To the ordinary, unknowledgeable eye, the sudden arrival of multitudes of people would have
been disconcerting. But Wesley, still puffed up about getting over one thousand sweaters, failed to
notice.
Shuttles arrived from all over the galaxy, as did transports from different galaxies completely.
No one wanted to miss this very special upcoming event.
Captain Picard and Commander Riker observed the arriving people with curiosity, every once in
a while pausing to answer one of those really tough questions that came up, like, "Where are the
bathrooms?" Even Picard and his Number One had a hard time answering that one.
"I didn't know Wesley knew any Bolians," Picard commented in his thick Gallic accent. Riker
answered without turning his head.
"He cheated a couple out of making it into the academy last year."
"Ah. I see. Has young ensign Lefler arrived yet?"
"I wouldn't know, sir. I couldn't even be sure if she spent the night in my quarters last night.
Which she didn't. Or, well, maybe, sir, If you understand, sir..." Riker, looking hot under the collar,
avoided Picard's glare with purpose.
"Enough said, Number One, enough said."
"Yes, sir, I suppose so." Riker quickly tried to change the subject. "Will we be having any special
guests with us this week?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. I understand that Q is planning on attending, as are Q and Q. And a
few of their friends. We will also have the pleasure of seeing the Traveler again. Perhaps he will think to
apologize for misleading me as to Wesley's abilities."
"He really had you fooled, didn't he sir."
"Quite. But I know better now. We all know better."
"Yes sir." Riker and Picard turned to stroll down the hallway together, to check up on the
preparations in Crew Lounge 4.
1 day till doomsday...
Doomsday
On the bridge, things were surreptitiously tense, as usual. Wesley was sitting in the Conn chair,
randomly pressing buttons. He still had a lipstick mark on his cheek where his mother had kissed him
goodbye. To the anticipation of the entire crew, Dr. Crusher would be leaving shortly. And then the party
could begin.
"Shuttle Galileo to Enterprise," came Crusher's voice suddenly over the comm. The entire bridge
crew jumped simultaneously, then Picard tapped his Commbadge and answered.
"Enterprise here."
"Request permission to depart, sir."
"Permission granted, and Godspeed." Picard breathed.
"Why, thank you, Captain." Dr. Crusher responded, apparently flattered. "…Jean-Luc."
Picard blushed again and everyone would have snickered, except for the conflicting emotion of
anticipation at what was coming next.
Worf, standing straight at the Tactical Station, announced: "Dr. Crusher's shuttle has just entered
warp."
Picard, whose face was beginning to twist with emotion, responded through clenched teeth.
"Good." He stood, and tugged at his ever annoying uniform top. Then he gave the long awaited
order. "Go for it."
On cue, through some magical mixture of stunt doubles and physical prowess, Worf launched
over the bridge railing, did a triple tuck flip, and landed next to the Conn, where Wesley was sitting,
gaping. Just as Wesley was about to make the intelligent comment "Oh, cool!" he noticed Riker standing
next to Worf, and Picard next to him, and recognized a glare in their eyes. A killer glare. "Hey, what's
going on?" were Wesley's only words before Worf jabbed a pain stick into his ribs, Picard reflected the
glare of the bridge lights off his head into Wesley's eyes, blinding him, and Riker grabbed him by the
throat. Then everything went black to the young ensign's eyes, and he knew no more until later.
"Ssshhh! He's waking up!" were the first whispered words that struck Wesley's ear drums as he
came to. He tried to sit up, but found that he was chained to the floor of…Crew Lounge 4. But it didn't
look like Crew Lounge 4 anymore. It looked like, well, a coliseum. Circularly arranged stairs surrounded
him, a massive arena in which he lay at the center. And it was a full house, too. Wesley wondered what
the occasion could possibly be. Then a shadow fell across him as a tall robed figure strode to a podium
in front of him. It was Picard! He stepped up the podium and spoke.
