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I must confess, that I faked a sneeze just to get blessed. It required some adjustments, but there were similarities as well. One very important similarity was a commitment to improving education. In fact the governor of Alabama at the end of his term first bragged about the fact that, during his administration, scores improved by almost 10 points! Unfortunately, they weren’t test scores, they were football scores! It was an inexplicable rash of bad defense. But it was enough to get him re-elected! ********** But the strangest dude that I met over there was a guy who heard about all them things you could take to make your penis bigger, and he bought every damn one of ‘em! As he started taking all that stuff, his penis started getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until finally the two of them had to be surgically separated! Well, I’m glad to be able to tell you that they are doing okay. The dude, he's still in the hospital; they’ve got him cathetherized and they’re having to teach him how to walk all over again. But the penis, shoot! he's doing real good! In fact, he’s got his own show on FOX cable. I'll bet you've seen that thing--The O’Reily Factor. Like I mentioned, I taught school for almost 30 years. The school where I taught had a whole bunch of them special education students. But I was unique because I was a special education teacher! I wore one of them funky little helmets--went around blowing snot bubbles out my nose--foaming at the mouth, with saliva dripping from my chin. I hate to admit it but I still do some of that stuff. I recently started doing ebay. Not only is it a lot of fun, but if you know what you’re doing you can get some really bargains on ebay, because there are some people there that do not realize the value of their stuff! For example, just last week I bought the lighter that Sherman used to burn Atlanta for only $50! $50! Can you believe it? Green BIC still in working condition! The week before that I bought a painting called The Last Breakfast. It's a painting of Jesus and the apostles eating breakfast burritos at the Jerusalem Mickey-D’s. It is the only painting in the world to document the friendship between Jesus and Ronald McDonald the Hamburger Apostle. There are a lot of things in this world that I do not understand; and one of them is that I do not understand the use of the word “fuck” as a profane word. I do understand all the rest of ‘em! You got your “damn,” meaning destruction. Most willful destruction is a bad thing. You got your “shit,” which is held in negative esteem by most people; except for good shit, and that is endangered feces. You got your “hell,” that is a place of eternal damnation and home to the boogie man! But “fuck“ is different from all of these because fucking is fun! I'll be honest with you people; I really like to fuck. And that's a little unusual ‘cause usually I only like things I'm good at! Because of this, if a woman chooses to fuck me, I will give her a certificate of authenticity! That way if down the line her memory goes fuzzy, she can pull out her certificate of authenticity and read it and say, "yes! Yes! I did fuck that guy! Here is my certificate of authenticity! According to J.D. Power and Associates, 93% of American adults report that they like to fuck. There are a whole bunch of fuckers out there! Another thing that I do not understand is the use of the word “fuck” as a modifier, such as an adjective or an adverb. If you use fuck as a modifier in a sentence or series of sentences containing alliteration, it makes it very difficult to say. Try this one: Peter fuckin' Piper picked a peck of fuckin' pickled peppers. A peck of fuckin' pickled peppers Peter fuckin' Piper fucking picked. If Peter fuckin' Piper picked a peck of fuckin' pickled peppers, where is the fuckin' peck of pickled fuckin' peppers Peter fuckin' Piper fuckin' picked? Or this one: How much fuckin' wood could a wood fuckin' chuck chuck, if a fuckin' wood chuck could chuck fuckin' wood? If you use “fuck” as a modifier in the ordinary phrase, it will often confuse the meaning. Like: “To fuckin' be or not fuckin' be; that is the fuckin' question.” Well, no it ain’t! That is not a fuckin' question at all. It does not end with a fuckin' question mark! “Read my fuckin' lips! No new fuckin' taxes!” Well, you know that’s all wrong, because if they had fuckin' taxes, Wilt Chamberlain would have died fuckin' broke. “That’s one small fuckin' step for man, but one giant ass fuckin' leap for man- fuckin'-kind.” Let me tell you something! If you’re taking fuckin' steps, and making fuckin' leaps, then you’re fuckin' all wrong! You need some fuckin' lessons! You need a fuckin' tutor! You need to go to fuckin' school! Fuckin' School! Now that would be the business to be in—-have your own fuckin' school! You could be the fuckin' principal. You’d get to hire all the fuckin' teachers. You could have a fuckin' football team, fuckin' cheerleaders, fuckin' coach! Now that’s the job I want; I want to be the fuckin' coach! People would come up and say, "Excuse me buddy, what do you do for a living, and I’d tell ‘em, "Oh, I'm da fuckin' coach. And they ask "You won any state fuckin' championships? You had any All Fuckin' Americans? Any Honorable Fuckin' Mentions?" I think that the group of people who object most strongly to the use of the word “fuck” as a modifier would have to be your English teachers. I mean, they got their rigid set of rules and that doesn't fit in. And besides, how would the conjugate the verb to fuckin’ fuck? I be fuckin’ fuckin’, you