It happens to everyone. No one likes to talk about it. Frankly, it's embarrassing. Admitting to it, to being the victim of an indiscretion, lapse in otherwise sound judgement, could be to suffer a loss of respect. There's nothing to be ashamed of. It's time to come out of the closest. We've all read a bad novel. Or two dozen. Whatever. Same difference, really, they're all the same. What's important is realizing that the latest fare offered on the paperback best-seller list is not good literature. There is more to literature than V.C Andrews, Stephen King, Danielle Steele, whom I personally hate with a passion, Mary Higgins Clark, and Michael Crichton. I feel I can make these claims as I suspect no one really visits my site and gives a toss about my opinions. Well! You don't have to continue reading, but you know you want to.

Bad books can easily be clustered together as they do seem remarkably similar, sharing in the same effect of bad movies - all using the same tired plot line. Bellow are a few examples:

Plot Line One: Spunky heroine meets roguish leading man, fall immediately in love/lust, overcome obvious stereotype differences, and it all works out just in time for the happy ending.

Plot Line Two: A doctor/cop/investigator has always pursued the bad guys and done a good job, but it was just a job, until someone made it personal. Read: 'Kiss the Girl' by James Patterson and every over hack novel involving pop criminal psychology.

Plot Line Three: The amateur wizard/warrior/gifted child unwittingly saves a magical kingdom populated by walking talking dragons, tender maids, good fairies, and chicks in chainmail.

Plot Line Four: A house/toy/child is haunted/possessed in a creepy little town somewhere in the mid-western/New England countryside that is remarkably populated by local yokels who either believe in the curse and add menacing foreshadowing or are sceptical of the whole event and never believe in the curse/possession until they're dead. Lots of gore.

These are the tools unimaginative writers fall prey to. The book starts off rather wittily, a nice comment, something that promises more, but nothing happens, just 300 pages of the main character whining and day dreaming. Read: 'Sophie's Scandal' by Virginia Blackwood. A crap book I had the misfortune of purchasing.

How can you tell if the book you hold innocently in your hand will turn on you and only bring heartache and misfortune to your life? It's not always easy. There's no advisory warning label on the front, 'Warning: contents may insult your intelligence.' And certainly no one will tell you if it sucks outright: they don't want to admit to having read it. Again with the embarrassment.

Here is a real example. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I read 'Primary Colours.' Difficult to admit but true. I along with practically everyone else in the nation read a poorly veiled 'anonymous' parody 'based on true events' about a fictitious presidential candidate who bore remarkable resemblance to President Clinton. I couldn't finish it, it was just that bad. Fragmented sentences. Participles that were dangling about the place as if there were no grammar check on the PC. A horrible waste of paper and Emma Thompson's talent. (How could she do the movie version?)

What was wrong with this book? Well, economically, nothing. It sold. It filled a need in the market and people ate it up with a spoon. Aesthetically, everything. The fact that this anonymous bloke felt that he could rely on smutty innuendo and close parallels to real life events to cover up the fact that he was only a second rate journalist is revolting. And he got away with it! That's the kick in the ass.

Sometimes, pitfalls can be avoided. The following is a list of clues: whatever is recommended by People magazine, on the best-seller cart, and seen to be in the large quantities (i.e., the book store has 300 copies in stock but has only sold 5.) An obvious clues.

Subtle clues are the blurb on the back of the book. Does it sum up the plot or talk about how 'exciting this new effort of a much loved author' is? Don't buy it.

Good books never rely on the reputation of an author to sell. Good books will always find their audience, via many diverse methods. Sometimes they just fall off the shelf and hit you on the top of the head. (This really happened to me. Joyce Carol Oates, 'Foxfire.' Bloody brilliant book.) Another method that does not involve aspirin is this, and it's surprisingly simple: ask. Ask the friendly cashier behind the counter. She knows. She's in the store all day long. She's just dying to have someone else read this book by a fairly obscure British author that no one's heard about but the book is absolutely fabulous…Just ask. She's itching to share.

Another tell-tale marker of the bad book is the quantity of other books the author has. Example: Danielle Steele. She has a new book out every three months like clockwork. Why? Because she puts as much care and concern into their craft as the lunch lady did when she slopped a glob of mashed potatoes onto your plate today in the cafeteria. No skill. No craft. The titles of her books reflect this: The Ranch, The Ghost, Special Delivery, Malice, Silent Honour, yada yada yada.. Zero creativity.

Take Martin Amis…He's written a number of books over a career of 30 years. About every 3-4 years, he has something new. Or JD Salinger: the man has a handful of books but everyone of them is a masterpiece. Dean Koontz? The shelf is packed, a new title comes out every winter. Skip it.

Bad books are what everyone else is reading. 'Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus.' Please. Do we need a book to tell us that guys think differently from women? How stupid is the average reader?

I won't dignify that with an answer.

Not all books that make it to the best-seller lists are a waste of perfectly good trees. There are exceptions. 'Angela's Ashes' by Frank McCourt. Brilliant book. 'Song of Solomon' by Tony Morrison. But for every jewel, another Tom Clancy hits the top ten. It's insane.

Occasionally there is the truly terrible book that makes one ponder 'How did that even it published? Was the editor out to ruin the publisher?' Sometimes I think it is a serious question.

Bright points do exist. For every 'Sophie's Scandal' there is a 'Sophie's World'. Seek and you shall find. All you need is a discerning eye and proper scepticism of anything you've heard talked about on the television or the radio. If all else fails, ask the girl who works at the bookstore. I'd be happy to recommend a book.