1. *I saw an Arkansas porno flick a while back, and this dude was fuckin' this chick and he was spanking her and yelling, "Who's your cousin? Who is yo cousin?!!!"
2. *In court lawyers will often say to a witness, "In your own words tell us what you saw on the night of February 31, 2008." cat-stravas octomar inkajolis gargoli-Q 3. I hate going to funerals. I’m not a mourning person. 4. I wanted to go to New York, but they told me I had to catch a plane. I’m just not that fast. 5. *You often see signs on the windows of stores saying, "Help Wanted--Apply Within!" Have they been having problems with people applying in the parking lot, or at the drive-thru window? Maybe they apply at in the parking lot so the door won't hit 'em in the butt! 6. *My son likes all the new high tech stuff, especially high tech tools. So for his birthday I got him a cordless monkey wrench. That is one very cool tool! 7. *I bought a Snickers the other day; it cost $5.00. But it came with a digital camera in the nugget. How cool is that? Snickers! You don't even have to ask 'em to smile 'cause they already snickering! 8. My neighbor came over the other day and said he had become a born again christian. And he was here to love his neighbor as himself. I kicked his ass out the door cause I thought he was wantin’ to jerk me off. 9. *Other day I went to an internet porn bar and got a lap top dance. 10. *I got my name in the Guiness Book of Records for swimming the Travel Channel. Next I plan on swimming the History Channel, but not during shark week. 11. *I got thrown in jail for being legally drunk. But if I was legally drunk, why did they throw me in jail? Now if I had been illegally drunk, that’s another matter altogether. Legally blind? I hate to be caught being illegally blind. “Hey! You’re stupid!” I know, but I’m legally stupid, so go away. 12. Adam v. God: So you put that apple tree right in the middle of the Garden of Eden, and told him not to eat them apples. Sounds like entrapment to me. 13. No Holds Barred! I think some holds should be barred. 14. *Saw a news article the other day that said that no motorcyclist had ever been killed because of the limited visibility of a helmet. How do they know this? Excuse me Mr. dead dude, but did you die cause your helmet limited your visibility? “No.” Well thanks. You can go back to being dead now. 15. Something I’d like to see added to the Olympics is synchronized dog fucking. 16. Speaking of the Olympics, buddy of mine developed athlete’s foot. He set the Olympic record for the 100 meter hop. 17. John Denver once said, “sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.” I wish it was that easy. For me it’s morphine in my coffee. 18. *Have you noticed that more and more car dealers are selling Certified Used Cars. One dealer calls them Certified Preowned Cars. I was out car shopping the other day and I asked “is was a certified used car? I wouldn’t want you to sneak in a new one on. Run up the mileage on the odometer. Does it have that used car smell? 19. *That’s hard to say.” You hear that all the time, but usually it is not hard to say at all. Now, Sphygnmomanometer, supercalifragilicexpealadochues, gargoli q selgestaweed, b crolla chi, neurofibrometosis., antidisinstableshmententeriorism, *Abba fuckin’ dabba fuckin’ doo. (add to fuckin’) 20. I got thrown out of church for singing. The preacher stop in the middle of a hymn and asked if I was passing a kidney stone? Then he said, don’t letith the doorith hittith thee in thy buttith. 21. Faster than a speeding bullet. What is the speed limit for bullets? How did they know the bullet was speeding? What is the fine for a speeding bullet? And how you catch a speeding bullet? You probably have to wait until it hits something. “excuse me buddy, I need to take that bullet from your head and issue it a citation. Then you can have it back.. *****You boil the hell out of it. How do you make holy water? 22. What da hell are flying colors? We have green landing on runway 3. Yellow, you are clear for takeoff. Blue crashed over Kentucky today killing orange and purple. Guess that’s why they called him the Red Barron. The blue skies. Red sky in the morn. Blue Moon. White clouds. I think I answered my own question. 23. Some hacker stole my identity. Week later they repossessed his car and he had to file bankruptcy. 24. Applied for a job at State Farm. They asked me my qualifications, and I said I could drive a tractor and milk cows. I start tomorrow. *****Buddy of mine’s dog chewed all the hair out of his daughter’s Barbie. He sold it on ebay as Chemo Barbie. 25. I was talking with a dude at the dog park, when we saw a dog licking his balls. Man said, “I wish I could do that.” I told him he probably could if he petted him first. Maybe give him a treat. *******A: The perfect stocking stuffer Q: What are feet? 26. Why do people say they’re taking a shit? Why do people say they don’t give a shit? Who are these people? If people are taking a shit, but no one is giving a shit, then the people who are taking a shit are actually stealing a shit. This is wrong. 27. I got accepted to medical school as a cadaver. 28. Teen pregnancy? Sure we got plenty, but it drops off sharply when they turn 20. But adult pregnancy— as long as they can get laid, goes on and on for several decades. 29. I have a pickup truck, so I have to be selective about my friends. They have to sign an affidavit promising not to move for the next 25 years. And they can’t buy anything at Lowe’s unless it weighs less than 20 pounds. 30. The other day my phone rang, and I answered it and this dude said, “who is this.” I thought foe a minutes then asked, “Is this Billy?” He said, “no.” Then I asked, “is this Jack?” He said, “No.” Then I asked, “Is this Mark?” He said, “No.’ Then he said, “I must have the wrong number.” I said, “yeah, but it’s a shame cause if we knew each other we could reminisce.” 31. Christmas is still 6 months away, but I’m thinking smart this year. I’ve already put some stuff on lay-a-way at the Dollar Tree. Speaking of the Dollar Tree, I applied for a job there as a price checker. “Price check, register three.” “Uh, that’s a dollar!” 32. I’d like to talk about something close to my heart, my lungs. 33. I will now say something tongue-in-cheek: 34. Technology has taken over at the suicide hotline. “If you are thinking of killing yourself today, press one.” “If you are thinking of killing yourself this week, press two.” |