Random Thoughts

Totally Random

Thoughts and Writings

These are my totally random thoughts as I have written them down when out and about. They really don't mean much, except what I was thinking/feeling at the time. Feel free to browse and check back often as they will be updated constantly.

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In and out. That's all you ever see. People going in and out of buildings, in and out of your life. How many of these people will still be friends in a month? A year? Tomorrow? The group of kids next to us with their coach. The older couples on the last lane. The two guys at the counter. The people sitting right here with me, that I've known for years. Are these people even my friends? I mean, I love them and we have fun together-Kristi, Jason, Mueller-but how are we friends? Sure, they know my favorite music and foods, we've shared a lot of dreams and experiences, but is it enough? They don't know what it's like to leave behind everything theyve ever known and get thrown into an entirely different situation than their life has prepared them for. They don't know that I physically hurt because I miss the ocean, that I miss home so much, that some nights I cry tears as salty as the ocean I've left behind. What would they say if they knew how scared I am all the time of losing the few holds I have here, as uncertain as they may be? And why do I even care anymore? I'm going back home-that's all that should matter, all I should care about. But it isn't. These people matter. This place matters. As much as I don't want it to, as much as I wish I could just run away and start over again. But how many times can you honestly start over again before the ceremony loses its' meaning? Before you can't do it anymore because you don�t even remember who you are under all these false labels? I don't even care anymore. I just wish I didn't still hurt, that I didn't still want something that I can never get back, no matter what identity I try to assume. That song is playing now-"Underneath your Clothes" by Shakira. That's the song that reminds me of him. Especially since he's the one who got rid of those awful nightmares. How can one person, especially a person who no one on earth would have paired me with, have such an effect on me? I don't understand it. It's making me think, though. That maybe I better show him how I feel next time he says the famous words-"prove it." I don't want a day to go by that he doesn't know how much I care about him, how badly I want him, how much I miss him when he isn't here, like tonight. I just keep thinking about all of the second chances I did get-and all the ones I didn�t. I mean, I got to walk again. I lived through things that might have broken another person. But I never got a second chance with Daniel. That is what confuses me most. I would have given up anything, even the chance to walk again, for another try with Daniel. I would have. But not now, not this time. I've grown up too much and I've finally started to understand that the differences between us would have caused our eventual break-up. Or they would have caused us to hate each other if we would have kept trying. I loved Daniel as I will never love another man. I still do. But there are so many different ways to love a person, to love many people. And although I will never, ever forget Daniel and what he meant to me, I have to move on. I can't spend the rest of my life alone. I can't pretend that I love someone else, when in reality I'm just trying to forget about Daniel and the intensity of what we once had, what we may still have had. I am actually glad things ended when and how they did. No messy break-up, no awkward silence, no hating each other over something stupid. He died knowing I loved him and I believed he was all there was in the world, that he was all I'd ever need to survive, to wake up each morning. And now I have only the sweetest memories of our time together. I try to look at this in perspective. Even the short time I had with Daniel is a time I am grateful for. At least I had him for that short time. He taught me so much and brought me so much happiness. It was time for him to go. He taught me everything he was supposed to. That's what I am thinking now. It seems that only a few months ago I could hardly speak Daniel's name without choking on sorrow. And now, I don't know. It's like I've had some sort of epiphany, as dumb as that sounds. I've opened my eyes and realized that I have to be in the present, that the only reason I'm not letting myself fall in love is because my heart hadn't healed and I was trying to protect myself. But I can�t do that. It's a waste to even try if I'm going to worry so much about being hurt again, about losing that person. And I can't stand the thought of not having someone to spend my life with-to kiss, to hold, to argue with, to talk to. That thought-being alone forever-scares me even more than being hurt again. I am ready to fall in love again. I just pray that whoever I fall in love with will be patient. It may take me some time to tell them how I feel. But you have to take the opportunities life gives you. Because tomorrow may be too late, you know? They could die or you could or you could say one wrong word and ruin any chance for reconciliation. Any chance of having even the most casual friendship with that person, a person who could be the love of your life. I don't want to take that risk anymore. Especially now that I'm finally getting what I want. Yeah right. I'm getting to go back home-and then what? I don't even know if there's anything left for me in Florida, besides my grandparents and the ocean that I love so much, that is so much a part of me. Yeah, it's home. But what price do I pay for the chance to see its' beauty again? I'm leaving behind these people that, despite all my warnings, I've come to care about. One of them, too much. How could I let myself do this? But on the other hand, how could I not? I have to be willing to take each and every opportunity, nevermind the pain it will cause me later. Even if I could have seen the future, I can't believe that I wouldn't have chosen to be with Daniel. That time was among the happiest in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything, or anyone. But what does it matter now? Daniel is gone. I have to stop living in the past and let go, move on. What sucks is that I think I have. I love him. I don't know that I'm in love with him, but he's my best friend and I love him-even if he doesn't know it. I better stop. Gotta save some energy in this arm, for what good it will do me.