Coming soon! Shen's handwritten letters from jail!
These twisted tales comprise all the email I've received from Shen, first from the period when he used his Mom's bank account number to get an AOL account, and later when he got various free email accounts on the web. There haven't been many recently, because he has trouble getting online. He's been kicked out of any place with Internet access within walking distance of where he is. Walking being Shen's primary mode of transportation.
Well, this isn't actually from Shen, it's from his current girlfriend, Maggie. She wrote all of this one night when we got Shen after work and went to play video games at Jake's. As you can see, Maggie isn't the brightest bulb in the bunch, but what she lacks in those silly intangible areas of intelligence, she makes up for in volume. She's quite a porker, and as you will see from these messages sent to Jason on Yahoo Messenger and the email, she's quite angry. Her inability to spell is truly frightening. She consistently spells "what" as "want." It's not just a typing thing either. I've seen handwritten letters that are like this.
These are the messages she left for Jason on Yahoo Messenger, even though it was obvious we weren't there. When someone's not there, it gives you this bright red message that tells you that person is not online and will get the message the next time they come on. She apparently chose to ignore this.
shen when you comeing home
is shen at your house well shen if you are looking at this with jason want the fuck is going on ok were is shen jason jaon you and mikey need to stop telling shen want to do i love him so very much and wouild never hurt him i do trust him a lot and car about him i do a lot for him like take him places and pick him up from work and get up and take him to work.
Even after all of these messages, Maggie decides to call Jason's house at 1:30 in the morning. Maybe that's what she should have done in the first place instead of waiting until the middle of the night and wake up Jason's parents.
This is the email Jason got earlier that week. For someone who's practically illiterate, she talks a lot.
Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000 07:08:56 -0800 (PST) From: maggie yu <lovebug2322@yahoo.com> Subject: from maggie shen girlfriend i do not hate you it doest matter about me and she going out as long as we are happy To: soju55@yahoo.com jason iam not trying to be rude i really dont know you that well.i love your friend shen with all of my heart and if you and mikey cant asept who shen goes out with that is nofriends. i do trust him a lot we are getting our own place together soon and you and mikey can come over i told shen that it doest matter who comes over i hope we all can get to know each other as friends we will have a little party and you guys can come over.shen told me want you and mikey said about me he was hurt about it he does love me .we have started a new life together and someday soon you and mikey will be happy. my friends dont talk about shen and call him names.shen was happy hanging out with you I trust him a lot.like i said i care deeply for shen i know he has been hurt lot of times and i never want to hurt him in any way.I hope you and mikey are happy that he found someone who wants to make a life for him. well i sting at writeing i hope you too can respect that me and shen are together.well do not get mad at shen he is happy and so iam i.
Well, ladies and gentleman, I am speechless. I wish I could make stuff like
this up. I'd be rich, or at least very entertained. Note how she has identified
herself as Maggie Yu? Shen's last name is Yu. Maggie's last name is Porker,
or Heifer, or MacFuckingIdiot or something. Shen has not informed Jason or myself
of any marriage plans, so I can safely assume that it is her initiative.
I really have no idea what prompted this, unless Shen told her the things we
(meaning Jason and I, but mostly me) said about her. I've asked Shen many times
why he goes out with her, and though he refuses to answer, it's really because
she gives him a place to stay. And in Shen's mind, since he's there and she's
willing, he might as well get some sex too. And she says she loves him?
Then Jason received this gem today:
Date: Sat, 25 Nov 2000 10:36:51 -0800 (PST)
From: maggie yu <lovebug2322@yahoo.com<
Subject: i never told shen he couldt hang with you
and go out..byby bybyby.sorry abought calling late
some times you worry when you are going out with
some onei trust him
To: soju55@yahoo.com
i never told shen he couldt hang with you and go
out.i trust him i dont like mikey and about me and
shen going out is our lifes not any one else.i dont
care any more want mikey are you think.
the only thing that matters is me and shen my friend
dont care about me going out with shen they are
happy even my guy friends.well sorry about calling i
thought shen wasent comeing home mabe i thought he was
spending the night are something. welll sorry .
any want goes on between me and shen is not any
bussiens of mikey are you. we love each other and we
talk about getting married and we dont care want our
friends think. we care so much for each other.
shen can go hang out with his friends I know he
would never hurt me are do any thing worng to hurt
me we belive that you dont hurt the one that loves you
the most.well you say it doest matter well it doest
show you and mikepromely think iam takein shen away
from you guys as friends iam not.well if you guys
are friends with him you sure should not care you he
goes out with and you loves him more then anything.
iam very happy iam with shen and he his happy too.
we will love each other through thin and think
times we will never leave each other.
well br for every
from maggie yu. shen treats me
a lot better then joe did.well me and shen were
brought by fate to be together. well you and mikey can talk
abought me it dont bother me life goes on with out
two pain in the asses.
