Wesley gurgled as Worf's hands closed tighter upon the puny ensign's
throat.
"MERCY!" gasped Wesley as the life drained from his body.
"Kill first, mercy later," growled Worf. The horrible sound of breaking
bone echoed through the air. Once Wesley had finally expired, Worf took
his body and heaved it into the lava caverns below.
"Program complete," said the droll voice of the computer as the familiar
pattern of the yellow squares returned to the holodeck walls. Just then
Commander Riker walked in.
He gave Worf a knowing nod and said "The meeting is starting." As they exited, Worf cursed
under his breath, wishing that the program were real.
"This first meeting of The Kill Wesley Club will now come to order!" Captain Picard commanded
as he pounded his gavel on the podium. "As you all know Wesley Crusher has not exactly been popular
around the ship lately." He chuckled under his breath. "In fact many of us...all of us have come to greatly
despise him."
Laughter rippled throughout the crowd. As it died down Picard spoke again.
"Now let us rise for the club pledge. Everyone please face the flag of the Dead Wesley." The
crowd stood respectfully.
"We pledge Allegiance to the Kill Wesley Club of this USS Enterprise. And to break his neck, for
which we strive, one club, overall, with Liberty and the day of Judgement for Wesley."
Picard turned back to the podium, a single tear running down his cheek. He wiped it away and
straightened, regaining his dignity. The crowd was silent, save a few muffled sobs from the darkness.
"Now I have the honor of introducing one of our most devout Wesley haters. Put your hands together for
your friend and mine, Worf!" Loud cheering erupted from the crowd as the proud warrior strode up to the
podium.
"Honorable friends and comrades, I have come before you today to inform you about some
pleasing news. A tactical opportunity has arisen. Our lovely Dr. Crusher is, without a doubt, going to be
taking a little trip away from the ship." A cheer rose from the gathered crew. "She will be away for one
day, attending a conference on genetic complexities on Thalon IV. This will be the perfect time to
execute our plan."
The crew stood and applauded the genius of their tactical officer. He bowed slightly and left the
stand, and Picard took the podium once more.
"Thank you, Mr. Worf, that was very insightful. The time has come for us to strike. Mr. Riker will
now pass out PADDs to all of you with the countdown on them, starting at seven days until Doomsday.
Keep a close eye on them. At fifteen minutes 'till d-day you shall report to the ship's theatre. There we
will hold the trial. And remember, don't let Wesley get his hands on the countdown PADDs. This meeting
of the Kill Wesley Club is concluded. Be sure to join us again tomorrow at 1800 hours for our next
meeting. Dismissed."
6 days 'till Doomsday...
Next day in Ten Forward Picard strolled up to bar, taking a barstool and looking Guinan in the
eye. "Water, Bolian Tonic, cold." Guinan gave him a strange look. "Sorry, I'm just used to the replicator.
My nerves have been on the fritz today." Guinan wordlessly obeyed, and Picard downed the water like it
was Earl Grey tea. Guinan, observing the thoughtful look on his face, asked him if anything was wrong.
"It's that damn Wesley again. With a brain that size you would think he could act more maturely."
"Watch what you say, here comes the Brain Drain now," Guinan warned, looking over his
shoulder. Faster than she would have thought possible, Picard scurried around the bar and crouched
among her skirts. "What the---" Guinan stammered. "Jean-Luc, what do you think you're doing?"
"You've gotta hide me!!" he whimpered pitifully. Guinan sighed and kicked open the Jefferie's
tube panel on the wall.
"Go through there. You'll get to your quarter's eventually. I'll distract the little twerp." Picard
gratefully threw himself into the cramped space. Guinan pulled out her "special" bottle of Andorian Fizz
and smiled to greet the annoying runt that approached her bar. Wesley skipped up to the bar and seated
himself with a flourish. He made a suave (he thought) hand gesture, calling Guinan over. She poured a
generous glass of the special Fizz and, grinning, pushed it across the bar to the ensign.
"Sorry Guinan, I'm not thirsty."
"Drink it."
"Not thirsty."
"Drink it."
"Not thirsty!"
"Drink it!"
"NOT THIRSTY!"
"DRINK IT!"
"NO!"
"It's good for you!!"
"No it's not."
"Yes it is!!"
"No it's not!!!"
"YES IT IS!!!"
"NO, IT'S NOT!"
"How the hell do you think you know?!?!?"
"I've been doing a study that will revolutionize nutrition analysis."
Guinan seethed. "You just go do that."
"Fine, I will." Wesley stalked off. Guinan, still boiling over, waved the staring crew members back
to their business and dumped out the Fizz. Too bad, she thought. It would have sent him screaming to
sickbay. She continued with her own plans to cause Wesley great pain.
Ten hours later, Picard finally arrived at his quarters. Tired after the long crawl through the
Jeffries Tube, he cautiously listened at the panel across the corridor from his humble abode, not daring
to venture lest Wesley be roaming the halls at that time. He waited three whole hours until he was sure
that it was past Wesley's bedtime. Then he crept out and quickly dodged across the hall and threw
himself through his quarter's doors. Safe at last.
That day's Kill Wesley meeting was uneventful, and Ensign Carter let his mind wander. Oh, to
have Wesley dead. It was the young ensign's fondest wish. He had roomed with Wesley for almost two
days when he had first arrived onboard, and the strain had caused Carter to attempt suicide. Luckily a
passing lieutenant had overridden the transporter and kept him from beaming himself into space, scatter
beam. Several months of therapy had put him back on track, but memories of those two horrible days
still haunted his dreams. He wished he could take Wesley's puny life with is own bare hands, but he was
willing to share the glory with all the others who had the same dear wish.