"Friends. I have been looking forward to this day for so long that I have had literally years to
prepare a speech. I have a copy here of the one that over the years I have culminated in preparation for
this event." Picard, from under the podium, withdrew a book. No, it was his speech! The audience
gasped. Picard cracked a small smile, in which his teeth looked reeeeally funny and his eyes got all
squinty and stuff. "But I won't be reading that today." The audience breathed a sigh of relief. "No, I am
going to make it short, and sweet.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the most anticipated event in the history
of this ship. Here, today, we present to you, our fellow Wesley Haters…"
"Wesley Haters!?!?!" Wesley squeaked. Worf kicked him in the side and he shut up. Picard
continued.
"…Our fellow Wesley Haters, The Trial of Wesley Crusher!" Wesley squeaked again at that one
but no one heard him over the deafening cheers of the crowd that was packed into the hall. As the
cheers began to look like they might be thinking about dying down sometime in the future, Worf pulled
out a bat'leth and without even pausing to take aim, hacked the chains off Wesley's hands and feet.
Then he dragged the pathetically whimpering ensign to the back wall, to which he was chained and hung
there. Following which the first witness was brought out.
"My name…my name is Selia. I am a shape shifter. And I…I once found myself, well, liking
Wesley Crusher." Stunned silence hung in the room as the crew was taken aback by this
shocking confession. The shadowy figure sitting in the witness chair fidgeted then continued in a
shaky voice. "Wesley…liked me too. He was my friend." The crew sat as still as could be,
listening enrapt to this dramatic saga. "Then he wanted our friendship to turn into
something…something…something more!" Cries of outrage rang out in the room, and from
somewhere in the darkness a commbadge flew down and bopped Wesley on the nose. He
fainted. Selia continued.
"So I…I morphed into a big hairy monster and grossed him out! That taught him a lesson!"
Cheers rose from the gathered audience and Selia was applauded vigorously.
"And now…my testimony. The reason why I hate Wesley Crusher!" Cheers again filled the room
until Picard waved silence to his crew. All was quiet as Selia presented her thesis statement.
"Wesley Crusher is a pimply freak who has no right whatsoever to even think that he has any
sort of value to the likes of me and my kind, being the squirming little pug-nosed, greasy-haired,
overachieving, conniving, brilliant-in-a-bad-way, wormy little insect that he is and always will be!
No matter how old this twerp gets, he will never grow up!"
The cheers in Crew Lounge 4 could be heard on the Kazon homeworld.
"My name is Ensign Carter. I was transferred to the Enterprise just under a year ago. At that time
Wesley was an acting ensign and at seventeen, just leaving his mother's quarters for the first
time. I arrived on the Enterprise with new dreams, fresh hopes, happy thoughts of making new
friends. My roommate assignment: Wesley Crusher. He sounded nice enough. I looked up his
record. Outstanding achievement, had saved the ship over twelve times, was at the top of his
class in all subjects save social skills…he seemed at first glance a perfect companion. Then I
reached the Personal section in his file. I read that his last roommate has thrown himself into the
Warp Nacelle plasma chamber after living with Wesley three days! The incident, however, was
attributed to a psychic reflection from the Enterprise's days at Utopia Planetia, and so I passed it
by as coincidence. After meeting Wesley, however my thought's changed dramatically.
"I moved in. We made each other's acquaintance. Then he…well he…well I…walked back from
my beta shift and got into the shower. But…Wesley was in there!! Oh, God, help me forget it!"
Picard strode up to the podium and gave Carter a reassuring pat on the back, telling him that he
need not go into details and please to try to continue for the sake of the trial. Carter nodded and
regained his composure.
"Anyway, two days later I was standing on the transporter pad with the beam set to scatter into
space. Luckily a passing lieutenant stopped me in time. And here I am, eleven months of therapy
later, and three more years to go." Carter took a breath and let it out. The crew around was
mesmerized.
"And now the reason I hate Wesley Crusher. I hate him because…because he's Wesley
Crusher!"
Cheers drowned out any further statements from Ensign Carter.
"My name is Robin Lefler. I am a lieutenant aboard the USS Excalibur. My previous assignments
following academy graduation were the USS Lollipop, the USS Fluffy Tufts, and the USS
Bleeding Hamster. The Enterprise seemed like a definite step up. And it was, as I proudly served
in engineering and made this ship run better. Until the day Wesley Crusher walked into
engineering and saw me and…and started flirting." Gasps echoed in the great hall of Crew
Lounge 4. Lefler went on.
