Thoughts on Thinking

"I think; therefore I am."
Rene Descarte expressed.
So if we are not thinking,
Then we don't exist.

If the census were taken
By Descarte's delineation,
The world would be in a state
Of under-population.

I bought some fat burner pills;
But I took too many.
Children roasted marshmallows over my ass,
Which is now quite charred and skinny.

It is a small world;
This is true and we know it.
But I'd hate to be the one
Who had to mow it.


If Jim Bowie had not died
And left us quite so soon,
There would have been a Bowie Knife,
And a fork and spoon.


Ronald McDonald, the hamburger clown
couldn't get me to whoof a burger down.
Mayor McCheese and Hamburglar who steals
couldn't sell me a happy meal.

I resisted all the cute character glut,
but i fell for McDonna, the hamburger slut.


"Into each life some rain must fall,"
Said Henry Wadsworth Longfellow;
A man who obviously never owned
The device we call an umbrella.


A thought occurred to me which has great appeal;
I can get something for nothing if I steal.
And to think that I was once so dense
That I paid for things with dollars and cents.
Stealing rules!  Without doubt.
I just hope those poor, stupid, honest people
Never find this out. 



There were times,
I must confess,
That I faked a sneeze
Just to get blessed.



I went to buy a sweater.
The size? What the heck!
I'm only gonna wear it
Tied around my neck.



My dog likes to kiss me.
She is the sweetest little mutt!
But I make her wait an hour
After licking her butt.



There is little difference
On the surface of it,
Between forgiveness
And not giving a shit.



"Til death do us part
Would be more truthful
If more people died
When they were youthful.



Instead of electing a president,
We should open it up for all,
And give the job to the lucky person
Who is the seventh one to call.



The smartest people
In the world must be
Those who always
Agree with me.
And each time they concur
With what I construe,
They get even better
Looking too!



My life was all the stuff
That happened to me
While I was busy dreaming
What I wanted it to be.
And now that so much
Of my life is gone,
I wish I'd paid attention
To what was going on.



Weekends are good
Until Sunday afternoon.
For it is then that I realize
It will be over soon.

And Monday will surely come
And show its ugly butt,
And for five days
I'll be stuck in a rut.

But the enjoyment of my Sunday
Would certainly extend,
If the lottery drawing were held
Sunday night at ten.

Then I could enjoy
This final day of rest,
Until 10:01,
Then I'd get depressed.


Bowlers understand each other,
They don't criticize or accuse.
Because they're always walking
In other bowler's shoes.


The good--the bad,
We total and divide;
Based on this we decide
If something is good
Or if it is bad.
Will it make us happy?
Or will it make us sad?



So when bad things happen,
that bring on a frown,
Remember, they bring
That average down.


But when fortune smiles
And brings us good luck,
The bad part is
It brings that average up.


This guarantees
That we can't win them all.
In fact, it creates a path
Where everyone will win
Approximately half.


Half of all people
Have a less efficient brain.
Exterminate that half
And the fraction still remains.

Kill off half again
And half will still be dumber.
No matter what you do
One-half is still the number.

Half of all people look grotesque;
You get the picture, so I'll skip the rest.

I'll have to pass;
No pot pie for me.
Those damned things are loaded
With THC.


And my doctor told me
That drugs make me high.
And that I should cease and desist
Or when asked "Whatsup?"
I'd have to add myself to the list.


But that's why we use them;
They make us high.
And give us emotional feelings
That normal living can't supply.


And once we know this fervor,
Normal feelings lack the glow
To match the euphoria
That these drugs bestow.


It's the same with TV and movies,
With their exaggerated images of glory,
We experience their magnificence,
And think our own life boring.


Entertainment, we call it,
Amusement and escape.
But it gives us grand ideals
That we can never duplicate.



I went to Hallmark
Looking really hard;
Trying to find
A Garbage Day card.


Or a nice present.
Maybe a talking bass.
How about
A nice rat's ass?


