PROZAC KILLED THE POET




Michel Breznikoff offered me a job
Doing ballet parking.
But I am a gothic finger painter,
And a personal pottie trainer--
Captain of a cordless drill team--
An afterlife insurance salesman--
I'm humble; and damn proud of it!

Would you like for me to give you a psychic breast reading?
Ah, I see that you dislike evil!
I see that you have very nice breasts!
Care to stick a pin into my Cabbage-Patch Voo Doo doll?

Swapping guns for grades
Will get guns off the streets,
But only at the end
Of each Nine weeks.

I gave Viagra to my turtle
Under the assumption
That he might be suffering
From a reptile dysfunction!

You wanta be a teacher?
Then throw that chain letter away!
Do you aspire to own 
A haunted mobile home
In a distinctive, gated, 
Mobile home community?

I went looking for oil;
I wanted to get rich quick.
But all I discovered
Was the dip stick.

Stove-Top instead of potatoes.
Apples and oranges are fruits.
They make butter the old fashioned way;
They churn it!

It says in the Bible,
At least once or twice,
There will be no farting
In the afterlife.

Calvin sans Hobbes?
I don't know what he's got;
But that once sweet little boy
Surely does pee a lot!

And I heard he stole some cigarettes.
They caught him with pack in hand.
They charged with theft;
Not petty, but grand.

I wanted to be cool;
I wanted to be hip.
I had my hemorrhoids pierced!
I played piano by ear
Until my ears started bleeding.

I went to Walmart.
Late last night,
And was hit on the head
By a falling price.

Life lost it's meaning;
It was boredom I was facing.
So I took up a hobby--
Rental car racing.
And I was never afraid
Because of my personal relationship with God.

*****

I had a near-life experience,
Then an angel said, "HARK!
Turn your ass around
And go back to the dark!
But more mysterious yet
Are the crop circles on my chia pet.

My Book of the Month arrived:
Quantum Mechanics For Dummies!
Catchy little title.
But I think I'll read the Cliff Notes,
Like I did with the Bible.

We interrupt this program to bring you
The second coming of Christ. 
Set the VRC;
You might wanta see this twice!

If Billy the Kid,
Had been lucky abd smart,
He might have become
Billy the Old Fart.

And Alexander the Great,
With an injury to the head,
Could have become
Alexander the Special Ed.

His parents musta been
Sick sick, sick!
They named him Penis
But they called him Dick.
He had to be a man of god;
Other prospects looked rather slim;
God was the only person 
Who didn't laugh at him.

He started a combination
Church and grocery store,
Where you could pray and buy dinner.
He called it Sav-A-Sinner.
Every Sunday morning he told us that
We were loved by the man upstairs.
And that when we died we'd do commercials
Like John Wayne and Fred Astair.
We wore strips of plastic bubble wrap
And we popped them as we prayed.
And in a show of faith
We handle rubber snakes.
Yell: "Praise the lord!"
And, "Pass the plate!" 

Reverend Dick shouted,
"I saw a revelation
In a pop up video!"
I said, "No Dick, I can't be born again;
I'm gonna have to pass!
My mom said that she
Would kick my ass!
And don't even tell me,
My reverend, my friend,
That your starting up the Jehovah's Witness
Protection Program again!"
"No," he said; "It's something else;
Something far more thrillin'."
He said he heard the voice of god
And it sounded like Bob Dylan!

"Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not cop a feel
On a Ferris Wheel.

Thou shalt not frown
At the jugglers and the clowns
When they forget to put
The toilet seat down.

Thou shalt not lie too much.
Thou shalt not be a warrior.
Cause if you're bad in this life
You might come back as a lawyer.

Thou shalt not pull out
In front of others as you go.
Even if you are
In a hurry to go slow.

If the baby got colic
Don't let it linger.
Ever so gently
Pull the baby's finger.

Don't beg; don't borrow;
Don't panhandle.
You don't need the weather channel
To tell you when to wear flannel!


Ring, Ring! Ring, Ring!
It happens,
As sure as a dial tone.
Even if you're nappin',
Everybody must get phoned!"

Well, they'll phone ya to try to make you richer.
And they'll phone ya wantin' to take your picture.
They'll phone ya to make for you a loan.
Then they'll phone ya about siding for your home.
But I would not feel so all alone;
Everybody must get phoned!

Well, they'll phone ya about your long distance plan.
They'll phone ya just to tell you, "You da man!"
They'll phone ya as a courtesy to you.
They'll phone ya 'bout credit card, preapproved.
But I would not feel so all alone;
Everybody must get phoned!

They'll phone you when you're trying to have coitus.
They phone ya just to ask "Do you need us?"
They'll phone ya when you're tryin' to bath your dog.
They'll phone ya when you're riding on your hawg.
But I would not feel so all alone;
Everybody must get phoned!"

It was a beautiful morning;
Perfect for a walk at the lakefront.
The lake was so clear.
I could almost read the labels
On the bottles of beer.

Uh oh! Here comes someone.
I could avoid them by walking next to the seawall.
Or I could smile and say, "Good morning."
The world would be so much better 
If I didn't have to share it with other people.

"Good morning!
Do you Yahoo?"
"I might, if you do."
"You can be anything you wanta be in a chat room."
"My name is Bambi and I would like to be your deer friend."
"I won the Nobel Prize for Conjugation;

"I have Windows 2000!"
"Oh yeah?  I have Windows 2001!"
"I own a 357!  Wow!  What a gun!"
"Well, I just bought a 358!"
"And a can of WD-41!"

"You have really bad posture,
But really nice hooters!
Want me to be your posture tutor?
Is that your final answer?
Wait!  Come back!
I didn't tell you yet
About the crop circles
On my Chia Pet!"

*****


In youth we build beliefs;
We build them so grand.
Our mind constructs boulders
From grains of sand.

Then, in maturity, 
Wisdom we gain,
As we reduce our boulders 
Back into grains.

And we scribble a few lines
In the sands of time,
In celebration and in mourning--
Sign posts of joy and of warning.

But enter the chemical grin
Which separates hand from pen!
It courses our veins
Vanquishing our pain.

Goodbye, oh truthful friend.
The cold has turned to warm.
Whole is that which once was torn.
The poet is dead, 
But not in the ground;
And silent is the sound
Of the call.
For the poet will not
Be missed at all.