Get your own Free HomepageA Guide to Socializing
I did have a small amount of social skills when I was younger, and I wasn't severly mindblind. When I was about 13, something happened (It could've been the 60mg of Prozac) and I got a few more social skills which enabled me to "act" neurotypical for about two months straight. I was overdoing it though, the stress got to me, and I regressed and ended up in a psychiatric hospital so they could reajust my medication. However I still maintained the knowledge of how to use those social skills when needed, I just have to remember my limits.
This guide isn't for everyone with Asperger's Syndrome. These skills will require atleast some general know how, common sence, and understanding of social structure because socializing is not always predictable.
Things you should know about yourself and how other people see you.
When I was young I had very low self esteem. Not about myself in general, but when I compaired myself to another person. When engaging in a social event I always felt inferior to the person I was socializing with, and I thought they automatically assumed a dominant roll of leadership. This was an incorrect assumption. While some people do automatically assume that they are incharge, or better than someone, most people determine how they compair to a person by the first impression the other person gives them, so here are some things you should know.
People can't see inside of your head. They don't know what you're thinking or how you feel unless you let them know in a way that they can detect by tone of voice, facial expression, how much you talk, whether you mean to let them know, or not. Generally because of my lack of facial expressions and tone of voice, people think I'm depressed, though I'm actually not. If I prepare myself, I can intentionally come across any way I want to. I preffer for distant family members, aquaintances, and friends to view me as an eaqual on the majority of levels. Teachers, instructors, bosses, and authorative government figures such as police officers, fire fighters, and so forth, should be considered a dominant figure, meaning you generally should do what they say, as long as there's a logical reason, it's within the law, and dose not violate any of your civil or constitutional rights. Keep in mind that no one has the right to abuse you in a physical or sexual way (though if you resist arrest by a police officer by physically struggling they have a right to use whatever physical means within reason to subdue you, and if you attack someone in any physical way they have the right to deffend themselves in a way that's within reason).
People will also judge you by your clothing, and how clean you appear. No matter what style you preffer, you should avoid looking sloppy and unclean. A sloppy, unclean appearence would usually consist of a few or all of the following: Greasy and or matted or tangled hair. Visble dirt or grime on ones self, under the fingernails, or on clothing. Clothes with noticable stains on them. Clothes with visible, unintentional tears, rips, or holes in them. Extremly worn out shoes. Dirty teeth and or bad breath. And a general bad smell. You usually can't smell your own breath or body odor, so it's advisable to bathe anywhere from two times a day (morning and night) or every other day, depending on how fast you get dirty, and to brush your teeth atleast twice a day (morning and night), though the American Dental Association suggests that you brush after every meal, but that's not always possible.
A neat and clean appearance should generally consist of all or most of the following: Clean, well groomed hair. No dirt on oneself, under their fingernails, or on their clothing. Clothing without visible stains and or unintentional rips, tears, or holes. Shoes that are not extremly dirty and or falling apart. Clean teeth and fresh or breath (fresh breath means breath with a mint like smell from toothpaste, mouthwash, breathments, etc, or no offensive smell). And a pleasant or generally unoffensive or unoticable body odor. It's also advisable to wear things that fit properly and match, though not nessicary unless a dresscoade that applies to you states otherwise. Also, if you become dirty during your job because you are in a field of work where it is nearly impossible to stay clean (painter, oil worker, construction worker, mechanic, etc) it's okay to get dirty at work. Just be sure to clean yourself up when you get home.
Last, but not least, people generally expect you to look them in the eyes when you are speaking to them, or they are speaking to you. I know this can be hard to do. It was suggested by someone that you practice at home in the mirror, or with someone you feel comfertable with, if you have trouble looking people in the eyes. You may also look slightly above their eyes if it's easier for you. Sometimes it's not appropriat to look someone in the eyes, such as when you are doing something which requires that you use your eyes to do. Some times that you shouldn't look people in the eyes are as followed: When you are driving a car, bike, bus, or any other type of vehical, when you are operating dangerous machinary, or doing anything in which it'd be a danger to yourself and or the people around you, if you took your eyes off of what you were doing. There are also times where you aren't nessicarily expected to look someone in the eyes, though doing so would not be wrong, such as when you are engadged in a type of project, like using a computer, working on a car, writing a letter, and other things that would not be a danger if you took your eyes off of them for a second or two.
Social Structure
When socializing with someone, there is always a certain structure that they expect you to follow. The structure changes, depending on who you are talking to, and what you are talking about.