"And I flirted back."
Shocked confusion.
"We were together, as a couple."
An elderly civilian in the crowd suffered cardiac arrest.
"We even got close to, to doing…the nasty."
At this point Riker lost his lunch all over the back of Captain Picard's head, and the Captain was
none too pleased. Yet he and only he understood the nature of his first officer's loss of control,
and forgave Riker. But by then Riker had made a dash out of Crew Lounge 4 and towards the
bathrooms. Wherever they were.
All hell broke loose and several contingents of security were required to calm the raging crowd.
"But we didn't, and that's the only good thing about this. Anyway, it was just my luck that a
shipwide disaster occurred at the time. We began to notice that everyone was playing this weird
game and getting all high off it and stuff. It was the thing to do. Everyone was on the game,
even the senior officers. Wesley and I, well mostly me, realized that this game was mind
control. So we resisted and pretended we were on the game, you know, to avoid peer pressure.
It worked, but pretty soon we found out that we were the only two people not on the game. This
really got to me. It was just me and him, me and him. All alone, just me and him." Waves of
sympathy were practically radiating off the crowd.
"It really got to me, you know? So you know what I did. I got on the game, just to get away from
him! That's the only reason I did it! Then he cured everybody and I had to hang out with him
again! It was like torture! So I left the Enterprise in a hurry. And I haven't seen him since. Until
now, when I am happy to tell everything to help put an end to this thing!" Ensign Lefler took a
deep breath.
"And now the reasons why I hate Wesley Crusher. One: All his physical characteristics. Two: All
his mental characteristics. Three: All his spiritual characteristics…." The crew continued to listen
to Lefler as she went on and on. Then: "Last: HIS BIRTHMARK!!!!'
And Lefler left the stage.
Picard took the podium.
"And now, my senior officers will give brief statements on why they hate Wesley Crusher!"
"Mister Riker, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"He's a big wimp, a squirmy worm. A freak. To think that in that Romulan future mind-thingy my
son looked remotely like him!! It's an outrage, I swear!"
"Counselor Troi, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"He is my favorite person…a wonnnnderful guy. I love him soooooo much. I love everybody so
much. I love you…and you….and you so very much….and you are dreamy, and you and you. Will you
marry me, Jean-Lukey? Or you, my hunky hunk hunk of a hunk William T. (hic) Riker?"
"Counselor, if I may ask, as a nonrelated question: have you, perchance, been taste-testing our
celebration tequila?"
"Are you counseling my criticizing techniques…? If you are…I wanna sock ya in the mouth, Mr.
Big-shot Captain Person. Come here and get what's come----zzz."
"Um, Mister Worf. Would it be too much trouble for you to carry the counselor to sickbay until
she awakens?"
"No sir. Back in no time."
"Mister Data, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"Well Captain, based upon a probability of five we can simplify the square root to x over 7 thus
relating the intelligence factor to one over zero. At this rate, sir, we can…"
"Thank you Data, that will be all."
"Yes sir."
"Mister Worf, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"May I just say, sir, that my fondest wish is to crush his vertebrae into a pulp and cook it for
dinner. As I have many times in holographic simulations."
"Mister LaForge, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"Two reasons, sir."
"Proceed."
"First, he's always taking credit for my ideas. And second…well…"
"Please continue, Mister LaForge."
"Well sir, from what I've heard about his looks, he's the only reason I don't want human sight!"
Picard again took his place at the podium.
"Unfortunately, the traveler was unable to come. But he did send this message:
"'I am so so so sorry that I told you Wesley was a genius, and I'm more sorry that I took him with
me! Life was hell! Regards - the Traveler.'" Picard looked up at the audience and received the usual
reaction: wild cheering. He then cleared his throat and tapped the podium impatiently until silence was
again reached. He continued.
"We will now proceed to the next part of the testimony, in which we will-" Picard was cut off by
Worf's voice coming over the comm. Picard tapped his commbadge and responded curtly, "Picard here."
