Screwing Around With Archimedes



Whatsup, Archimedes?
It's direction that I need;
cause there are more ways to fail
than to succeed.

And more lies than truth.
but since truth is so often 
confused with conclusion,
we even the score 
with delusion.

When life is a drag and you're just getting by,
You can brighten it up if you lie.
Tell them you do when you don't.
Tell them you will when you won't.
Tell them you did when you didn't.
Tell them it is when it isn't.
Tell them you can when you can't.
Tell them you are when you ain't.
Tell them anything but what's real;
It will improve the way that you feel.

Have you ever considered
The reasons why
We shun the truth
And tell a lie?


Number one on the list,
This will burst no bubble,
We lie to keep
Ourselves out of trouble.


We lie out of necessity;
We lie out of greed.
We lie to get
What we want and need.


We lie to be kind,
When we use tact
To protect another
From an unpleasant fact.


We lie to aggress;
We do it as tricks.
Lies can really get others
Into a fix.


But the saddest of lies
Would have to be
Those that we tell
From of inferiority.


For these reflect the pain
That we're not up to snuff;
And that what we are
Is just not good enough.


So that the traits
Of which we boast,
We do not have
But want the most.


And the traits for which
Words are forbidden,
These we have
But wish we didn't.



Basically, things were going horribly wrong!
But I owe my survival
To Saint Butch, the patron saint
Of the designated drunk driver.
Exactly! Absolutely!


I bought a metal detector;
Was worth every buck.
I found two mobile homes
And a pickup truck.

My dogs talk in their sleep;
They tell very wild stories,
About chasing rabbits and squirrels,
And acts of heroism and glory.

Even though these stories are not true,
I don't wake them, this is why:
My philosophy has always been
To let sleeping dogs lie.


Settle down, children!
Enough is enough!
If you don't behave,
I'll teach you wrong stuff.


Today we will learn
The parts of a cell.
There will be a test,
So learn them well.


The cell wall is more dense
Than is the cell fence.
And the nucleus is the home
Of the cell phone.
Used to call the liver
For it to deliver 
A six pack of glucose
and a mint for my pillow.


Archimedes was the dude
Who invented the screw,
He carried em around in his pocket;
And to each pretty woman met,
after he'd say "howdy do,"
He'd say, "Hey baby; wanta screw?"

And in all the ladies rooms,
Written in every stall:
"For a good screw,
Give Archimedes a call!
555-789 10."


Hey Dawg,
Did I ever tell you how ole Ben
Discovered electricity?
One night he be trippin'--
Puffing on a blunt
When he realized he was outa cigarettes.
"Big deal," he said. Belting out a hack.
"I'll go to the store
And buy a new pack."

He picked up his keys,
And headed to the door,
Tripped on beer can
And fell to the floor.


It was then he knew that he shoulda
Put the keys in his pocket,
Cause one of them got stuck 
In the electric socket.


Guess u could call it 
Serendipity;
But that's how Ben
Discovered electricity.

"The kite?" you ask;
Maybe some other time;
But that was flubber,
And Albert Einstein."



You're gonna have to get cultured
sooner or later.
I suggest that you watch
Masterbaiter Theatre.

Are you 18?
Are you a Christian?
Then you may enter
the Adult Christian Book Store.

John the Baptist was an holy dude,
but John the Methodist coulda been da man;
but he fell in a hole
in the holy land!

Punished for clubbing navy seals.
he lived out his life in disrepute
as a men's room consultant
in area 52.


If you are ever in the mood
to eat some fast food,
then you just gotta eata
fried greyhound 
or a fricassed cheeta.
Yum!  Yum!

All of you could be better students
if you worked harder,
and if you were
smarter.

How did human life begin?
Some may be leary;
but I subscribe to
the big gang bang theory.

What makes me qualified
to be teaching you?
I got my GED 
from Vacation Bible School.
Then I had the misfortune and gall
to be the seventh one to call.
Damn the luck!


No!  Wrong again!
You're ignant and demented!
It was the fordy ounce
that Henry Ford invented.



The honest man
Is often wrought
With the fear
Of getting caught.
For even the most
Honest of men
Are dishonest
Now and then.


I just didn't give a shit.
I thought I must be depressed.
I went to a psychiatrist
he gave me some tests.

And session after session
he probed my mind and wit.
He decided I wasn't depressed;
I just didn't give a shit.


Ah, my love, I must confess.  
after orgasm I love you less.  
and now,my love, 
I have been thinking.  
I love you more when i've been drinking.


I'd love to go out with you 
for a movie and a bite, 
but i'm defragging 
my hard drive tonight.

you were more than just a piece of ass, 
so i spray painted your name on the overpass.


Sex with me is great;
I think you will agree.
It comes with a certificate
of authentcity.

But if you don't agree
that this is a fact,
feel fre to give
my money back.

"Screw You!"
Archimedes said?
to his friend, ole phillips head!
"Triangles are for the birds!"
That man surely had
a way with words.



Back to the Weapon of Poetry