5 days 'till Doomsday...
The next day the crew gathered again in Crew Lounge 4. Captain Picard called the meeting to
order and the usual ceremonies were observed. But suddenly, in the middle of Commander Riker's
presentation on how much Wesley bugged people, Picard's Comm badge beeped. The only people not
at the meeting were Wesley himself, Dr. Crusher, and a skeleton crew of ensigns who hadn't been on
board long enough to hate Wesley, if that was possible. The crowd hushed as Picard cautiously
answered, "Picard here."
Dr. Crusher responded. "Jean-Luc, are you alone?" Picard glanced around.
"Um, yes. What is it, doctor?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to join me for lunch in Crew Lounge 4. Alone, just the two of us...
you know..." Picard blushed noticeably. He fumbled for a reply as the crew listened intently.
"Um, yes, that would be lovely, doctor. I'll meet you there in twenty minutes."
"Great. Wear your off-duty clothes. See you there, Jean-Luc."
"Picard out." As soon as the commlink had been cut, Picard whirled to the assembled crew. "This
is an emergency! You, Ensign Robbins, get your butt down there and distract her!" Even as the young
and eager-to-please-his-captain ensign rushed out of the room, Picard was trying to calm the already
gossiping crew before him. Riker fired a phaser into the ceiling, causing an accidental hull breach.
"Oops," Riker muttered as the emergency force fields kicked in. Picard glowered at him. Soon
the crowd was brought back to order and the meeting went on as planned. Meanwhile in the corridor
outside Sickbay...
"Owwww! Owwww!" Screeched Ensign Robbins as he stumbled into Crusher's arms. Surprised at
the suddenness of the crewman's arrival but always coolheaded in emergencies, Crusher guided the
young man into Sickbay. He continued to scream bloody murder until he got to the examining table,
where he promptly shut up. Dr Crusher eyed him with curiosity.
"What seems to be the problem, Robbins?" she asked skeptically.
"It hurts, Doc!!" cried the young ensign.
"Where?" The ensign glanced down at himself then back up.
"My arm."
"Here?" questioned the good doctor as she gently probed his arm.
"No."
"Here?"
"No."
"Here?"
"No."
"Here?"
"No."
"Where, then?"
"I don't know."
"Here?"
"No."
"Ensign, where does it hurt?"
"Maybe it was my leg..."
"Here?"
"No."
"Here?"
"No." Dr. Crusher finally gave up. She sighed in exasperation.
"Ensign, I'm going to put it in a microscanner. That may find something I can't."
"OK." Crusher pulled out the microscanner from the back room and Robbins obediently stuck his
arm in. Crusher frowned.
"I thought it was your leg."
"It was my arm, for sure."
"All right..." Crusher was skeptical, but loyal to her patients. If someone needed help, she'd give
it to them. "Ensign, this will take about forty five minutes. Keep your arm in the scanner. Don't take it
out." The ensign nodded and Crusher activated the scanner. She turned to leave.
"I'm going to Crew Lounge 4. I'll be back by the time you're done."
"NOOOOOO!" The ensign yanked his arm out of the scanner and lunged at Dr. Crusher. His arm
imploded in a splash of gore. He fainted from the pain and left Crusher standing over him, open-
mouthed.
Meanwhile back in Crew Lounge 4...
"...and that concludes this meeting of the Kill Wesley Club. Any questions? Good. Dismissed."
Picard stepped down from the podium and left the room. As soon as the doors closed behind him he
heard the unmistakable sound of laughter from within. He grumbled and stormed to his quarters.
4 days 'till Doomsday...
Wesley turned around at the sudden sound of giggling from the other end of engineering. He
saw Geordi, his back turned and his shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Quietly, Wesley crept up behind
the chief engineer and peered over his shoulder at the pad he was holding.
"KILL WESLEY?!?" the boy shrieked as he saw the message inscribed on the pad. Geordi
turned around, a shocked expression upon his face.
"Oh, Wes! Um... hi."
"KILL WESLEY?"
"Um, that was a typo, you know those damned typos. It's supposed to say 'Jill Wesley.' We
were all planning to set you two up. You, know, a date."
Jill Hanson, who happened to be nearby, turned around in shocked horror.
"A date?" said Wesley gleefully. "Oh boy, my first date!!"
The next thing seen was Jill running from engineering, shrieking "You've ruined my life!"
Geordi broke in to console Wesley. "Don't worry, she's probably just nervous. You know, it's
intimidating for girls to be around handsome guys like you." Even as the words left his mouth, Geordi
was fighting the irrepressible urge to gag.
Wesley left with an ego three times the size of the ship, saying "Well, I better go work on my plan to
revolutionize transporter technology."
"You just go do that," said Geordi as he watched him go. A call came in from security. Worf's
gruff voice said, "Security teams to airlock 14. Ensign Jill Hanson is attempting to throw herself out into
space." Geordi cursed and slapped his forehead. How could he have condemned that poor girl in such a
cruel fashion. He hadn't even meant for anyone called Jill to be nearby.
The meeting had started ahead of schedule, due to the recent emergency. "Mr. LaForge I would
suggest exercising more caution in the future, your carelessness nearly cost us a life." Geordi looked
down in shame, as the accusing eyes burned into him. "We must all start making our preparations for the
Judgement day. Meeting adjourned," Picard said as he pounded the gavel.
3 days 'till Doomsday...