The Page About Shen

DISCLAIMER: Everything expressed on this page is solely my own opinion unless otherwise noted.

Be warned!!! For contained in this page are things strange and horrible. These macabre horrors are not for the weak of heart.

A little bit about Shen

The stories and letters after this will make slightly more sense if you know a little about Shen first.

Shen. Rhymes with pen. Shen is really indescribable. He is Shen. People tend to attribute his misadventures to sheer stupidity. What it really is is Shen's inherent Shen-ness. He falls ass-backwards into money, sex, jobs, and housing. I don't know if I'd call it luck, because if you've seen Shen's house, you wouldn't call him lucky. Shen-ness is the only way to describe it. It's also referred to as shentastic luck, or his shentastic powers. Reading this page will hopefully explain more. Also, Shen's favorite word is porch monkey.

All the stuff below is sort of in reverse chronological order. Reading the sections backwards might make more sense, but probably not.

The Saga of Shen

This is the tale of Shen. It is frightening, and eerie. Once again, I must remind you ladies and gentlemen, that all of these tales are true.

Shen's Time in the Slammer

Shen got back from his little adventure in Syracuse a long time ago. Apparently he and some girl were arrested for shoplifting in Binghamton. I'm still not really clear on how he came to be there. As far as I can tell, he got there because a bunch of people decided to go to a block party down there. He told me a story about how people got in a fight and some guy hit another guy with a VCR. But anyway, he did get arrested, and he claims he didn't do anything. It was supposedly only the girl he was with. I guess it's true because he only spent a week or so in jail. I'm fairly sure there was no sodomy while he was in there. So he got out and called his grandfather, who picked him up and brought him back here.

After that, things seemed to be going smoothly, he got a job at a pizza delivery place/gas station around here, and it looked like he was going to be getting his own place. Of course, God or some other cosmic force once again tried to foil Shen's plans.

He was at a youth center around here, seeing one of his friends play in a band. So he started talking to this girl named Aisha, and they exchanged phone numbers. I guess that means they were officially dating. I have no idea; women mystify me At some point, they did start going out. After Jason got back from the army, and Shen got back from Syracuse, he of course started hanging out with us again. So one night when we're all at Jason's house, we get a phone call from Aisha whining about wanting Shen to come home. So my brother Andy, Jason, Shen and I went over there around midnight. Heather and Aisha were the only ones up when we got there.
My first impressions of Aisha was that, though she acted like a typical Shen girlfriend, she was much more attractive than any of Shen's other girlfriends. She didn't seem to like me very much, but that was probably due to having hung out with Heather that whole day. Because Heather introduced me as Buellpuke. So charming and mature, isn't she?
It was sort of warm out, and we didn't want to wake up Big Mo, the uber-bastard, so we went outside. It inevitably degraded into a crappy game of Truth Or Dare. The highlight of it was seeing Heather's breasts. The first hint I had that Aisha was off her rocker was the fact that she had no problems with whipping out her breasts approximately every two seconds. She'd do it when no one asked her to. I don't think any of us even thought of asking her to do so because she was going out with Shen. There's that unspoken rule. It was just really weird. Eventually, the cold and dew got to us, and we went inside and watched Michael, against my protests. I hate John Travolta. Shen goes on the couch, pulls the blanket over him and goes to sleep, as far as I can tell, instantly. It's one of his shentastic powers. So Aisha goes over there and gets under the blankets with him, and they don't make any noise, so I assume they go to sleep. I just start bitching about John Travolta and how it's like 4 am and can't we please go home. Eventually we do, and I ask Aisha if she wanted a ride home, because she mentioned it before. We talked about it for a minute, and then she said no.
We left, and discussed on the car ride home who had nicer breasts. I decided it was Heather, but Aisha got points for being more willing to show hers a lot more. So I assume everything's fine until about a week later, when I'm rudely awakened at around 9 am. My Dad, who was still half-asleep, stumbles in wearing nothing but a T-shirt and underwear, hands me the phone, says, "Shen's been arrested or something," and walks out. The words sunk in, and I pondered them for a second and then wondered who the hell was on the phone. It turned out to be Shen's mom who told me that, yes, Shen had been arrested. The police'd shown up and handcuffed him and everything. She read me part of the police report (which you will be able to read here, once I copy it and stick it on here.) that Aisha had filed against Shen, and it was full of lies. Blatant lies. Then she tells me that Aisha is on medication for emotional imbalances, and all sorts of other stuff, like the fact that Aisha had ran away from home that night and called Shen's mom saying that she had to come pick her up or she'd do things to herself. I told her that it was all unbelievable bullshit and I'd testify to help Shen. Then I told her she could call Jason, and I went back to sleep thinking that it wasn't too surprising that Shen had been arrested.
So, so far there hasn't been any trial. The actual charges brought against Shen were sexual abuse in the third degree. And the problem was that Aisha was like ten days away from her seventeenth birthday, and technically below the age of consent. It was essentially illegal for Shen to be anywhere near her. Shen ended up spending around 5 days in prison, then got released on bail. He's still out right now, and has only been arraigned. It took weeks for that to happen because no lawyers would be there when Shen showed up, so they told him to come back in a week. And one time the judge had to leave because his mother was dying. Or so Shen tells me.
I think he'll get off.

