Here is a simple questions and answers page on why I acted the way I did when I was younger, and why I act the way I do now. Everyone is different but perhaps this page will give people some insite to how someone they know that has Asperger's Syndrome, HFA, PDDNOS, or something else near the high end of the autistic spectrum thinks.

When I was younger, before the age of five, I did have trouble with speech. I am told that I put letters in words when I spoke, which shouldn't have been there, and I had an inconsistant pattern to my voice. I talked this way for a very simple reason. It sounded like I was speaking just fine. I could hear people just fine. The problem was, the words that I said wrong, sounded fine to me, that is, I could hear someone say "Applejuice", only when I said it, I said "Appedelduce" and to me it sounded like I said "Applejuice", so as you could imagine, I had no idea why people couldn't understand me. After a year or so of speech therapy when I was five, it seems the problem is fixed now, though occasionally I'm told I have "some type of accent...Scottish maybe," which I can't hear.

There are a few reasons for this, which will not be entirley answered right here. First of all, when I was young (2-8) I was very very shy, and I thought the other kids were better than me. In other words, I had low self esteem. I also felt different than them. They would run around the playground chasing boys, giving threatining shreaks of giving them "girl cooties", which I did not find entertaining at all. My mind was full of questions, like "why is the sky blue?", only on a larger scale, and if it was all the same to them, I much preffered looking very closley at tree's and wandering off in my own little world. Why trees? Well not only trees, but I was recalling from one inncodent where I was curious as to which way it would fall if cut. I was about 3 or so at this time.

Around 8 or so, despite a full blown onset of OCD, I gained a little more self esteem, and though I had some friends at the time, the majority of people my age, I just wasn't compatible with. I made more of an effort to interact with people my age, but something was just off. By the time I was thirteen, though my social mannerism were still a little off, and still are to this day, I was able to look anyone in the eyes, though It's not the optiumum place for me to be looking if you want a high quality conversation with me, and I was able to '"fake it" enough to stay in a mainstream educational program for about two months.

Another easy one. It felt like people could see into me. I'm sure alot of people get this feeling, but just not to the same extent. Now I don't have that same problem with it. However, though I'm not sure, I might be giving them more of a gaze that's generally in the eye area. Occasionally a certain shade of blue that someones eyes have might make me uncomfertable, however I'll stick with looking at them. The problem with me looking people in the eyes now, is that for some reason I don't know, my mind tends to blank out. I can get dissasociative sometimes and if they've been sitting there talking for about ten minutes on a subject that I don't mind hearing about but doesn't spark a certain interest, my brain goes on full autopilot while my consciousness fixates on the wall behind them which is now turning different colors. I say full autopilot because it's usally on half autopilot. If you catch me off guard and say something to me, like "How are you?" If my autopilot is half on, you will get "I'm fine, how are you?" As a reply. It's more of a reflex than anything. If you say something to me when I'm off guard, and my autopilot isn't on at all. I will do one of three things. Ignore you, which I don't do so much anymore, say the first thing that comes to my mind, which has earned me many odd looks, or, if I'm lucky, say "Huh?". The whole time I'm in the checkout at the market, I'm focusing on the checker to say "Hi." So that I may not seem rude by ignoring them, and give them a proper reply. Unffortunatly I often forget about the baggers who usually have to as me if I want paper or plastic three or five times. Also, when I have to talk about something with someone, which disturbs me. Not looking them in the eyes is the only way I can keep from crying.

What's this deal with hypersensitivity?

Hearing

Sounds have never seemed blaring loud to me, as they do to some hypersensitive people, the problem I've had with them is that I seem to be able to hear certain high pitched frequencies which most people don't notice. It rarley presents itself now, but when it does it's nearly equivalant to listening to someone scratch their nails on a chalkboard, and I'll have to turn what I'm listening to down very low, just to phase out that frequency. I can also pick up very low frequencies that most people don't seem to notice sometimes, but they don't hurt my ears. Sometimes I can nearly completely tune out everything, if I'm involved in a task, or sometimes just spacing out.

Touching and Hugging

I don't like to be touched, but in a certain way of speaking. When I was younger (2-6) I had no problem with being touched by my mother. But now I tense up every time she hugs me. This is not exactly vouluntary. I would like very much to be able to hug my mother back. I just get this odd feeling, similar to the one I got when I looked people in the eyes. I seem to have no trouble hugging my grandparents, cousins, or older sister though. Possibly because I hug them when they leave after visiting and I can prepare myself. As far as touching in general goes. I'm extremely ticklish. Poke me in the back and I'll not only jump a mile, but get very annoyed. Another reason I don't like to be touched is, after someone touched me, the sensation of it can linger for mintes, or sometimes hours if I shake their hand. The sensation may last longer on my hands, because of the OCD. I was a washer (someone with OCD who compulsivly washes there hands for fear of germs or to make a "sensation" go away), and while I am not anymore, I sitll have the potential to redevelop the symptom.