When meeting with a business associate or client in a proffesional setting, doctor, or someone you intend to do some type of buisiness with, they should usually be greeted with a smile, hello, self introduction if they don't know who you are, and a handshake, usually all at the same time. When engaging in a handshake, it is usually appropriat for the authorative person to extend their hand first. If you are meeting with a client of yours, it's appropriat for you to extend your hand first, though in some situations it's okay for people to extend hands at the same time. It may also be appropriat to follow this form of greeting when meeting a distant relative, distant aquantance, friends friend, etc. When meeting with a close friend or relative, a hug, and sometimes a kiss on the cheek is sometimes an appropriat greeting. This can also be an appropriat goodbye to close family members and friends, as cann handshakes can be an appropriat goodbye with people you know on a proffesional level. It is inappropriat to greet bank tellers, checkers at chekstands, gas station attendants, and such with a handshake apoun handling your money, paying at the market or a store, getting gas at the gas station, etc. It is also inappropriat to greet them with a hug unless they are a close friend or family member. It is appropriat to greet them with a hello and a smile. You may also greet the majority of friends in that way.
After or during a greeting, someone may ask you how you are. If you are meeting them on a proffessional level, you should just tell them that you are okay, and ask them how they are. If you are meeting with an aquantance and they ask how you are, it's okay to tell them if you are a bit ill as long as you don't go into graphic detail unless they prompt you to, it is also appropriat for you to ask them how they are doing. If meeting with a close friend or family member you may tell them how you really are if you wish. Also ask them how they are. When meeting with someone concerning your health, such as a doctor, always tell them how you physically are, after all, that is why you went to see them, right?
When meeting with a proffesional the general flow of conversation is usually easy to follow and will be limited to business of some sort. When conversing with an aquantance, friend, or family member, the conversation may change topics many times. A conversation should generally consist of give and take. What I mean by that is try not to just talk about subjects which interest or involve yourself, give the person room to talk a bit about things that interest or involve them as well. Usually in a conversation, one person will make a comment or ask or answer a question, and then the other person will make a comment on that subject or something related, or ask or answer a question. Sometimes a friend or family member will call you up or meet you somewhere, just because they have a problem and want you to listen to them or they want you to give them advice. You don't have to give advice if you don't want to, and they don't always want you to give advice. Sometimes they want you to listen to their problems because it relieves them of some stress the problem may be causing them.
If you are in a conversation and the person you are speaking with says something that you don't have a reply to, you have a few options to choose from. They may expect you to continue with your part of the conversation. If so, you will have to find a way to continue it on the same topic or smoothly switch to a different topic. If you can do neither, it may just be time to end the conversation. If they do expect you to say something, it might just be a small utterance like "oh", "mhmm", or a type of reaction appropriat to what they said. Changing the subject in a situation like this can be a bit complicated. If you think the person has run out of things to say on the subject they were talking about, and it wasn't a sensitive subject, it's okay to change it abruptly. If it was a sensitive subject, for example, they were talking about someone theycare about being injured, you should let them know that you have sympathy for them and the person injured before easing into a different subject. It may be hard for you to identify the persons feelings and intentions by their facial expressions, body movements, and tone of voice. If so, you may want to have someone help you practice identifying them.
It is innapropriat to end a conversation by simply walking away. If you are the one ending the conversation, try to make and ending comment regarding the subject you were talking about. It my involve wishing someone luck, telling someone you hope they feel better, telling them you hope to see them again soon, or something like that, and then telling them that you have to be on your way. Then you may shake their hand, hug them, just wave or say goodbye, whichever is appropriat for the type of meeting.
A few more things
Keep in mind that other people may not always socialize properly while you're socializing with them. If they don't, oh well, it's not your fault and you should continue to do your part. Also, prepare yourself for change. It is okay to change the level at which you socialize with someone at, as long as it is a mutual change. Time and place will also determine how you socialize with someone. You will have to use your own judgment to decide what level it is appropriat to socialize with someone at. You should also try to be yourself as much as possible, while still socializing properly. I had mention watching the other persons facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice carefully, to determine their emotions and intentions, earlier. On rare occasions a person might attempt to decive you, and when encountering a stranger, you should be on the lookout for them doing so. A close friend or family member will usually not decive you in an extremly damaging way, if they even decive you at all. You will have to use your own judgment to tell how trustworthy a person is though.
Well that's all I can think of right now. If anyone has anything they think should be added or modified to this, please E-Mail them to me.
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