brother goes to Graceland." -- Red.

"You know that dream where you're driving down the freeway in a late 80's model silver Acura with the Backstreet Boys and you wake up to the sound of someone stealing your recycling?  It's like that." -- Red.

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." -- Anonymous.

"Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon." -- Anonymous.

"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency." -- Anonymous.

"I feel like chicken tonight.  I think I'll have the fish." -- Red.

"Hard work never killed anyone, but why take chances?" -- Anonymous.

"A cat will assume the shape of the container it's packed into." -- Kate McNally.

"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope." -- P. J. O'Rourke.

"My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees." -- Douglas Adams.

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.  I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Stephen King.

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." -- H. G. Wells.

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown.

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says, 'You.' After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done." -- Anonymous.

"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." -- Anonymous.

"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time." -- Robert Byrne.

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." -- Burt Bacharach.

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomarrow, I shall be sober."

"If God had meant for us to be naked, we'd have been born that way." -- Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain.)

"You can trust the Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried every other alternative." -- Winston Churchill.

"All the good things in life are immoral, illegal, or heavily taxed." -- Oscar Wilde.

"We're all entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the priveledge." -- Anonymous.

"The difference between a genius and a lunatic is that the genius has proof." -- Dominique Bouchard.

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person." -- Samuel L. Clemens.

"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them." -- Samuel L. Clemens.

"How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise and of good will." -- Albert Einstein.

"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world." -- Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden.

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever." -- Woody Allen.

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it." -- George Bernard Shaw.

"Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like." -- Unknown.

"People have to talk about something just to keep their vioce boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

"Efficiency is intelligent laziness." -- David Dunham.

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. This would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -- Unknown. (Appeared in the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.)

"Wit is educated insolence." -- Aristotle.

"People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do." -- Unknown.

"Your best? Losers always whine about their best, winners go home and f*** the prom queen." -- Sean Connery.

"You probably wouldn't worry about what other people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." -- Olin Miller.

"I wouldn't reccomend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson.

"If you can't convince them, confuse them." -- Harry S. Truman.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." -- Ambrose Bierce.

"Religion,n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorence the nature of the Unknowable." -- Ambrose Bierce.

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." -- Carol Leifer.

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite." -- Sam Levenson.

"To steal ideas from one person is plagerism; to steal from many is research...or Shakespeare." -- Red.

"If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts." -- Bertrand Russell.

"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right." -- Samuel L. Clemens.

"Do the good civil servants of Las Cruces, NM really need to step away from their desks to answer a sub-moronic concept like selling fried chum to the general public through a chain of 1,032 Hungry Mosquito-themed restaurants all supposedly opening on the same day?" -- Jerry Seinfeld.

"Those stains are just hair dye." -- Phyllis Murphy.

"When JFK Jr. gets into a New York taxi to go to the airport, does he say, 'Take me to JFK?' And how does he feel about that?" -- George Carlin.

"...And how does Lee Harvey Oswald's mother feel when she walks through JFK [airport], knowing that if she had stayed single, it would probably be Martin Luther King Jr. airport?" -- George Carlin.

"E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm." -- George Carlin.

"Don't you lose faith in your dog's intelligence when he takes a piss and then steps in it?" -- George Carlin.

"Those nicotine patches seem to work pretty well, but I understand it's kind of hard to keep them lit." -- George Carlin.

"There is no future without todays dreams. Now bring me another falafel." -- The Earl of Sandwich (before his discovery.)

The Naked Dancing Llama (a wise and reputable creature) once said, "Frolic by example, and others will follow suit." Words to live by.

"On the feast of St. Stephen, I was driving my hearse to the wholesale liverworst outlet when suddenly a hermaphrodite in a piano truck backed out of a crackhouse driveway, and, as my shoes caught fire, I pirouetted across Boris Karloff Boulevard, slapping the truck driver six times in the loins with a Chatanooga road map, even though he was humming 'The Pussycat Song.' " -- George Carlin.

"Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?" -- George Carlin.

"I'm very lucky. The only time I was ever up shit creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me." -- George Carlin.

"Don't be so humble -- you are not that great." -- Golda Meir.

"...Also, the name 'Skittles.' Can it be changed? Sounds like an old Navy drinking disease. Men in WW2 used to come home with a case of the skittles. It was a mess!" -- Ted L. Nancy (The Nut)

"Great scientific discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle." -- George Carlin.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner." -- Lynda Montgomery.

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " -- Jerry Seinfeld.

"When angry, count a hundred; when very angry, swear." -- Samuel Clemens.

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." -- Kevin Meaney.

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " -- Richard Jeni.

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -- Ellen DeGeneres.

"Don't poke sticks at the monkeys." -- Winston Groom.

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suade jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' " -- Jake Johansen.

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " -- Larry Miller.