The Non-Discovery of Australia
By Andrew G. Smallacombe (Guru).
(take note of the numbers in brackets during your reading and reffer to the appendix)

Although Australia is the largest island on earth and contributes a continental land mass in its entity, it remained undiscovered for a considerable length of time. This paper deals with those who did not discover Australia, why, and the implications of their non-discoveries.

The Australian Aborigines were the first people to not discover Australia. There are a number of theories put forward by a number of leading experts as to why this is so. It is generally accepted that the Aborigines failed to discover Australia because they had:-
no guns
no Bibles
no diseases such as the plague, small pox, etc.
no flags
no title deeds
no monarch
Furthermore, current theory is that they may have crossed over from Southeast Asia by a number of land bridges caused by the Ice Age, which would have been cheating, since all discovery had to be done by boat. In addition, the Aborigines are not of European descent, and it is universally accepted that discovery can only be an act of white races.(1) At any rate, this all took place long before the Age of Discovery and therefore can and should be discounted. Therefore Australia remains undiscovered.

The next group of people not to discover Australia were the Dutch, which is somewhat surprising considering the number of times they ran into it on their way to subjugating Java and laying the foundations of apartheid in South Africa. In hindsight, however, this may be rather fortunate(2) since otherwise we would all be Reformed and speaking Dutch. This is why Australia is known as "the Lucky Country".

The Third people not to discover Australia were the Spanish (or Spaniards, as they are sometimes called). The Spanish (or Spaniards) sailed throughout the Pacific Ocean(3), naming almost everywhere they discovered after their saints and conquering South America and the Philippines. Incredibly, by the time they discovered Vanu Atu(4) they had run out of saints. Naming the largest island Espiritus Santo, they returned home to obtain the latest list. Again, this proved fortunate since Australia would have been the next destination, and we might all be Roman Catholic, had the Inquisition, and speak Spanish (or Portuguese, as the Brazilians call it.)

The French (ba^tards!) also did not discover Australia. They sailed around the Atlantic, Pacific and Indian Oceans, carving up an empire in and enslaving the people of Africa, the Middle East, India andIndochina into colonies, thus promoting liberty and equality. This was done to prove French superiority to the nations of the world, despite the fact they couldn't even win a war against England. That they failed to discover Australia meant that we have been (largely) free of quiche, atom bombs and /Chiraq/.(5)

The English were the last people to not discover Australia, in spite of the huge number of fleets sent out to discover it. That so many commissioned explorers somehow managed to miss a land mass of such magnitude may help explain England's demise in the arena of international cricket. England then colonized Australia, sending out fleets of settlers. Traditionally, it was thought that most of the early settlers were undesirable elements of English society, but recent research suggests otherwise.(6)

Finally, Australia was not discovered by Indonesian fishermen, seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty, or Japanese tourists. These people are known to history as Et Cetera.

Appendix::
(1) Other examples include China (discovered by Marco Polo, not the Chinese) and the Americas (discovered by Colombus, not the Indians)
2) Those who doubt the validity of this statement usually change their opinions when their attention is directed to Anita Keating.
3) This was named by the Spanish (or Spaniard) explorer Magellan, who originally intended to name it The Ocean. He was allegedly requested by his first officer to name it more specifically, upon which he renamed it The Specific Ocean.
4) Vanu Atu was not discovered by the Melanesians. See above for reasons.
(5) Chirac (pron. Shi-rack) Fr.= military disaster.
(6) This would explain the presence of whinging poms, soccer hooligans, cockneys, and Take That in England, and their absence in Australia.







* AUSSIE JOKES*

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia? They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

How do you find a virgin in Australia? On her first day to kinder.

A Scotsman, a Cuban, an Aussie and a New Zealander are shipwrecked and end up in the same life-raft. They are floating around waiting to be rescued and the Scotsman pulls out a bottle of Scotch whiskey, takes a couple of gulps and throws it overboard. "What did you do that for?" cry the others in horror. "Och, there's plenty of that where I come from" boasts the Scot. Next the Cuban pulls out a fine Havana cigar, lights it, takes a few puffs and throws it overboard. "Hey, why did you do that?" cry the others. "There's plenty of those where I come from" shrugs the Cuban. The Australian thinks for a moment, then throws the New Zealander overboard...

Why are Australians buried twelve feet deep? Because deep down they are really nice people.

Why do birds fly upside -down over Australia? The sky is more interesting.

Why do Australians never get hemorrhoids? Because they are perfect assholes.

What should you do if you kill an Australian? Bury him folded over and use his bum as a bicycle-stand!

How do you bring up a baby at Ayers Rock? Stick two fingers down the throat of a dingo.

How does an Australian man perform foreplay? Shouts "Brace yerself, sheila!"

What do Australian women put behind their ears to attract Australian men? Their legs.


Come on Australians, pressure the government to say sorry to the Aboriginals.


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