The Latest Shentastic News

So I'm sitting there happily using the computer the day before Valentine's Day, and who do I get a phone call from, but Shen. We talk about the usual crap, video games and such, and then Shen says, "Hey, let's call Joe. I've got 3-way calling." So, I reluctantly agree, knowing he's going to screw it up and end up hanging up on me. He pushes some buttons and says, "Hello?"
"I'm still here," I said.
"What the hell?"
Then there was a click, and what was apparently some girl on an answering machine started playing, and then silence. As I sat there, knowing it had hung up, but bravely waiting, I wondered how the hell Shen had 3-way calling.

So a little while later, Shen called me back and told me he'd screwed up, like I hadn't realized that. I asked him how he had 3-way calling. "I'm at Pam's house," he said.
"Oh... Who the fuck is Pam?"
"She's a friend of some people I know."
Already suspecting the answer, because it was in the middle of a Saturday afternoon and it didn't sound like anyone else was home, I asked, "Ah. Are you just hanging out or are you living there?"
"I'm living here."
"Ah," I said, not terribly surprised, "Where does she live?"
"Chittenango."
"What?!? Where the hell is that?!?"
"Near Syracuse."
"Why the hell didn't you tell me before? How long have you been living there?"
"Since last night."
"Are you kidding? Why did you move there? How did you get there?"
"My mom drove me. She just didn't want to feed me anymore."

Then Shen told me about how he scored. I think he referred to it as "ending his streak." Losing, non-scoring streak that is. The girl was apparently kind of fat and nasty, but I didn't find out about that until later, from Joe, who also told me that the girl Pam was 32 with an 18 yr old boyfriend. It just seems logical that Shen is living with her. Anyway, the fact that this girl was so fat and skanky didn't seem to bother Shen. His biggest problem was that some guy kept coming into the room while he was having sex.

It was around this point that I told him that if this happened to anyone else, they would have a nervous breakdown.

And now for the latest news [as of quite a long fucking time ago] on that colossal fuck-up known as Shen. He got kicked out of the house he was living in when you were here, and is living somewhere in Freeville with one of his friends named Brigitte. In her closet. For 3 or 4 days. I'd never heard of this girl Brigitte before. Apparently she was going out with Dave, and let Shen stay in her closet after he got kicked out. They started going out while he was living in her closet. He had to stay there because her parents didn't know he was there. Shen told me that he didn't go to the bathroom for 2 days. I have no idea why any woman would willingly invite Shen to live with them. He also got fired from the restaraunt where he was working. As to why he got kicked out of the house, it's partially my fault. He sold (his sort of step-brother) Little Mo's Saturn to me. About 4 1/2 weeks after selling it to me, they realize it's gone. Awful quick, aren't they? So like any person with a brain does when they notice something's missing, they ask Shen about it. He concocted some lie involving lending it to me because Little Mo took his CD player. I would have gone along with this, but the stupid shit didn't call me. And of course, he got kicked out of the house for that and running up the phone bill calling phone sex lines in Guam and the Phillipines. The phone bill was, according to Ed, around $7000. That's definitely not all from Shen though. Little Mo and Dave were fond of calling a long-distance chat line for hours every night.

A few days later, my mom gets a call from Little Mo's uncle, and he bitches about wanting the Saturn back. Little Mo calls me, and I say Shen sold me the Saturn, but said it was someone else's. He was supposed to come and pick it up while I was at work. Andy answered the door and said he didn't know where the hell it was. Which was a blatant lie. They eventually did come and get the Saturn though, much to my disappointment. And Shen did eventually call me so I at least knew he was alive.

The last time I was over at Shen's house, he'd gotten a letter from a woman on a porno line telling him to call.

Horror-stricken onlookers have expressed their opinions regarding these monstrous acts.

Ok. I wasn't sure before but now I am completely convinced that Shen is insane ... Does he have an obsession with bunghole?
-Tara, the lucky first viewer of this page.

Shen has some problems no one can cure. he needs to buy a tent so he can still get out of the rain when he gets kicked out of the house he's in right now. Notice how I didn't say if.
-Jason, who says he never said Spooge-a-boober, but he really did.

Retarded.
-Dayheart's response to the question, "What did you think of Shen when you first met him?"

Got any comments to make about this? Drop me a line.

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Are you too, wondering if Shen has an obsession with bunghole? To find out the answer to this and other burning questions, email me at mykungfuisthebest@geocities.com If, for some reason, this hasn't made you lose your faith in humanity, maybe this will.