MYTHOLOGY (For those weary of it)

This is something I wrote way way way back last fall when I the
newsgroup was up to its ears in "mythology".   It's a satirical look at
the dreaded "mytharc" in two parts.  (The second part "Bride of
Mythology" involves Marahootey, and that's the real reason I'm posting
this.)  For some reason last night's episode reminded me of it.

As the X-Files mythology gets more and more convoluted, I'm starting to
wonder if the answers are going to take as much time as the questions
did.  Or are they going to put some GIGANTIC monologue in some
character's mouth at some point, like this:

"Okay, see the original project was an alien- human hybrid thingy, BUT
then some other aliens showed up and they didn't approve of that or,
no, wait, they did, okay.  So, but there was this clone business
y'know.  And some of the aliens didn't approve of that AT ALL! 
Because, y'know, they don't intermarry.  It's a religious thing.  OY! 
Don't let me get into alien religion!  Like Samantha.  She was a clone.
I mean, she had a lot of clones, and she wanted to get married to this
one alien.  But he kept morphing, and she said, "Y'know, I don't know
who you ARE anymore!"  So now the wedding's off, and all the aliens had
to return the gifts which they don't like because of the lines at
CUSTOMER SERVICE.  It's the same thing all over the universe.  Anyway,
once those aliens started morphing (no-not those aliens, the other
ones) you could never be sure what was up or who you were talking
to-even after the mandatory name tag thing, 'cause they kept switching
them.  And some of the aliens (no- not those aliens, the other ones)
said, "Hey!  What we need is a colony on Earth!"  And that's where
Samantha (no, not that Samantha-the other one) was really helpful
because she knows real estate and she has a really smart brother. 
"Will he help us against the BOUNTY HUNTER?" we pled (which we do very
effectively in our ZANXVAG state-Zero gravity helps.)  "Well" says she,
"He's kind of a PUNK, and we'll have to keep the kids away from his
video collection..."  But WAIT!  I didn't tell you about the BOUNTY
HUNTER, did I?  Alien/human/hybrid/clone of some famous bodybuilder. 
Most stand-up guy you'll ever meet but DUMB AS TOAST.  so what the
aliens (no-not those aliens THE OTHER ONES) say is,  "Basically we just
need you to kill for us, oh, and heal."  And he, being DUMB AS TOAST
says, "Okay, but what am I?" and they say,   "Oh, we lost track a long
time ago..."  So he, being DUMB AS TOAST just goes around killing...and
healing.  Except, I think a while back he became Jeremiah Smith, but
don't quote me on that because I'm pretty sure the pod is bugged.  OH
OH OH!  SO!  We meet this brother of Sam's, but he gets her thrown in
the river;  well, not really her.  Ya think she was dumb enough to send
HERSELF?  He's got a real thing for his little partner, as do half the
hybrids since they saw her lying inert in the SPACELAB, but that's back
when she was abducted.  You should SEE the clones they made of her.  
YO MAMA!  And each one smarter than the next, and one can touch her
nose with her tongue!  And each one thinks her partner is crazy as a
loon!  Which he is, you know.  Kinda cute, but inept.  I don't know why
high command thinks he's so freakin' CRUCIAL!  (I'm better than that
guy.)  ANY-ways, that abduction thing was a BIG BAD GOVERNMENT DEAL
with that CANCERMAN, and we get that little red-haired hot number up to
the SPACELAB, and he wants to renege!
Sos anyways, back on earth the colony isn't doing so well because-
well- they're bored like everybody else on Earth.  ALl they did,
basically, is hide out and watch Star Trek re-runs on T.V. while
screaming with laughter.  Sos the head clone- (they call him the head
clown)- puts all these little pairs of clones to work raising bees in
Canada which they love.  "Now this is a REAL COUNTRY!" the kids said,
but forget about them 'cause we did.  'Cause about this time some MORE
aliens showed up and they had OIL which they smeared over everyone and
everything that got in their way.  So, we got out of their way.  Like
we care if they have some bucket of bolts of an old spaceship in the
ocean!  Like they're really going to fly that thing out of there!  We
got whole hangars full of the new models WITH CUP HOLDERS!  So, we
taunted them a bit while they tried to turn the thing over, and they
said, "Begone, morphlings!"  And we said, "That's not us, it's the
other guys."  And the other guys said, "You WISH you could morph,
SLIMEBOY!"  So, things got nastier than usual  But that PUNK,
Samantha's brother -he had to get mixed up in all this.  (He's been
hanging out with an old Navajo guy who I THINK knew my parents.  Canny
old guy, but he only likes to talk Navajo, and he ain't talkin' in any
case.)  But that brother likes to poke his nose in, y'know?  I hope
they use one of the clones of his hot little partner to bump him off
one day.  Dopey little meddler.  (Do you know he once spent a whole day
in a field trying to channel a Polish woman or something?)  Not even
worth kidnapping him.  Well, they did once, but his father was mixed up
in that.  (No, not that father, the other one.)  All those fathers are
really the same guy.  The whole EVIL CONSORTIUM was just a bunch of
dumb little boobies that we eliminated eons ago and replaced with
animatronics...except for the aliens.  (NO...the other aliens.)  Walt
Disney helped with that, and we promised to re-animate him one day. 
What a sucker!  ANY-way, what with that DUMB AS TOAST Bounty Hunter
climbing aboard submarines.  (KILL...and HEAL, what's hard about that?)
and people oozing oil from orifices, and all those bees not even
producing honey, I figure we've loused up here on earth, and Sam
agrees.  She's not hot on her PUNK of a brother since he got her thrown
in the river.  (Yeah, it wasn't her, but he didn't know that.)  And her
Mom has a real thing for one of the animatrons (no-not that one, the
other one.)  So, as soon as we round up the clone nation, we're out of
here.  Krycek's coming.  He and Sam, what can I say?  SPARKS!  Maybe
their UBER-children will one day find a way to save the world.
JFK?  I thought the "Mob" did that.
I mean, I find the questions exhausting enough!
MYRKE 
(myrke@ix.netcom.com)
This is continued in "Bride of Mythology".

