You know what I can't stand? It's when you have absoFREAKINGlutely nothing to do. That's where TCI or your cable company comes in. Are you tired of BASIC service? Well go ahead and read on......

First of all, take note of what channels you DON'T have. Try some like HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, Disney?, Encore, Movie Channel, etc., etc. These come in handy when you finally get them. Next, it is very important you do this when no one is outside, otherwise the entire plan will be ruined.

Go outside. Find where you cable relay is. Not the one on your house, dork, but the one in your alley, telephone poll, backyard, frontyard, or near your house. The BOX type cable relay is usually green or gray. These are the easiest to break into. What you need is a hammer and a point (optional). What really works good is a geologist hammer. Anyways, enough on the history of hammers, hell just find a way to break the piss-ant lock on the cable box. Once you get the lock off (tough huh?) take a look at the cable relay. There is sometimes more than one cable line into the box. This is probably your neighbors cable. Find the one in the box that is on your side. Confusing? Here let me show you.

             ffffffffffff
            f   /\   /-\ f     f = frame of cable box
            f  () | () | f     | = Cable line
            f  () | () | f    () = Metallic tubes that block out channels
            f  |  | |  | f     g = Ground
            f  |  | |  | f
            f  |  | |  | f
            f  |  | |  | f
            f  |  | |  | |
  gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
               /^\   /^\
                |     |
<-Your house--- /     \ --Neighbors house-->

Ok James Bond, your operation is to remove the little silver looking tubes. These tubes block out channels like HBO and Showtime. Take off one of the little tubes. Close the box, go inside, turn on your T.V and flip through the pay channels to see which channels the Lucky Charm Elf left you. Ok, you keep removing them until you have every single pay channel imaginable. There is one problem with this plan, next time the cable man comes by and sees you have been ripping off over $50 worth the pay channels every month, he is going to be pretty pissed off. So he'll be thinking,"I'm gonna get them goddamned thieves!" He'll probably disconnect your cable. Just think about it. "Uhhh ohhhhh! this will be REEEEAAAALLLL HARD to reconnect." Just go out to the cable box and reconnect the disconnected wires. One way to get around this is to give everybody in your neighborhood free pay channels, that way he can't convict the culprit. If you keep doing this every month w/o being caught then you got it made. Otherwise they will permanently disconnect your cable and take you to small claims court for every dollar worth of cable you stole.

For you pissholes whose cable relay is on a telephone pole, you are going to have to steal some pole climbing shoes or get one long fucking ladder. This gets to be a real bitch. Just find the cable wires leading into your house. Take ALL of the tubes off since you are sort-of in a hurry. Take your ladder down and go inside, make a glass of ice-tea and enjoy the cable.

Since it is late at night, there will probably be some tit movies on Showtime or Cinemax. Make sure you record them with your stolen VCR from Best Buy. You can later sell these tapes to horny Indians at school like Raj, Rajan, Hashiv, Tubah, Crewntol, and Bustav. See, not only do you get $50 worth of free cable, but can make $10-$20 off of movies too. See? Being bored can be fun!