Tom's Clean Joke Page!

Categories

Welcome to Tom's Animal Joke page.

Ten Dog Rules 1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the
humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only!
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

The first little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" The bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" The bar man told him it was straight ahead. Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" The bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" The bar man said straight ahead. The third little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said, "Okay." Then the bar man said, "I suppose you want to use the toilet?" But the third little pig replied, "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender, "You got any fish?" The bartender replies, "No, this is a bar and we don't sell fish," so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we don't sell fish!" The following day the duck returns and says, "You got any fish?" The bartender loses it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE DON'T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!" The next day, the duck goes into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"

This man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartenders says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy doesn't miss a beat. "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man," the bartenders says, "I'm sorry. Here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartenders says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies, "WHAT?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam' ". The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!!!"

   A burglar broke into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
   He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
   This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
   The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."
   The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
   "Moses."
   "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
   The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

You're the

person to visit this page since 11/9/00.

Click here to go back to my home page.