Have you noticed that people seldom give
A rat's ass now-a-days.
I guess it was just
A fad--a craze;


But I remember when I was a kid,
Just before Christmas mass,
Hoping that Santa would bring me
A big ole rat's ass!


I prayed and prayed for one.
I used psychology.
I'd pray for others;
Then I'd pray for me.


Doing that, I could fool God
Into thinking I wasn't a selfish jerk.
But only occasionally
Did this strategy work.


"Dear God in heaven,
Bless the poor and the hungry."
Bless the rich and the fat.
And how about a new glass eye
For my dear ole uncle pat.

And for me, God,
I don't need much--
I'm not the greedy kind;
But a spiffy new rat's ass
Would really be fine!



In my house
The cobwebs roam.
I would not put a cob
Out of a home.


With money and blood pressure
Things can get rough
if you have an overabundance
Or not enough.


But of all the things we ferry,
An empty wallet is hardest to carry.
For despite the weight we pull,
It feels so much lighter when it is full.



On weekends and holidays,
When there's no on to teach,
I break out my sign
And take to the streets--


Where I wander aimlessly
Like a beggar dude,
With my sign that reads:
"Will Teach For Food."


But when my legs grow tired,
I go back to my home
And listen to
My stomach groan.


Casinos love people
With jobs that suck;
For these are the people
Who will turn to luck--


And gamble in hopes
That they might win.
Never to return
To those jobs again.


And they pray to God in heaven,
Creator of all seen,
To Let them hit it big
On a slot machine.


They beg of Jesus,
God's only son
To make their cards
Total twenty and one.


They appeal to the saints
Who dwell in heaven
To make the dice roll
Seven and eleven.


But when they realize
The answers are No's,
They pray to keep
From losing their clothes.


For leaving a casino
Naked as a nudist
Is reason to convert
And become a Buddhist.



I was feeling half dead
And wondered if I could receive
Half my life insurance
To take care of some needs.

But my insurance man,
Who said he was my friend,
Said call him back
When the other half sets in.


Down at the mall
The sales are really nice.
Buy one, and get another
For the very same price.


There was a smile on my face;
I was feeling just fine.
"Lays, two for a dollar"
Was on the store sign.


Damned ole bait and switch!
Made me feel jipped!
They led me to think sex
But they were talking chips.


I promise to love you
For better or worse,
Whichever it is
That happens to come first.


When the heart of another
You are wanting to win,
It is not the thought,
But how much you spend.


He committed a lot of crime;
He was convicted twice.
But everyone said
His mother was nice.


It was this revelation
Which led me to discover
You can't judge a crook
By looking at his mother.


We can't stay young forever;
And getting old sucks.
But we all grow old
With a little luck.


This kind of luck
I have had.
But I am not sure
If it's good or bad.



I'm tired of all this sexist crap!
Wouldn't it be a nice switch,
Just once to hear someone called
A daughter of a bitch?


And why do mothers get all the fucking?
That is not fair!
Fathers, too,
Deserve their share!


Hit men are people
Who kill for their pay.
But the people they kill
Were gonna die anyway.


I've come to a conclusion
Which I really believe;
If I work too hard,
It will cause fatigue.


I have discovered
It is almost certain that
If I eat too much,
I will get fat.


And I have found
There is reason to think
That I will get drunk
If I have too much to drink.


And I'm glad to know
That these are so,
But I wish I had known
Long ago.


For if I had known
That these consequences stunk,
I'd have spent less time
Being tired, fat and drunk.


There once was a man who loved junk food;
He ate and ate and ate.
And when he died God sent him to
Hog heaven by mistake.

Life is a matter
Of take and give.
Something must die
So that something might live.

Chicken and cow
Are no longer alive.
They died
So that we might survive.

Wheat and corn,
Turnip and sugar cane,
Sacrifices in
The living game.

We sow and grow,
Slaughter and devour,
To live another minute--
Another hour,

Until we die
and become a grand feast
For every manner
Of wee beast.

So what life is all about,
I have grown to discover,
Is a continuous bout
Of feeding on each other.


So pass the potatoes;
Pass the ham.
I eat;
Therefore I am.