"Captain," came the gruff voice of the Klingon security chief, "Counselor Troi has escaped from
sickbay." Picard sucked in his breath and looked concerned.
"Escaped, Worf? How?"
"Unknown, sir, however I must advise you to be prepared for possibly unusual---" Worf's comm
transmission was interrupted by a brief period of static and then the slurred voice of counselor Deanna
Troi.
"Attention to everybody on the Enter…Enterprise. I have an announcement to make. I appoint
myself Captain…no wait, I have two announcements. One, I appoint myself captain. Two, I release all
the little gerbils being held captive on the ship. It is so cruel to keep them in little cages with their little
noses twitching and their little minds rotting away. I can feel their pain…no, scratch all that I have three
announcements to make. One, I'm the Captain now. B, Free the gerbils. Three, everyone be a
vegetarian…dammit, there are four announcements! One, I'm Captain. Two, I'm a gerbil. Three,
Vegetarians. Four…" Picard cut off the audio with a flick of his wrist and turned to his crew.
"The situation is serious. Counselor Troi is apparently on the bridge and using the intership
comm system to infiltrate our minds." Picard paused. "It will be necessary for the Counselor to be bodily
removed from the bridge, and I authorize any actions deemed necessary to restrain her. Is anyone willing
to volunteer?"
The words were not even all the way out before a great rush to the turbolift ensued. Picard, still
standing at the podium, observed what was remaining of his audience and muttered, "I guess this means
the saying 'women and children first' is severely outdated."
Picard tapped his commbadge and shouted, "Will all men please return to Crew Lounge Four?
Mr. Worf will handle the situation." A stream of disappointed men began to return to the Lounge and the
trial continued.
"Ensign Jill Hanson, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"Well sir, I was new here, and I never thought I hated him until I thought someone had set us up,
then I kind of went berserk just thinking about it. If some men are a good catch, like from a nice fishing
stream, Wesley is what you'd expect to reel out of a toxic waste drainage area."
"Ensign Robbins, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"Sir, I hate him and everything, but it was pretty nifty to get this bionic arm!"
"Ensign Extra, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"He-he has a bigger part than me!!!!!!!"
"Morn, why do hate Wesley Crusher?"
*
"Morn? Hello?…is he alive?"
"Quark, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"He's bad for business. He enters the bar, everyone else leaves."
"Boothby, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"He trampled my begonias!"
"Crystalline Entity, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"Waaaaawaaaaaawaaaaaawaaaaaawaaaaaa…."
"Mmm, hmm. We'll come back to you."
"Agent Scully, oops! That can't be right!"
"All I can say is, I hope the scary trees get him."
"Okay…Agent Mulder, why do you hate Wesley Crusher?"
"The case? Mystery to me. The circumstances? Also I have no knowledge of these, nor of any of
the details. It's just like all the rest of my assignments. My advice? Easy. The Truth is out there. I get off
easy when it comes to solving my cases."
Picard took the podium and carried it away to his secret hideout, laughing maniacally. (Just
kidding.)
Picard took the podium. He cleared his throat and silence hung in the room, awaiting his speech.
"I would say that concludes our witness section." Picard cleared his throat again. "And now for
the verdict." Suddenly a flash blinded the occupants of Crew Lounge Four and everyone instantly knew
who it was: Q.
"Bonjour, Mon Capitan."
"Q."
"Quite. I always knew you had a good head on your shoulders, Jean-Luc."
"Q."
"Yes, and I wish to add my own contribution to this trial, especially at this particular point."
"Q."
"Here and quite enthralled."
"Q."
"Jean-Luc, you're just going to have to snap out of it. Don't you want to see my idea for Wesley's
eternal torture?"
"Er, yes, of course. Proceed."
"Thank you, Captain. Now, observe."
Q snapped his fingers and Wesley's chains dissolved, dropping him to the floor with a thud. Then
a mysterious Q-force lifted him to his feet and stood him there, where a new landscape formed itself
around Wesley. A desert, with animal warriors wielding bayonets. "Hide and Q!" Q shouted gleefully.
