The Winning of the West.
Waiting for the True White Brother.
a Radio Play in 3 Acts
by the Firesign Theater
Copyright © 1972 by Three or Four Crazy Guys, Inc.
Introduction: High Desert, Northern Arizona
Elder #1:
Well, I think it's about time; the way the corn's been growing for the last two or three generations...
Elder #2:
Look at that herd of buffalo, they're ready!
Elder #1:
Everything's living the Great Spirit's Way - in Harmony!
Elder #2:
Elder #1:
The True White Brother is coming Home... Remember what the Great Spirit said? If we did what we were supposed to do and lived according to the plan, White Brother would finish His work in the East and come back to us.
Elder #2:
It'll be nice to have the family together again.
Act 1 - (Music: Flemenco Guitar - Enter the Spaniards)
Conquistidore:
Elder #1:
Hello! You must be the True White Brother!
Conquistidore:
Chore! And Jou muss be the Indians!
Elder #1:
Elder #2:
Conquistidore:
Welcome to New Spain! This is your new Father, Father Corona...
Priest:
Pox Venucci Ixum! Down on your knees now! Do you recognize what I'm holdin' over yer heads, lads?
Elder #1:
It's a cross; the symbol of the quartering of the Universe into active and passive principles.
Priest:
God have mercy on their heathen souls!
Conquistidore:
What the Father means, is what is the cross made of? Gold! ... Have you got any?
Elder #1:
Conquistidore:
What about the seven cities of gold? Phoenix, Tuscon, Las Vegas...
Elder #2:
Conquistidore:
Elder #1:
Spaniard #1:
Hey, corn! Now we can make tortillias!
Spaniard #2:
We've been waiting for this for hundreds of years!
Spaniard #3:
Conquistidore:
So this is all you've got?
Elder #1:
Yes... but, aren't you the True White Brother who's supposed to come and live with us in peace?
Conquistidore:
Chore! Therefore, I claim this rich, verdant pasture land in the name of the Empire of Spain!
Spaniard #1:
Hey, Capitano, the rain, she's a stop to fall, and the corn, she's all dead!
Conquistidore:
Shut up, Vespucci! I claim this stinking desert in the name of the Empire of Spain forever - let's go!
All Spaniards in chorus (to the tune of God Bless America):
God bless Vespucciland! Mmm, mm, mm, mmm...
Priest:
Oh, by the way, you're all Catholics now, Domini, Domini, Domini, God bless you and...
Spaniard #2:
C'mon, Father, nobody in their right mind would live in this stinking desert!
Spaniard #3:
Act 2 - (Music: Harmonica playing Oh, Suzanna - Enter the Settlers)
Settler #1:
Boy, I'm tired of pushin' west. How long ago'd we leave Goshen?
Settler #2:
About two hours ago... Ain't we ever gonna stop?
Settler #3:
Quiet down now, boys, the wagon boss is gonna speak.
Wagonmaster:
My fellow settlers! We stand here at the edge of civilization, on the banks of the Mississippi river. Lookin west, at our Destiny! What may appear to the faint-hearted as a limitless expanse of God forsaken wilderness, is in reality a golden opportunity for humble, God fearin' people like ourselves and our families and our children and the generations a-comin' to carve a new life - out of the American Indian!
Settler #1:
Settler #2:
Settler #3:
Elder #1:
Wagonmaster:
Injuns! Pull the wagons up into a circle!
Elder #1:
Why do you always do that?
Wagonmaster:
We get better reception that way... Mind if I put this antenna up on yonder peak?
Elder #1:
That's our sacred mountain.
Wagonmaster:
This is our sacred antenna. It's shaped like a cross, made of aluminum... Have you got any aluminum?
Elder #2:
We've still got some corn left...
Settler #1:
Hey, corn! Now we can make whiskey!
Settler #2:
We've been waiting for this for hundreds of years!
Settler #3:
I just invented the Tom Collins!
Wagonmaster:
Here, Injun, want some fire-water?
Elder #1:
No, we were warned by our elders not to drink anything that would make us weak or silly.
Settler #1:
HA! HA! - Put it in their well!
Elder #1:
That's not a well, it's the eye of the Holy Serpent Mound on which you're standing.
