Jonee's Thoughts

Happiness

Happiness, to most of us, is a destination. A long journey that many do not feel they have ever truly reached. The choices we make and the things we do tend to revolve around our happiness. Although, I often wonder if the happiness I have had in my life were actually "happy".

To what degree was my happiness? Were the times that I felt I was truly happy actually joyous times or were they merely better than the bad times? As humans we are constantly questioning and analyzing our life's worth. I have found myself to measure my happiness as to what kind of life I have led......in that I mean if I feel that I have had more "happy" times then my life has meant more than it would otherwise.....but I now realize that it is possible for "happiness to be merely the absence of pain".

We spend so much time trying to make ourselves more interesting, exciting, and (in a sense) happy that no matter what level of happiness we reach, more than likely it will never be enough to satisfy us. There is something within us that overwhelms our (ideas of) satisfaction and can furthermore cause us to forever be in competition with ourselves, therefore never attaining the happiness we so strive for.

The Dark Side

In each of us there is a dark side, a side that the majority of us try to hide. A side that feeds on anger, loneliness, pain, and madness. Even the most innocent of spirit's contains this alter identity. Many try to deny it, while other's are willingly consumed by it.

For those of us who try to hide it, you know that it is there all the same, whether or not it is visible to the rest of the world. It is there inside all of us, pounding on our soul, aching to be unleashed. For those among us who completely succumb to this side, do it for different reasons. Perhaps, one feels so empty and lonely they feel that this darkness is all that understands them.

For other's this "darkness" may symbolize something the way great art does. Anger, pain, and sorrow may be the epitome of passion, romance, and sensitivity to some. For the rest of us, I believe, that there comes at least one time in your life when you just want to give into it!

A time when we are hungry for that side to run wild and ravenous inside us. This allows us to escape ourselves. Sometimes, for myself, I have an almost definite desire for this pseudo of myself to consume the rest of me. There are times that I want to give into the density of the dark. I trick myself into thinking that there can be security (possibly comfort) on the darker side, in being cold and heartless!

The knowledge that nothing can hurt you or cause you anymore pain, because you are already overwhelmed with it, and because that is all you know, you nearly live for it. It is easy to imagine a life without disappointment.....because there is no hope.........uncertainty.........because everything is clear cut.........and no competition........because there is nothing worth competing with can cause one to want to be drowned in the dark. Sometimes, it can almost appear tractable and appealing.