Wesley looked up just as one of the animals thrust its bayonet through him, it entering through
his back. He looked down to see the bloody point of the bayonet emerge from his stomach. He groaned
and fell to his knees, then face down in the sand, dying. The crowd went wild.
In a case of mass déjà vu, Wesley was standing in a desert landscape, with animal warriors
wielding bayonets. Wesley looked up just as one of the animals thrust its bayonet through him, it entering
through his back. He looked down to see the bloody point of the bayonet emerge from his stomach. He
groaned and fell to his knees, then face down in the sand, dying. The crowd went wild.
Wesley looked up just as one of the animals thrust its bayonet through him, it entering through
his back. He looked down to see the bloody point of the bayonet emerge from his stomach. He groaned
and fell to his knees, then face down in the sand, dying. The crowd went wild.
Wesley looked up just as one of the animals thrust its bayonet through him, it entering through
his back. He looked down to see the bloody point of the bayonet emerge from his stomach. He groaned
and fell to his knees, then face down in the sand, dying. The crowd went wild.
Wesley looked up just as one of the animals thrust its bayonet through him. "Wonderful!"
exclaimed Picard. "You've outdone yourself, Q!" Wesley looked down to see the bloody point of the
bayonet emerge from his stomach.
"A small feat really, Jean-Luc, but quite entertaining to say the least, wouldn't you say?" Q
answered. Wesley groaned and fell to his knees, then face down in the sand, dying. The crowd went wild.
"Can we stop for now, though, Q? I'm sure this is very lovely, but I think it would be better saved
for our sentence," Picard proposed. Wesley looked up just as one of the animals thrust its bayonet
through him.
"Really? Oh, very well. Not even your pickiness can ruin my mood today!" Q conceded. Wesley
looked down to see the bloody point of the bayonet emerge from his stomach, then to find himself back
on wall chained at the hands and feet.
"And the verdict is…" Picard paused, for effect. It worked. Everyone was on the edge of their
seat waiting for the deciding news. Picard continued.
"The verdict is…" Picard paused again, further aggravating the crowd. "Oh get on with it!" yelled
out an impatient Q. "Yes, but first my story. I had many years to prepare this," Picard said while pulling
out a book the size of a dictionary out on the podium. The crowd watched in stunned silence as Picard
smiled at the reaction. "But I have made a shorter version," he pulled a sheet of paper out of the podium
and commenced reading his story.
" When I was first assigned to the USS Enterprise I was pround to be Captain of such a fine ship
and crew. The fact that there were many families on board never bothered me. You can probably recall
the wonderful celebration after my appointment," Picard said, pausing so that an embarrased Riker could
turn away for the glares of the crew. During that party he had gotten so drunk that he passed out in the
punchbowl and still continued to sing "Twinkle twinkle little star" with half his head submerged. "I went
around to talk with the senior officers and there I first encountered that filthy, vile creature known as
Wesley Crusher," the hatred in his voice frightened the crew, some doubted his mental state, but then
remembered that he went through 7 years of Wesley's whining. "His mother brought him onto the bridge.
Onto my bridge. Unannounced. I nearly had a heart attack when I first laid eyes upon him. My heart, I
must say, has never been the same since." He paused. "And he told me he knew how everything worked.
How to use and excel at manipulating every button in that room. I, naturally, threw him out. But he came
back again and again, and again.
"He terrorized me. He practically stalked me! I couldn't get away from him, always his begging,
begging to be allowed on the bridge. Finally I had to give in, as you must concede to me."
Beverly carefully inserted her disk holding sample genetic material from several members of her
family, such as her mother, her cousin, Wesley, her sister, and herself. She had been asked to bring
these to the genetics convention so that she could have a hands-on approach to genetics and get a good
feel using familiar subjects. She pulled up the files, comparing them to each other. They were
remarkably similar in almost all respects, but-
"Oh my God…" Beverly spoke under her breath. She grabbed the disk and ran to the professor.
"Captain," Worf stated in a concerned tone from Tactical. His station was beeping softly.
