In this popular on-line advice column, Photographer X offers us a rare insight seasoned by his life of constant danger. Please appreciate the trememdous risk Photographer X is placing himself in, as he attempts to educate the public.
Photographer X, last night I saw something kind of strange. I was walking down my driveway, and, to the west, I saw a really bright red light in the sky. It was disk shaped, and moving very rapidly, in a zig-zag pattern. It accelerated as I watched it, then vanished. It was very eerie. What do you think it was?
Flee! Flee in terror and panic! The aliens have taken up residence near your neighborhood! First it starts off like this- a few lights in the sky, a circular depression in a field. And then, before you know it, cattle are being mutilated left and right, you wake up in the morning with an implant, and your neighbors are all replaced with alien duplicates! Pack your bags, check out your money and get out of town before things get worse...and I assure you, they will, they will...
Dear Photographer X,
Ever since I subscribed to "UFO" magazine, I have noticed that all my mail has arrived in a suspicious state- like someone has already opened it, and expertly sealed it again. At first it was only my electric bills and personal correspondence that was opened, but now everything, including the "You may have already won 60 million dollars" sweepstakes have been tampered with...What does this mean?
The Postal Service...or should I say "the Meglomanical Space-Alien Mail Interception Service"! Is there nothing that it will not stoop to? As clearly documented in The Inner Government, the aliens in the "Postal Service" have long engaged in experiments with radio-wave torture on private citizens, as well as stalking, harassing, and implanting listening devices in the teeth of human employees. You are one of their more subtle victims. Once your interest in the "paranormal" was known, they immediately began monitoring you 24 hours a day. Quick! Look out the window! Do you see someone mowing a yard, joggin past, walking a dog or driving by? These are not innocent occurrences! You are being watched. You must be on your guard. Never let it be suspected that your "on to them." Instead, immediately begin secretly stockpiling weapons, food, and digging an escape tunnel. The onslaught could begin at any minute!
Oh, Photographer X, I don't know what to do! Ever since little "Johnny" came back from his high-school trip to France he has been acting strangely! Now he only sleeps standing up, and he can't pronounce words of more than two syllables...He calls a French phone number every morning at 2:00. What should I do?
Worried in Wichita
You must brace yourself- little Johnny has an alien implant. The aliens, it would seem, have taken control of most of his mind. Be strong- I believe Johnny can yet be saved, with medical intervention. First, you must take steps to ensure he does not escape. Drug his food, and shackle him to a sturdy pipe in the basement. I have already notified our implant-removal team in your area. Await their contact.
How often should I replace the batteries in my smoke detector?
Puzzled in Peoria
What?!? Are you insane?!? Inside every "smoke detector" is an alien Proteus mind-reading module! Using these sinister devices, the aliens contiunally monitor the every thought of a majority of the populace! Yes, it's true! Quickly you must take steps to remove this foul alien device from your home:
1. Construct protective headgear- purchase a roll of aluminum foil (but not from the alien-owned "Wal-Mart") and line the inside of a hat with a double layer. Wear this at all times! This seemingly crude fashion statement blocks the aliens' Proteus waves.
2. After your thoughts have been protected, carefully remove the "smoke detector." Obtain a large hammer or mallet, and smash it to bits.
3. Place the debris in the microwave, and set it on "high" for ten minutes. Disregard any smoke and/or flames that may shoot from the microwave. After all, isn't it worth a microwave to be sure you have eradicated the alien presence from your home?
4. Place the melted debris inside a plastic baggy, and wrap the baggy in three layers of aluminum foil. Wait until midnight, then take the remains outside city limits. Bury them in a hole six feet deep beside the highway.
Follow these four simple steps, and your thoughts can be your own once again!
Hello Photographer X, do you think that the prime minister of Australia, John Howard is part of the alien menace that faces this planet?
YES, absolutely! There is hardly a politician left on earth that has not been replaced by a sinister alien duplicate! It is the duty of every patriotic citizen to immediately begin stockpiling high-power weaponry, gas masks, food and flourine-free drinking water for the time when this "cold war" turns hot...
Dear Mr. X, I have been to France and have been to the Eiffel Tower. Two questions. Is there a reason that they don't let you to the top level? Is it a secret broadcasting station? Two, how would I know if I have an implant?
The Tower- who knows what extraterrestrial horrors lurk within its uppermost level? Alien communication equipment? An implant control station? "Proteus" monitoring computers? A Fiendish superweapon of unbelievable magnitude? We can only hope that whatever abominations reside there, we will be able to destroy it in time to save our planet.
Since you have been to "France"- and I hate to have to break this to you- you undoubtedly have had an implant placed in your body. Here are some common warning signs of that you may have an implant:
1) You get the urge to eat snails and take French classes
2) You buy every book recommended by Oprah (the aliens have included subliminal instructions in the text of all these abominations of alien literature).
3) You have spells of rage, twitching limbs and periods in which you black out.
4) You stop eating beef.
If you suffer any of the above symptoms, you probably have an implant. Do not attempt to remove it yourself; rather, get in touch with an implant removal specialist. I am not at liberty to give out contact information here- but rest assured, Dr. Danger and his colleagues will not rest until every spine, liver and duodenum on our planet are rid of these implants.
