TOLLHOUSE BOOKIES

There was once a civilization that discovered space travel. They built a great many ships; too many it would seem. They had bankrupted their economy. So they did what any bankrupt civilization would do. They got desperate and decided to put a series of toll booths around their entire star system. However, since they were the first ones in the Galaxy to invent space travel, they discovered that there were as yet no other space fairing species out there. Hence, no customers for the toll booths. No one ever said that they were the smartest species in the Galaxy.

Time passed...and passed...and passed...and passed. Until one era, everyone pretty much discovered space travel all at once. Then the idea of toll booths spread, like wildfire. What is "spread like wildfire?" I guess if you come from a world with an oxygen atmosphere, then you would have a clue. Otherwise, you are S.O.L. Never mind what that means, I'm not explaining it. If you know what it means, then you're fine. If not, then you're U.S.C.W.A.P. Forget it! I'm not explaining that one either.

Back to the topic of toll booths. Once everyone had them they all started making money, oodles and oodles of MONEY! Ships would travel to all the various star systems, for trade, for exploration, or just to hang out at the local Cheers Franchise.

There was only ooooooooooooone problem. The civilization that first originated the concept of space travel and toll booths, didn't make any money off of what they started. They were naturally peeved that everyone else was getting rich at their expense. So they did what any destitute civilization would do. They sued for royalties.

They figured that the rest of the Galaxy owed them money for stealing their idea. Everyone else in the Galaxy didn't see it this way, of course. The Inhabitants of the Galaxy did what any normal group of civilizations would do when faced with an impending lawsuit. The attacked the homeworld of the Inventors, as they came to be called, by themselves only, of course. The rest of the Galaxy just called them "those guys."

As an aside there is one civilization that is abnormal. When it is sued, it countersues and in turn is countersued, then counter-countersued, the counter-counter-countersued, ad nauseam. It was a dinky little world the inhabitants called.........earth. I don't think anyone was surprised by that revelation. The Earth doesn't exist anymore, though. They sued, countersued, counter-countersued themselves right out of this dimension. At last report they ended up in the universe called HELL, with the lawyers in charge of course.

Back to our story. The rest of the Galaxy attacked the Inventors; not with conventional or nuclear weapons, mind you, but with condiments. No, not Trojanstm or any of the other brands (conveniently located at your local drug or variety store). Condiments:mustard, ketchup, relish, and especially parsley. NEVER ASK ME ABOUT THE PARSLEY.

Anyway, the Inventors were not pleased, to say the least, or the most, but never in between. Needless to say (but I'm going to say it anyway), the Universe, made a radical left turn. Not a right turn. Not a U-turn or a Me-turn. But a left turn.

When the Inventors were hip deep (if they had hips) in condiments, they decided to counterattack. With what, you ask? With the only weapon left to them...fish sticks. The frozen kind, naturally.

It was in the midst of this fishy counterattack, that the Universe took its left turn. This left turn was no ordinary left turn, though. This was a MONDO GINORMOUS MEGA LEFT TURN. Those are really rare. I bet you are all dying to know the nature of this left turn. Nature? What am I running here? A philosophy class? Get real or get metaphysical, I don't care which. We shall not get into the whole topic of true natures and other such trivialities. The whole topic just gives everyone a headache, those of you that have heads. Some of you out there don't, as I can tell. Makes it difficult for me to sell you hats as well as these stories.

On to the left turn. The atoms of every coin in every toll booth in the Universe (yes, Virginia, there are toll booths elsewhere besides the Galaxy, but they're not important because they're out of our legal jurisdiction) turned into Gouda Cheese, thereby rendering them useless as currency, except to mice and those who collect cheese as a hobby.

Now cheese is fine to eat, but as currency, it hardly stacks up. I mean, it gets mouldy after a short time. While this may improve the flavour and aroma of some cheeses, it certainly doesn't make them easier to touch or place into toll booths machines. When these toll booth currency machines (toll house bookies, for short-well I had to get the title in somewhere, didn't I?), got a taste of the Gouda, they started talking with outrageous French accents and complaining about what kind of berries your fathers smelled like, and what kind of rodent was your mother.

Now with all this cheese taking the place of coinage, all of the attacking civilizations quickly ran out of money to fund their enormous war machines. So the assault forces did what any civilized assault forces would do when confronted by empty pockets. They went out for a party. They had all the fixings for a hell of a wingding (I'm not explaining that one, either. Nyaah!) They had condiments, cheese, and fishsticks. They politely scooped up all their goodies from the Inventors' homeworld, gave the their best wishes, and headed for Andromeda. At last word, they were trying to stuff themselves into a Visiphone booth, in order to set some kind of Guiness Book Of Universal Record.

Back to the Inventors. They were no longer hip deep in condiments, they had plenty of extra cheese, and....most important of all, they had money left over from their previous toll charges (they were smart enough to charge the attackers toll fees, and then convert the money into plastic before the Universal Left Turn hit). So they went out in their own ships and conquered all the other worlds in the Galaxy.

Which is why, my dear listeners, you will find, in every city of every province of every planet in the Galaxy, a fish stick shop.

...Except Earth of course.

If you liked this story, you may e-mail me at damoclesshade@home.com