There are a few reasons for this. I often tell people I feel trapped in a way, because no matter how gracefully and "normal" I attempt to move, when socializing, my movements just come out rigid, and or timidly. It's like knowing what a word sounds like, knowing how to make the sound, but not being able to get your mouth to make the sound. Two more things are, sometimes I'm just not sure what movement goes with what phrase or situation, and then sometimes I just don't get the signal from my brain to make a motion. I also stumble over my words, or am often at a loss for them when I am trying to have a conversation with someone. I can't seem to talk and think very well at the same time. And I often do not know the word I need to express an emotion. Though I have a much easier time typing than talking, I still have a deal of trouble thinking of the right word for my thoughts, which is extremely frustrating when I get into debates or arguments, because I can't get my point across for the other person to understand. And last, if I talk to fast, I'll completly mix around what I wanted to say.

Yes, but only when I am reading something with a rythem, like a poem. It is a completely subconscious thing for me, and it usually takes me a while to realize I am doing it, in which case I stop, sometimes only to find myself doing it again.

Do you have tantrums? If so, why?

I am normally a very mellow and patient person. I believe the tantrums occure when my brain chemistry goes off balance in such a way that something I would normally shrug off, makes me mad and frustrated and hurt, to a point that my rationality, along with a good chunk of my self control, go on vacation. I don't kick and scream but I cry and act like I child, and I might go in my room and slam my door. If I really loose it I'll punch my wall. If I should ever inflict any damage to myself then it was most likley something I had no control of, meaning an action which was more a reflex than anything, because I had not even thought about, or intended to perform it, or I did not think the object could harm me, for example I may not have realized a pen was so sharp. I am NOT violent towards other people. And yes, I do care what people think if I have a tantrum in front of them, though when I am mad or frustrated enough to have a tantrum, I am usually to mad and frustrated to care much. I can refrain from having them in public, unless I just break down crying.

You may thinks this odd for someone who has OCD and Asperger's and is often stereotyped to have a reptative nature and a need for structure, but I have an incredibly low stress level when it comes to doing something at the same time every single day. This is so even with things I like to do. For some reason it just stresses me out. I have come to the conclusion that it's just the way I am. And no it's not because I "didn't want it bad enough". What makes this hard, other than feeling like I've failed at just about everything I've ever tried, even though I tried my very best, is that people don't understand, and they do think if I wanted it bad enough I would have been able to keep with it.

Do you obsessivly talk about certain subjects, or have obsessive interests in things? If so, why?

Occasionally I will slip and start to talk a little bit to much about a certain subject that interests me alot. But I know this is not socially acceptable and refrain from doing it. I do get intensly interested in things sometimes, but after a few months I usually grow tired of it and find something else.

My abstract comprehention skills a almost up to par with "normal", however occasionally I'll slip up and something just won't occure to me the way it was intended. For example, an authorative figure once told me to inform an aquaintance of mine that he would like to see him in his office right now. I went to inform him, and found him in a group involved in an activity, being led by another authoritive figure. I knew that if I told my aquaintance that he was wanted in the office, I'd interrupt the group, but I was told specificly to tell my aquantance that. I was not told to tell the other authorative figure to tell my aquantaintance. So I told my aquaintance and got in trouble for interupting the group. Now most of the time, things occure to me readily, it's just sometimes something doesn't.

There are a few reasons for this. I don't smile much because my facial muscles are affected by my muscle disorder, and are to weak to hold a simple smile all day. Also, even though I am smiling inside, sometimes the chemical reaction that triggers most people to smile , just isn't strong enough to trigger me to smile sometimes. I will also have days where nothing strikes me as funny, or nearly everything will.

How can you sit there for hours and do nothing?

There are a few reasons for this. My mind easily wanders off into a land of it's own, and my concept of time can be a bit distorted sometimes.

What's it's like to be in a dissasociative state?

There are a few different states. In one of them I feel like my mind is blank and I'm trapped in a bubble. The thought of talking makes me feel like I am apologizing to someone I don't think deserves and apology, or sometimes it seems like the wire to send my thoughts to my mouth is missing. This is different from me not saying a word unless talked. When I don't say anything for hours unless someone talks to me, it's because I have nothing at all to say.

Do you ever wish you didn't have Asperger's?

Yes and no. I would like to get rid of the things like the dissasociativeness, and mannerism, and things which impair my productivity and communication. At the same time, I would like to keep my musical and artistic talent, and *myself*, though I'm not sure if *myself* is Asperger's or just affected by the symptoms of it.

Yes and no. I still do not fit in with my age group. Though sometimes I wish I did, we are just not compatible. Some people notice something about me seems a little off, but can't place it. Other people think I seem very mature for my age.

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