Settler #2:
Elder #2:
Settler #2:
And right purty too... Can you move it?
Elder #1:
Wagonmaster:
Railroad's comin' through - right now!
(Sound: Locomotive braking to a halt, steam hissing and bell clanging.)
Passenger #1:
Why we stoppin, we in Goshen yet?
Conductor:
Can't go no further; this here's Injun territory!
Government Agent:
Well, then, it's Treaty Time!
(Fanfare, Hail to the Chief.)
Government Agent:
My Fellow redskins; on behalf of the Great White Father in Washington and all the American people, let me just say that we respect you savages for your native ability to instantly adapt and survive in whatever God forsaken wilderness we move you to... out there. Sign here.
Conductor:
All Passengers:
Yee Haw! Yippee! Hooray!!!
(Repreive fanfare, Hail to the Chief.)
Act 3:
Elder #1:
There's no reason to complain. I mean, it's not so bad out here. We still have our People and our Ceremonies and the Sun and the Moon and the Sand and the black stuff coming out of the ground...
Government Agent:
The black stuff coming out of the ground? Civilization, HO!!!
(Fanfare, Gerschwin's Manhattan Rhapsody.)
Elder #1:
Oh, it's nice out here in the desert. No rain, no crops, no White Brother...
(Sound: Tour Bus braking to a halt, air brakes hissing and door opening.)
Bus Driver:
All out for Fort Stinkin' Desert, last Indian reservation for two thousand miles; get 'em while you can!
Tourist #1:
Tourist #2:
Oh, lookit them Indians, they're a funny dark color!!
Tourist #3:
Gopher Dan, ye pesky redskin, which way's Goshen?
(Sound: Gunfire.)
Bus Driver:
Hi, there, colorful replica of America's past, when is the 'exiting-in-its-primitive-splendor' snake dance going to take place?
Elder #1:
Well, it's usually in August, but with all of our children off at Indian School, there's no one left to do the ceremonies....
Young Indian:
Elder #1:
Hello, Soaring Eagle! It's good to have you back from school!
Young Indian:
Oh, come on, call me Eddie! I'm an American now!
Elder #1:
What have they been teaching you?
Young Indian:
Just what we need for a better life! French Horn, Itallian, water polo...
Government Agent:
Yes, at the Custer Memorial Indian School, Eddie's one of our Prize students. We're giving him away next week!
Elder #1:
Hippie:
Hey, man, don't let 'em bring you down, now. There's a lot of young people in this country just like myself who really know where the Indian's at, and don't worry, pretty soon we're all gonna be out here on the reservation living like Indians, dressing like Indians and doing all the simple, beautiful things that you Indians do... Got any peyote?
Tourist #1:
Hey, how much is that necklace you'r wearin?
Tourist #2:
Isn't it amazing how they survive in this stinking desert!
Tourist #3:
Tourist #1:
Lemme git a shot of you and your squaw.
Tourist #2:
Hey, you know how to do the war dance?
Tourist #3:
Yeah! Let's see the war dance.
Tourist #1:
Tourist #2:
All Tourists: (with gunfire)
Bus Driver:
All right, folks, fun's over! Back on the bus!
Elderly Female Tourist:
Where's little Billy Joe?
Elderly Male Tourist:
He's in that run-down outhouse over there, Mama.
Elder #1:
Government Agent:
Well, Indian, it just goes to show the obvious need to preserve our priceless national herritage. The government is turning your home into a national monument!
(Fanfare, America the Beautiful.)
Politician:
It behooves me, upon this historic occassion, to dedicate the Stinking Desert National Indian Monument and Cobalt Testing Range!
Government Agent:
(Sound of nuclear bomb being detonated)
Epilogue
Elder #1:
Well, it's about time; there's been no corn growing for the last few generations, the buffalo are gone and there's no one left to live in harmony with...
Elder #2:
I wonder where we went wrong?
Elder #1:
Oh, well, let's just keep to the life plan.
Remember what the Great Spirit said, "Follow the peaceful way.."
The True White Brother is bound to come...
Director:
All right, Indians, get ready!
Production Assistant:
Winning of the West, the massacre, take four!
(Sound of movie producer's clap-board)
All Indians:
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!