BRIDE OF MYTHOLOGY: Starring Marahootey

I wrote this way back in the fall as a sequel to "MYTHOLOGY"

Just when we thought things couldn't get any more complicated!  So,
where was I?  Hmmm....  Well, we-that's Sam and me and the others-no
not those others, the OTHER others- you know who I mean.  Anyway, we
went up to Canada to round up the clone nation and generally tidy up.
"Don't leave a TRACE!"  said that Cancerman.  Right.  Like anyone down
here would know what to do with a trace if he found it!  Humans-NOT the
brightest!  I get better conversation out of the detritus orbitting the
rings of Saturn.  (Detritus the Elder-what a character!  He could spin
a yarn!)  BUT, we of OTHER REALMS try to show a little consideration,
so we go with the mops and the brooms, y'know, the gas and the matches
and try to motivate the CLONE NATION.  So, no sooner does the clean-up
get underway when out of nowhere appears this BLONDE.  (A bottle
blonde, Sam says.  Sam KNOWS things;  she just DOES*)  Not bad-lookin',
but the robe was inappropriate.  We got kids here-lots of 'em.  Anyway,
she says nothin' for the longest, just stands and stares, and we
stare...  Finally, she looks at the hives, cocks one eyebrow and says,
"BEE HUSBANDRY?"  And right away, all of the kids start turning to each
other with raised eyebrows and saying, "BEE HUSBANDRY?" in that WAY TOO
SULTRY tone she had.  "Oh great!" we thought.  "A fad!"  And the kids
were all hot to clone her.  It's our fault, I guess, for not lettin'
'em have Barbie dolls.  But Sam peeks behind her ear  and finds her
model number:  BOYFIC1967  "This one we don't have to clone," says Sam.
"That Bond guy has five just like this one to staff his wet bar."  So,
we ignore it, and it goes away.  But, this is where things got ugly
'cause Krycek went with her.  You remember about Sam and Krycek?  Well,
do we EVER feel like big dumb butts 'cause it turns out he can't be
trusted in the least!  ANY-way, he left with the Bottle Blonde and went
off to toy and meddle and infuscate with Sam's brother.  That PUNK of a
brother!  This is all his fault!  It HAS to be!  I swear, I don't know
why his hot little partner doesn't shoot him.  Well, she did once, but
not where it counts...or with any conviction."
I remember the time he jumped a speeding train just to get a look at
that lab mishap we palmed off on the Japanese.  And we're thinking,
"PORQUOI?"  I mean, "WHY?  What in BEE HUSBANDRY was he thinking?  We
made it, and WE didn't want to look at it!  (Well, we didn't MAKE it
exactly.  We got it in a PURITY CONTROL trade.  Not sure who got the
raw end of that one.  Turns out it WAS monkey pee.  I'm not SAYING from
which planet.  Anyway, it's not like it could make humans any WORSE.) 
So, where was I, oh yeah, so he wants to look at this poor old hybrid,
and the thing has a head like a side of beef.  THEY blew it up, I
guess.  No, not them, the OTHERS, no, yeah,...yeah,  THEM.  So, anyway,
THEY were all mixed up in this, them and "X".  Well, not really, but he
was around.  Saved the PUNK'S life, I believe.  Now HE was a class act.
I'm talking about "X".  Handsome, professional, deadly.  HIM we would
clone!  The PUNK used to put an "X" made of masking tape on his window,
and nobody knew why.  "Why the "X" on the window?" they would ask over
and over and over.  Not, them, the NEW ones.  Who knew?  It didn't have
anything to do with "X" 'cause he showed up when he wanted to, and
sometimes he DIDN'T.  And sometimes when he wasn't wanted.  Just
LURKIN' ABOUT.  Good old "X".  They shot 'im.  No, the OTHERS.  Serves
him right for not getting a real name.  "X" is what they put on
targets.
Anyway, old Krycek went off to obveigle the PUNK, and we decided to
drop the clean-op (I mean, NOTHING disappears without a trace) and find
out what in BEE HUSBANDRY was going on anymore.  We left the kids
knee-deep in the FAD and caught up to the CONSORTIUM.  You know, those
guys we eliminated (except for the aliens) eons ago and replaced with
animatronics?  Well, it turns out they're just sitting around playing
cards in a smoky room.  Not one of them has a clue except for that
CANCERMAN.  He smokes out on location while infuscating.  He tells us
it's all about a rock.  About then some other aliens show up.  (NOT the
ones you're thinking.)  "NOT," they gasp, "The dreaded rat-shaped
rock?!"  Turns out this thing was full of oil.  "Always you guys with
the oil," we said.  And the oil turned into worms.  "AND worms!" we
said 'cause we remembered that ice thing.  But we said to the other
aliens...who had just shown up, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF BEE HUSBANDRY IS
GOING ON HERE ANYMORE?" we cried in frustration.  "Follow the pouch..."
said one guy.   Not that guy.  That other guy.  That one guy. We don't
know how he figures in.  "Who's got the pouch?" the OTHERS cried.  "To
find out, " follow Krycek, he said ominously.  "Well," we queried, "Is
he armed?"
Dedicated to Helen Anthony
*a reference to the GIZ