Corporate Humor

The power to laugh   .

Corporate Environment

You know you work in corporate Structure in the new millennium if ...

1. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

2. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

3. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes, e-mails from your friends and your MBA assignments.

4. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

5. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are more than the total loss of the company.

6. Increase of Rs 1000/- per month in your salary cause an increase of Rs 2000/- per month in income tax.

7. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

8. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

9. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

10. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

11. Your relatives and family describe your job as "work with computers."

12. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.

13. You read this entire list and understood it.        Corporate Culture   You've Been in Corporate Culture Too Long When.....

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. 2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." 3. You refer to dating as test marketing. 4. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down- sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses." 5. You actually know what are covenants. 6. You understand your company?s schedule of charges. 7. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. 8. Your Greeting cards have bullet points. 9. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review. 10. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." 11. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. 12. You prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." 13. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. 14. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." 15. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO." 16. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. 17. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.  18. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a monitor and Internet connection.

Corporate Mantras

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 2. It's only unethical if you get caught. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts 4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 5. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 6. We put the "k" in "kwality" 7. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity 8. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 9. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. 10. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 11. Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?" 12. If at first you don't succeed - try management. 13. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 14. Never quit until you have another job. 15. TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

SENIOR CORPORATE OFFICER'S QUERIES/REVIEW OF WRITE-UPs.

Query: How many feet do mice have? Original reply: Mice have four feet. SCO?s Comment:  Elaborate! Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. SCO?s Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage! Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail. SCO?s Comment: What? Feet with no legs? Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse. SCO?s Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. SCO?s Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue! Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. SCO?s Comment: Descriptive? Yes. But not in accordance with CPM (Corporate Policy Manual) Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted, as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. SCO?s Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity! Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.

SCO?s Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY THE HIGHER MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.        (The Bean Counter Theory of Business Operation) By Gary L. Zaher (glz@avana.net) 1. Define a mission statement, post it, ignore it. 2. Develop a Three Year Business Plan that pleases all capital investors; Print it, distribute it, forget it. 3. Manage by Numbers: a. Experience costs money... we don't need it. b. Pride in workmanship takes time... we can't spare it. c. Employee loyalty requires respect... we don't have any. d. Product testing costs money... let the customer do it. 4. New technology is the answer to everything (spend money here). 5. Management knows nothing about new technology. Therefore, every employee must know everything about new technology. (No instruction or training required). 6. Make it first; Worry about whether it's right or not later. 7. Motivate by fear. 8. If the process has a flaw... ignore it; the flaw may correct itself or disappear. 13. If the process continues to exhibit a flaw... make a drastic change. (No organization or planning required). 14. Define large, long-term management bonuses based on short-term profits. 15. Live happily ever after.

Corporate Steering Committee

Once upon a time, a U.S. energy company and a Japanese energy company had a boat race. The Japanese company won by a mile. The U.S. team became discouraged by the loss and morale sagged. The Corporate Steering Committee decided that a reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and set up a Continuous Measurement Improvement Team of Executives (CoMITEe) to investigate the problem. The conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the U.S. team had one person rowing and eight people steering. The Corporate Steering Committee, wanting an unbiased view, immediately hired a consulting firm expert in marketing refrigerators in Greenland to study the management structure. After a 10-month study and $10 million, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese the next year, the consulting firm recommended a change in the management structure to four Steering Managers, three Regional Steering Managers, and one Group Steering Executive. A new performance system was created for the person rowing the boat as incentive for working harder. "We must give him decision-making authority and enrichment," the consultant said, and the package was implemented. The Japanese team won by two miles. On further recommendation of the consulting firm, following another 10-month, $10-million study, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Prison vs. Corporate Treasury

This was received in e-mail 8/20/98. Whether the sender was the originator I do not know.

PRISON

CORPORATE TREASURY

You spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

You get three meals a day.

You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

You get time off for good behavior

You get rewarded for good behavior with more work

You can watch TV and play games

You get fired for watching TV and playing games

All expenses are paid by tax payers with no work required

You get to pay all the expenses to go to corporate treasury and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

They allow your family and friends to visit

You can't even speak to your family and friends

You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out

You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars

You can join many programs, which you can leave at any time

There are some programs you can never get out of

A guard stands outside the premises

Two guards sit inside & two outside the premises

In prison, you often get your own toilet, eating & drinking places

In corporate treasury you have a multipurpose toilet

Corporate Chartered Accountant

A multinational CEO was interviewing applicants for the position of Director Finance. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question,

"What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was an MBA . His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an M.Com & statistician. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was M.A. Mathematics & LLB. He stated that in most of the cases two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was a chartered accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

The Balloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology,? says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Sick Leave Policy

TO: ALL CORPORATE EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

*SICKNESS                   No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as          proof.  We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to          come to work.

* AN OPERATION:                   We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any          thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are          an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not          consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have          anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:

*Other than your own.                   This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do          for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements.          However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad          to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1          hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job          going in your absence.

*Your own:              This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two          weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO              Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the          future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For          instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on.          If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the          next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

THE MANAGEMENT

EARLY RETIREMENT OF AGED EMPLOYEES

Subject: Corporate Memo

TO: All Employees

FROM: The President

SUBJECT: Early Retirement

As a result of the IMF instructions passed on to us last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.

The program to phase out the older personnel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Corporate Management deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, s/he will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel for Early Severence). Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.

The Province of Ontario wishes to assure the younger employees who remain that management will continue its policy that employees will continue to be well trained through the SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) Program. This government takes pride in the amount of SHIT our people receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other provincial government in Canada, probably North America, and likely the World. If any employee feels that s/he does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can handle.

Thank You.

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