Photographer X are you an alien? I recently have been hearing in the news that we humans are the mysterious aliens. What is your take on that?
Curious in Connecticut
Are you mad? I am not an alien, but rather the Earth's best hope for an alien-free planet! And I cannot believe that you trust this so-called "news" which is, in reality, alien propaganda created to deceive, and make us gradually accept the invaders as "peaceful." Witness the horrifying nightmares called movies such as "E.T." and "Abyss" and "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." If you see one of these insidious examples of alien propaganda at a video store, rest assured the owner is an alien deluding the public! Report this alien's store to the nearest human resistance cell, and we shall immediately begin making plans to burn it down, along with others all over the country, on a date picked by me, which shall be code named "Night of the Flaming VHS."
Dear Photographer X,
Let me cut to the chase, there is a crop circle at my high school, I fear that the teachers have already been switched, I know the principal has because he walks around with his fake plastic-looking grin all of the time, I fear for my life and hope that the aliens don't know that I'm on to them. What should I do?
As we all know, the aliens make it a top priority to subvert the youth our nation- turning them into passive, lily-livered, tolerant individuals! The mass fluoridation of our water supply has set our population up for the fall- to believe every vile lie spoon-fed to them from the alien-controlled media and the cesspools we call the "Public Education System"! As you have been so horrifyingly made aware, the aliens now control every facet of your education...and you must resist! Question everything...watch your enemy like a hawk...form a resistance cell in your school. Above all, cultivate a paranoid, xenophobic attitude in everything you do!
Dear Photographer X,
I have removed all the smoke detectors from my house, as any prudent homeowner would do. But I now have just discovered they are putting in a new coin operated Laundromat across the street. This seems innocent enough, but a trained eye can see its insidious nature. The question is, what can I do to protect myself? I am already wearing a pith helmet lined with aluminum foil, but that only protects so much.
Dazed and confused
Laundry! The heinous alien plot spirals ever deeper into depravity! Will they stop at nothing? It was only recently that I was able to learn that the diabolical alien forces had begun to infiltrate various soap, detergent and Laundromat companies...with the obvious intent being to introduce horrific chemicals into our systems! Not content to slowly sap our vitality with "fluorine" in the water, now all our soap and detergent products are likewise contaminated with terrifying alien chemicals. Slowly, oh so slowly, they sap our will, leaving us weak, passive, sensitive individuals...easy prey for our evil nemesis!
Quickly, you must cease using any commercial cleansing product at once! The smell may take some getting used to, but as an added benefit, it seems to drive away all the alien duplicates that otherwise would keep you under constant surveillance. As far as the Laundromat goes, you have two options: 1) flee in abject horror or 2) place them under counter surveillance. If you choose the second option, I suggest that you aid your local resistance cell by taking photographs of every alien that enters the horrifying site. Keep a wary eye, and remember...the fate of the entire world is on your shoulders.
Hey! My 'best friend' Anna, (a vegetarian), has been acting really oddly. For example, when talking about the recent ufo sightings, she broke out in an inconsistent babble. When exposed to my hamburger, she leapt up and knocked it to the ground claiming it to have happened by accident. Then, upon coming to my house, she looked at the smoke detectors and smiled. How weird. Then, I found this site, and I am confronted with the thoughts that 'Anna' could in fact be an e.b.e. (extraterrestrial biological entity) Are my fears confirmed?
Astute citizen!
The horror! The horror! Undoubtedly, Anna has been replaced by a cunningly disguised alien duplicate! Keep in mind that this "Anna" that you thought you knew is none other than heinous being intent on the slavery of Planet Earth! For now, I advise the utmost caution... any indication that you are aware of "her" diabolical nature could trigger your own abduction and replacement...
Immediately follow these steps:
1) Triple your consumption of beef and beef by-products.
2) Destroy all of the "smoke detectors" in your home- however, for the sake of secrecy, I suggest you mount their empty plastic casings on the ceiling, to deter "Anna's" suspicion...
3) Begin stockpiling munitions of all sorts.
4) Dig an escape tunnel from your home, in case you need to make an "expedient" exit...
5) Make sure the local resistance cell is aware of "Anna's" true nature.
6) Be consumed by an maniacal sense of paranoia in everything that you do... such is the only truly logical response to the imminent threat of the destruction of earth at the the hands of the alien hordes!
Chere "Photographer X",
Je voudrais dire que tu est tres malade. Ton photo est amusant, mais il est faux. Nous ne sommes pas "aliens", et le Tour D'Eiffel est un grand monument. Tu besion d'une vie.
Au revoir,
Une francaise en colere.
Fiendish alien! Do you think to confuse me with your savage tongue and biting comments? I am on to you! Do you here me? You think you can abduct our citizens, mutilate our cattle and get us to join Oprah's book talks...well no more! Your time is coming, alien! Humanity shall prevail!
Do you have any questions for, or need advice from, Photographer X? Send them to PhotographerX@bigfoot.com
Get your own Free Home Page