Jason's commented on this when he forwarded it to me:
did you see the length of the subject line? I want to kill her.
This is what I said in response to this stupid fucking whore:
If it doesn't bother you then why do you keep writing me about it?
She says she doesn't like me in this letter. I'm not really sure why not. I've never said or done anything to her that should cause such anger. Maybe she's just taking her fat aggression out on me.
The letters from this point on are in something resembling chronological order.
Subj: SAYING whatsup dickhead Date: 97-10-10 11:07:17 EDT From: LYu4297125 To: Leg16 mikey you better call me my online name is LYu4297125
Subj: whats up Date: 97-10-10 12:08:21 EDT From: LYu4297125 To: Leg16 mikey you suck big maes big fat hairy penis
Subj: saying hi Date: 97-10-10 12:58:31 EDT From: LYu4297125 To: Leg16 CC: BABYBRUJAH CALL SOMETIME I WANT YOUR BODY
Subj: saying Date: 98-03-16 14:59:49 EST From: shadowzer0@hotmail.com (moe skinner) To: leg16@aol.com hello do you my bunghole I KNOW YOU DO WELL EE YOU TOMORROW BYE FOR NOW
Subj: saying hi don't read until later Date: 98-03-16 16:32:50 EST From: shadowzer0@hotmail.com (moe skinner) To: leg16@aol.com sending you some cool pics of sandra bullock an others
Subj: no bunghole Date: 98-03-20 10:43:07 EST From: llkool21@yahoo.com (michael sheehan) Reply-to: shadowzer0@hotmail.com To: leg16@aol.com hey i didn't get any bunghole today do you know why. Because I was fucked by big moe thats why fucking whore tore apart my anal tissue and i can't have sex because it hurts kick his and yours to. bye shenshen
Subj: saying hi Date: 98-03-26 10:15:48 EST From: llkool21@yahoo.com (michael sheehan) Reply-to: shadowzer0@hotmail.com To: leg16@aol.com guess what my bunghole doesn't hurt now and. Sorry about not cumming over yesterday, oh god derek stop licking big moes bunghole you nasty fuck stopit derek and big moe are after me nnnnnnnnn oooooooooooooo.
Subj: SAYING HI Date: 98-04-23 23:16:28 EDT From: llkool21@yahoo.com (michael sheehan) Reply-to: shadowzer0@hotmail.com To: leg16@aol.com GO ONTO YAHOO CHAT IF YOU CAN IN LIKE 10 MIN
Subj: i'm horny Date: 98-05-08 10:52:48 EDT From: llkool21@yahoo.com (michael sheehan) Reply-to: shadowzer0@hotmail.com To: leg16@aol.com I WANT YOUR COCK STUFFED EP MY ASS BIG BOY
Subj: saying hi Date: 98-06-11 14:32:38 EDT From: llkool21@yahoo.com (michael sheehan) Reply-to: shadowzer0@hotmail.com To: leg16@aol.com hey whats up how are you sorry we got cut off earlier that chick is going to find away to get to manhattan with her friends. so whos bunghole have you been licking. i'm taking back crash 1,2 jetmoto,nfl,descent so i can get tekken3 well seeya later. shen
These are some newer letters from Shen. If anything, he's grown weirder.
