Why Did That Chicken Cross the Road?
How to Survive School as a "Warrior"
Top Five Classes at the Imperial Academy
Top Ten Signs Star Wars is Taking Over Your Life
Top Ten Uses for Leia's Hair- I wrote this!
Top Ten Jokes to Play on Darth Vader - I wrote this, too!
Ten Reasons Why the Imperials Were Always Going to Lose
Top Ten Complaints From Imperial Stormtroopers
Top Ten Reasons AT-STs Are So Easy to Defeat
Top Ten Star Wars-ish Things To Say When Your Parents Make a Surprise Visit to Your House or Dorm
Top Ten Reasons Not to Join the Empire
Top Ten TIE Fighter Pilot Complaints
Top Ten Imperial Gunner Complaints
Top Ten Imperial Bumper Stickers
1. When your teacher gives you an answer you don't expect say, "That's not true! That's impossible!!" Then run (or better yet, throw yourself down the nearest bottomless shaft) if he/she says, "Search your feelings, you KNOW it to be true!!"
2. Get your friends together to play sabacc in your free time.
3. Build a lightsaber for your science project.
4. See how long you can keep your physics teacher going on what the "force" really is... (F=MA vs. THE Force.)
5. Set up a band in the lunchroom to play, "Tatoonie Blues"
6. See if you can use the Force in Gym to make the basketball go into the hoop.
7. Whenever the principal appears, hum the Imperial March (aka Darth Vader's theme.)
8. When your teacher calls your name, respond: "What is thy bidding, my master?"
9. When your teacher asks you to name a battle of the Civil War, say, "Battle of Endor!" (or your choice.)
10. During a locker check say, "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
Top Five Classes at the Imperial Academy:
5. Death Star Laser Control 101 (canceled)
4. Ewok Defense.
3. Avoiding Vader's "Dark Moods".
2. How Not to Bang Your Head on a Door.
1. Stormtrooper Blaster Aiming.
Top Ten Signs Star Wars is Taking Over Your Life.
10. Complaining to a co-worker that your boss is worse than Jabba.
9. Whenever your car dies or doesn't start you yell, "It's not my fault!"
8. Tendency to find long lost relatives.
7. You hum the "Imperial march" (a.k.a. Darth Vader's theme.) every time your teacher walks in.
6. You swear that the teddy bears in the store are watching you.
5. Every time you see a guy in a black cloak you have to suppress the urge to rush up and ask, "What is thy bidding, my master?"
4. You dug up everything you could on laser technology to see if it was possible to create a lightsaber. (Heyyy, wait a minute...)
3. You argued with your physics teacher when he tried to explain that force=mass X acceleration.
2. You tried to soup up a motorcycle so you'd have a speeder bike.
And the number 1 yadda yadda yadda is.... You took pictures of the Great Redwood forest, the Tunisian desert, and Antarctica, then gave them to the press as photographic proof that the planets Endor, Tatooine, and Hoth really exist.
Top Ten uses for Leia’s Hair- I wrote this!
10. Use the braids to strangle Jabba.
9. Use the braids to strangle Vader.
8. Use it to swing across the canyon in ANH.
7. Use it as a helmet. Blaster shots would never make it through.
6. Ever heard of Rapunzle?? (You can interpret that yourself)
5. Frost the cinnamon buns.
4. Chop some off and use it as replacement wires for the Falcon.
3. Hide Luke’s saber in it.
2. String a braid across a hallway in the Death Star and use it to trip a whole squad of Stormies.
And the #1 use for Leia’s hair:
1. Hide the plans to the Death Star in it.
10. Have Vader’s meditation chamber put his helmet on backwards.
9. Have a stormie step on the hem of his cape.
8. Reverse all the controls on his personal TIE fighter.(left=right, up=down, etc.)
7. Switch Vader’s cape with one that’s been tie-dyed.
6. Switch Vader’s lightsaber with his flashlight.
5. Use Vader’s helmet as a bowl for potato chips at the Officer’s party.
4. Disengage artificial gravity in Vader’s meditation chamber.
3. Use Vader’s helmet as the football for the annual Stormtroopers vs. TIE pilots game.
2. Have one of the new recruits go up and push all the buttons on his life support at the same time. Tell the recruit it's part on the New Recruits Initiation Ceremony.
And the # 1 joke is...
1. Play the theme songs to “Lamb Chop’s Play Along” and “Barney” alternately inside his helmet. He’ll go completely and utterly insane!
Ten Reasons Why the Imperials Were Always Going to Lose
1) When Rebels ride speeder bikes, they watch where they are going.
2) Stormtroopers always seem to set their blasters to "miss".
3) When in groups of three, TIE pilots fall for the ol' "Cut to the left, I'll take the leader".
4) Give an AT-AT driver a skipping rope and he'll trip himself.
5) An out of control A-Wing can bring down their flagship.
6) "I can't see a thing with this helmet on!"
7) When rebels go in, they go in full throttle.
8) Super tough stormtrooper armour doesn't seem to protect against sticks n' stones.
9) They're led by a sun virgin, no wait, make that two!
10) The average conscript is too scared to excel, because if they did,they'd end up a high ranking officer, and we all know what that means ......... GULP!
TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM IMPERIAL STORMTROOPERS
#10: "We can't see in these @$% helmets!"
#9: "Armor just makes us easier to hit."
#8: "The dumb doors never open all the way!"
#7: "We want outfits that don't make us look like we just came out of a laser tag arena!"
#6: "The heroes are always better looking in the armor than we are!"
#5: "The Empire is way too sexist -- have you ever seen a Stormtrooperette?!"
#4: "Our stock of CDs was blown up when Han Solo shot the comm panel! Lord Vader, can we get [gagging and choking] reimbursed? [dies]"
#3: "Foot-thick helmets don't protect us from banging our heads on the blast doors!"
#2: "Darth Vader has [choking] lousy breath [dies]."
AND THE NUMBER ONE COMPLAINT FROM IMPERIAL STORMTROOPERS IS --
#1: Five words: "We always get blown up!"
TOP TEN REASONS AT-STs ARE SO EASY TO DEFEAT
10. No locks on the entry hatch; anyone can just drop in
9. Their rudimentary artificial intelligence has a death wish
8. Remember: contracts to mass-produce military equipment always go to the lowest bidder?
7. Teeny viewports = reduced visibility
6. Only have V6 engines
5. Handles worse than a cow
4. Drivers' goggles keep fogging up
3. Didn't cover "Stepping on Ewoks" in AT-ST Driver's Ed.
2. They trip too easily. When are Imperial designers going to realize that?!
1. Fuel tanks modeled on the Ford Pinto's
Top Ten Star Wars-ish Things To Say When Your Parents Make a Surprise Visit to Your House or Dorm
10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get out of here pretty quick."
7. Say to them, as they come in the door, "You've got a lotta nerve coming in here, after what you pulled."
6. "Hi son, we just stopped by to see if you would JOIN US for lunch." Reply with "I'll never join you!" (distort your face) Then throw yourself down the nearest shaft.
5. Ask them for money, then if they ask why they must pay ______ (whatever the amount)... Have a friend yell, "Because he's holding a thermal detonator!" (everyone dive for cover)
4. If they ask why the place is in such a mess, reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them... I've let go of my conscious self and acted on instinct."
3. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
1. If they ask how you are doing in school, say, "When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the master."
TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO JOIN THE EMPIRE
10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense.
9. All ships and installations are built around a "main reactor."
8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedos and always lead to the "main reactor."
7. TIE Fighters have no shields.
6. The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.
5. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks.
4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.
3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense.
2. The Emperor allows the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator.
1. Bounty Hunters, we don't need their scum!
TOP TEN TIE FIGHTER PILOT COMPLAINTS
10. Not a thin credit from those action-figure guys.
9. Asteroids. Ugh.
8. Empire too cheap to spring for life-support and ejector seats.
7. A-Wings are too damn fast. When do WE get cool new stuff?
6. Limited viewports = reduced field of vision.
5. No CD player, just FM radio.
4. Not allowed to do risque nose-art on my fighter.
3. When the last guy doesn't fill up the ionization chamber.
2. D***it, when do we get SHIELDS AND HYPERDRIVE?!
1. Last guy's gum stuck under the control yoke.
TOP TEN IMPERIAL GUNNER COMPLAINTS
10. Other divisions get cool armour...WE get leisure suits.
9. Death Star snack machines always out of Twix bars.
8. Even the MOUSE 'DROIDS laugh at my helmet.
7. Targeting sensors only register organics, not 'droids. (Lt. Hija only)
6. Getting the turret by the thermal exhaust port.
5. Helmet 'com occasionally picks up the country station.
4. Teeny visor cuts down visibility.
3. Stormtroopers hog the "Lethal Enforcers" machine in "The Executor's" video arcade.
2. Those damn rebel pilots.
1. Heat from Turbo- and Super-lasers have singed all the hair off my body. I mean ALL of it.
TOP 10 IMPERIAL BUMPER STICKERS
10. "REAL PILOTS WEAR BLACK"
9. "MY KID ARRESTED YOUR HONOR STUDENT"
8. "JOIN US!"
7. "TIE FIGHTER PILOTS' UNION, LOCAL THX-1138"
6. "IMPERIALAS DO IT IN FORMATION"
5. "ONLY WIMPS HAVE SHIELDS"
4. "THAT'S NO MOON...I'LL SHOW YOU A MOON!"
3. "MY OTHER SHIP IS "THE EXECUTOR"
2. "I BRAKE FOR...I DON'T HAVE BRAKES! AAAAAHH!"
1. "IF YOU AIN'T A DARK LORD, YOU AIN'T SITH" (Darth Vader only)
10. "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, RAM 'EM!"
9. "REMEMBER ALDERAAN"
8. "IF YOU CAN'T BE GOOD, BE CAREFUL"
7. "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE. LOOSEN UP!"
6. "MY R2 UNIT SAYS "PPBBBT" TO YOUR SFS TARGETING COMPUTER!"
5. "IF YOU OUTLAW BLASTERS, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE BLASTERS"
4. "*I* HAVE SHIELDS"
3. "STAY ON TARGET!"
2. "I AM *NOT* THE SQUADRON LEADER. SHOOT SOMEONE ELSE"
1. "I FLEW THE DEATH STAR ASSAULT, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY BUMPER STICKER"