Many have wondered how the diabolical alien nemesis seems to know their every move- indeed, their every thought. This explanation is simple, yet horrifying: Proteus. For many years the aliens have monitored the thoughts of a large proportion of the populace using their diabolical "Proteus" mind- reading devices! Based on incredibly advanced technology, these Proteus machines pick up the minute electromagnetic pulses inside human brains, and transmit them to our alien oppressors!
Terrifyingly, these Proteus devices are installed in every so-called "smoke detector" in the world…and what better hiding place can be found? What other object does every "authority" urge you to place in every room of your house? From their convient vantage points on the ceilings of our dwellings, these Proteus devices easily read and transmit the thoughts of their unsuspecting victims.
But you do not believe me…then please, go and open up one of these "smoke detectors" and look closely inside. What is that little warning label? CAUTION RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL! The deadly Americium 241 in fact…now please tell me what possible logical reason there could be for having RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL inside such a "simple" electronic device designed to detect smoke? There is none. Obviously, there is a sinister motive behind the inclusion of potentially lethal RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL inside such a "harmless" little device. The astoundingly complex machinery required to rip the brain-waves from your very skull and transmit them countless miles to monitoring stations obviously requires a large amount of energy- much more than is available from the puny 9 volt "dummy" power supply that is used for the incidental smoke detection. The explanation presents itself…nuclear power. These devices are powered by nuclear fission in the Americium 241 power plants contained in every smoke detector. The brain-wave readers detect the electromagnetic pulses in our brains, and send these pulses to the supercomputer. The supercomputer them decodes and transmits our "private" thoughts to the alien monitoring stations. Once received, the computers screen our thoughts for certain "dangerous" words and phrases such as "aliens," "conspiracy," "UFO," "Photographer X," "omnipresent extraterrestrial nightmare" and thousands of others. Once such "subversive" thoughts have been detected, one of the aliens is alerted, and the victim is immediately placed under surveillance.
Still you doubt…then test for yourself. Go to a location containing a "smoke detector" and think this phrase: "I shall resist and fight the omnipresent extraterrestrial nightmare for the freedom of our planet." Now be alert! Very soon, you should be able to observe an alien, seemingly engaged in innocent activity, spying on you. It may be a jogger in the street…a friendly neighbor…an airplane droning in the sky…but rest assured: you are being watched.
You must take these simple steps to protect yourself from the Proteus devices:
1. Construct protective headgear- purchase a roll of aluminum foil (but not from the alien-owned "Wal-Mart") and line the inside of a hat with a double layer. Wear this at all times! This seemingly crude fashion statement blocks the aliens' Proteus waves.
2. After your thoughts have been protected, carefully remove the "smoke detector." Obtain a large hammer or mallet, and smash it to bits.
3. Place the debris in the microwave, and set it on "high" for ten minutes. Disregard any smoke and/or flames that may shoot from the microwave. After all, isn't it worth a microwave to be sure you have eradicated the alien presence from your home?
4. Place the melted debris inside a plastic baggy, and wrap the baggy in three layers of aluminum foil. Wait until midnight, then take the remains outside city limits. Bury them in a hole six feet deep beside the highway.
However, in some cases, these steps may not be enough- the aliens could have planted multiple Proteus devices. If you have reason to suspect that the aliens have other Proteus devices secreted in your home, you have only one option: burn it down. Only once your Proteus-infested home is reduced to smoldering rubble will you again feel the peace of knowing that your thoughts are truly your own.
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