be fuckin’ fuckin’, he, she, they be fuckin’ fuckin’? I don’t fucking think so! Being from the south in the buckle of the Bible Belt, religion has always been a really important part of my life. In fact, up until just a few years ago I had always attended the same church-—The First Vegetarian Church of New Orleans. Now, that was a good congregation! A really good place to worship! Then one day we discovered that there was another First Vegetarian Church over in Slidell. Now to be honest we didn’t know which one was really first. But people started arguing; before you knew it they were fighting! All this lead to pew-clearing brawls, bombings and drive-by shootings; so I got out of that church and affiliated with the Ninth Vegetarian Church over in Hammond, Louisiana! Once again this was another fine congregation—another really good place to worship. But then one day, lo and behold, we discovered there was another Ninth Vegetarian Church over in Baton Rouge! About this time I met up with a charismatic evangelist who changed my life. He converted me to his church. And, I have been very happy with my association there. So happy in fact that I was inspired to write this poem about our preacher and our church. I hope you like it. His parents musta been some kinda sick. They named him Penis, but they called him Dick. He had to be a man of God; other prospects looked rather slim. God was the only person who didn’t laugh at him. He started a combination Church and grocery store-- where you can pray and buy dinner. He called it Save-A-Sinner. Every Sunday morning he reminds us that we are loved by the man upstairs. And that when we die we’ll do commercials like John Wayne and Fred Astair. We wear strips of plastic bubble wrap and we pop them as we pray. And to show our faith, we handle rubber snakes. yell, “Praise the Lord!” and “Pass the plate!" Last Sunday morning Reverend Dick shouted, “I see a revelation in this pop up video!” I said, “Hey, hold on a minute there, Dick; it better not be about that being born again stuff, ‘cause if it is you know I’m gonna have to pass. My mom said she would kick my ass! And don’t tell me, my reverend, my friend, that you’re starting up the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program again!” “No,” he said. “It’s something else-- something far more thrillin’!” He said he heard the voice of God and he sounded like Bob Dylan! “Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not cop a feel on a Ferris Wheel. Thou shalt not frown at the jugglers and the clowns when they refuse to put the toilet seat down. Thou shalt not lie too much. Thou shalt not be a warrior, 'cause if you’re bad in this life you might come back as a lawyer. Thou shalt not pull out in front of others as you go, even if you are in a hurry to go slow. If the baby got colic don't let it linger, ever so gently pull the baby's finger. Don’t beg, don’t borrow, don’t panhandle. You don’t need the Weather Channel to tell you when to wear flannel! Jeopardy answer and questions I’d like to see: A: Billy the old goat Q: What do you think they woulda called Billy the Kid if he's lived to be 80? A: Being with two legs Q: What is my dog’s sexual fantasy? A. Legalized fireworks Q. Why has there been a decrease in the number of six fingered children in Alabama? A: Swap guns for grades Q: How can we get guns off the street, and improve the grades of America’s school children? A: You must be 18 years of age and a Christian. Q: What are the qualifications for entering the adult Christian book store? A: Give the job to the lucky person who is the seventh one to call. Q: What is the ultimate answer to presidential campaign finance reform? A: You have flying saucers in your home. Q: Why are there crop circles on my Chia Pet? A: St. John’s wort Q: What do you get if you touch a St. John’s frog? A: Phillips screw driver Q: What do you get if you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia? A: Milk of Amnesia Q: What do you get if you are milking a cow and get kicked in the head? A: A good place to go for fun in the sun, and a spiffy new blender. Q: What is Hamilton Beach? A: Illegal alien Q: What do you call a 14 year old Martian girl? A: Cock and bull vs. cock and bull Q: What do you call a tag team cock and bull fight? A: A device which will assist you in the discovery of oil Q: What is a dip stick? A: Pussy foot Q: Name a condition much more serious than tennis elbow. A: Golf balls Q: Name a condition much more painful than pussy foot. A: Something near to everyone’s heart. Q: What are lungs? A: You boil the hell out of it. Q: How do you make holy water? A: Chicken fried greyhound and fricasseed cheetah Q: Name two really fast foods. The other day I tried saying something tongue in cheek, but no one could understand me and my tongue started bleeding. Some things people say confuse me. Like I understand that raining on my parade is a bad thing. But cooking my goose? I mean I would not want to eat raw goose. And fixing my wagon? I would prefer to have a fully functioning wagon. And measurements—12 inches in a foot. Sure, that's length. But what about width? That would have to be five toes, right? But what is the standardized dimension of a toe? At a wedding a while back a toast was given to the bride and groom. The toast master said, "...and we wish them all the happiness in the world." And I said, "Wait just a goddamn minute!" Six billion sad, dejected, depressed, subdued, people; and only one couple giggling their silly asses off!" How about just 'happpiness?' Spread the wealth!" |
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