"Yes, Mr. Worf?" Picard turned his head enough to look interested but not near enough to see
Worf at all from his chair.
"Captain, I read Dr. Crusher's shuttle on long range sensors."
"I see." Picard took a deep breath. Then he pressed the intership comm button on his chair arm.
"Attention crew of the USS Enterprise: Dr. Crusher's shuttle has just been detected on long range
sensors. We have much work to do before she arrives in…" Picard looked to Worf, who made a signal.
"…twenty minutes. Clean up. Everything must look as it did before she left with no exceptions. You are
the finest crew in the fleet, and I have the utmost trust in your ability. Make me proud. Picard out."
Crewmen all over the ship began sweeping up confetti.
Beverly walked along the corridors of the enterprise, feeling something was different but not
knowing exactly what. Maybe it was that Wesley hadn't come running up to her to show off all his new
inventions yet. Yeah, that was it. Where was he?
The doctor entered the turbolift and stated her destination. She was going to the bridge, at
Picard's personal summons. She walked out onto the bridge, nodded to those there, who seemed to be
hiding something though she couldn't guess what, and headed for the ready room.
Picard stood from his chair as Beverly entered. He was concerned about something. He walked
around to the front of his desk and leaned against it. He gestured to Beverly to take a seat. She did.
"Beverly. There is something I have to tell you. This is not easy for me, but as ship's captain it is
my duty to inform you of it."
"What is it, Jean Luc?"
"I'm sorry, Beverly, but Wesley is…dead."
Beverly turned pale and the room seemed to spin around her. She collapsed into the soft sofa
and Picard moved to comfort her, but she waved him away. She regained her composure and suddenly
turned an angry red. She jumped up to face Picard and shouted into his face.
"Jean-Luc, I can not believe this! I left Wesley in your care! Under your protection!"
"Beverly, I can explain-"
"I don't want your explanations, Picard! I want the truth! I leave here with confidence in you! In
the crew! And what do I get for my trust? Betrayal!"
"But, Bev-"
"No buts, mister! I simply can not believe this! You killed him, didn't you? How could you? How
could you?!?!?"
"Beverly, please-"
"How could you let me miss it?!?!?"
Picard practically fell over in shock. He sputtered, turned red, then white, then managed to get
some words out, and they were weak and unsure.
"Well, we, um, got it on holovid…" Beer
"Screw your holovid! It's just not the same."
"Um, sorry."
"You are sorry, you know that? I can't believe you people. Hey, how'd you do it?"
"Oh man, it was great. See first, we…wait, one question first. How come all of a sudden you're
glad to see your son dead?"
"I found out something at that convention: Wesley's not my real son!"
"Bev, that's great!"
"I know! But tell me how you did it before I die from curiosity!"
"Okay! Well first we put him on trial, with all these witnesses…"
"Oh, that's so brilliant!"
"Then Q showed up and put him through eternal torture…"
"Jean-Luc, I'm only getting more angry at you for letting me miss this."
"I said I was sorry! God, what do I have to do?"
"Just go on with the story."
"Okay, so then-"
Picard stepped up to the podium and pounded his gavel upon it with enthusiasm. The crowd
quieted immediately.
"Welcome, friends, to the last meeting of The Kill Wesley Club. I know we are all greatly
saddened at the demise of this honorable club. But it has served its purpose, and served it well. "
The crowd cheered as they had never cheered before. Picard continued.
"We have had several very special guests during this past week, including Q and the Crystalline
Entity. We thank from the bottom of our hearts all those who came to testify and tell us why they hated
Wesley Crusher. They are all very dear to us and to our club."
Cheers ensued.
"That, unfortunately, must conclude this Final Meeting of the Kill Wesley Club. Long Live our
club, and forever suffer Wesley!!!!!!!"
The crowd practically imploded from the force of its own enthusiasm. When the last crew
member's voice had finally given out, Picard dismissed the assembly. As they were filing out of Crew
Lounge Four, Picard called out his last announcement.
"Don't forget to show up next week for our other club meeting!"
Deanna Troi, still seated with a puzzled look on her face, asked "What other club?"