Subj: shutup Date: 2/24/99 9:34:00 AM Eastern Standard Time From: llkool21@yahoo.com (michael sheehan) Reply-to: shadowzer0@hotmail.com To: leg16@aol.com (michael buell) so i heard you were alittle upset that i didn't write you huh you know i have to write because your cool and i can't forget about you well i could but i won't you know what i mean, is jason back yet thats cool that hes coming home you know, well maybe i'll come and see you sometime. Man i've been partying like a bitch lately what about you well got to go my bitch wants me. see you later bye for now. oh yeah give me your other email addresses ok bye. SHen
Subj: "Male slut" Date: 2/26/99 11:28:03 AM Eastern Standard Time From: llkool21@yahoo.com (michael sheehan) Reply-to: shadowzer0@hotmail.com To: leg16@aol.com (michael buell) Hey Mikey whats up how are you doing, wow living in Syracuse is pretty cool I've met alot of chicks damn wish you were here. I have a couple of chicks who want me to go out with them one is (jen) 19 5'7 brown brown eyes 135 lbs 34 24 36 groovy huh, another one is (stacey) 5'7 blonde hair blues eyes 140 not really big in the chest but its to bad though because shes hot and she doesn't need big titties, and this one chick I got freaky with (Robin) looks like one of Joe's girlfriends gross huh, (Mindi) she lives in Endicott and I'm trying to hook up with her but she is not getting the connection you know I asked her if she had a boyfriend hoping she would catch on I'll ask her Saturday. Well I'm kinda going out with that Jen girl she lives in Endicott and when i go out there we'll hook up and go do stuff, and the other girl stacey lives in Ithaca and she wants me to bang her, what should I do "HELP ME". Well as you know I've been talking to your girl Tara and Sublimeo,Tara seems really cool don't worry I'm not going to steal her from you. Hey I'm coming back to visit mar.2nd and I'll be there until the 4th maybe we can hangout with Joe and stuff like that and I'm going to meet with this stacey chick and hangout with her. Guess what I have not seen any good looking chicks in Syracuse I've seen some in Chittenango but not in Syracuse sucks ass, girls over here are uglier than me and you put togehter (nasty). well got to go for now talk to you later write back soon ok. psychotic porch monkey (S H E N) don't worry tara is safe in my hands
These are letters to Spooge-a-boober from Shen, with Spoogey's comments. Things in brackets are comments from myself where I thought they were appropriate.
I just got a letter from Shen, I will type it here for your amusement, bad grammar, spelling included:
Dear Jason, How are you doing, I heard you bought the suckiest system in the world. I talked to you parents and they said you got my letter, damnit when are you going to write me, you better write me and if you don't I'll try to kick ass. How are hoes over there pretty skanky. Well right now I'm poor trying to find another job at the mall or go back to A-1. The other day I kicked Derek ass I slammed his head into the couch's arm and he threatened to call the cops on me. Final Fantasy 7 is so cool I heard you wanted it. I've beaten it before Mikey and Andy did so I'm cool. and I just bought a nintendo 64 I only have Mario and Turok [This is a total and utter lie. Shen has never had a Nintendo 64], Moe says Sony and Genesis is better because hes a faggot.[This is true, Big Moe is a faggot] Derek has been sent to the mental hospital, and Derek tried to blow up our house, by spraying hair spray over the stove, and big Moe handcuffed him. What do you do over there that's interesting besides Army stuff, drink a lot of booze like in Georgia. my boss from Mcdonalds got me drunk. P.s. talk to you later Beth Miller has big hootters and has a black boyfriend.
Shen needs some help. I laughed for a good 2 minutes at this letter. I don't see him making it in a job like this one I have to do for very long.
Shen wrote me finally and here's what he said:
don't send so much CRAP ASSHOLE! I cant get to a computer. big moe's dick smaCKER
What a dumbass. Here's what I said in return:
It isn't my fault your dumb ass got kicked out of the computer lab for printing pages and pages of porn. Get a hobby. Tell Big Moe to play ff7 without the strategy guide and see how well he does. I could at least beat it without the damn thing. I've got a lot of stuff off the internet and I would give you the addresses but I already gave them to Mikey. I don't want this info to fall into the hands of big moe. He can kiss my ass. Actually I would get a disease and my ass would rot off if he did that, so I take it back. -Jason
The subject of the message was you bunghole. I'm glad I have such creative friends to write me everyday.
Well, if you've read to here, it's probably all the pain and misery you can stand. So I bid you a farewell, but with this warning: Shen is out there. His eerie powers could bring him to your doorstep tomorrow looking for a place to stay. In fact, I think he's behind you right now! AAAAAGGGHHHH!