 
Wes. Well where do you start to talk about the first love of your life, requieted or otherwise? For a long time I had eyes for no one else, but he was also the first person I ever had to accept not returning my interest. That took a long time, too. Nowadays Wes holds a unique place in my life as one of the people whose friendship I hold most dear, even if we don't see each other as much since he moved away. And I'll always remember those depths of soul that he opened up for me to explore within myself and I'll always have a unique affection for him. He's kind of like the living first-love who died and who I had to accept I'd never be with again. It makes for an interesting friendship. The more people I meet, the more I realize he's still the soul I'm in love with and would do well to seek out in others, because when I've deviated from the standard that he set for me, I'm even more likely to be wounded. |
Jon is like the sugar-daddy I never slept with. He's carted me around to so many parties and been such a reliable sounding-board for me since I met him, he's been there to sort help sort out so much of the confusion that comes with trying to understand boys. Plus there was that week or so when I was fighting with my dad and Jon took me into his home. He really is a man who gives beyond any ability to reciprocate. A bit of a pest when he's drunk (he starts beating people with things-- newspapers, roses, chopsticks...) and certainly a rampant flirt, he's still someone who I trust to give me counsel if nothing else. |
 
Timmy-- oh my god what a ride we've had. I spent about 10 months trying to get Tim to settle down (ie. with me) before frustration made me really annoyed at him for a while. Then I got over it, and now he's one of those friends I can really say that I love, even when I think he needs a good kick in the ass-- because I've been to the brink of hating him and back. That's the test, I guess. I should hope that by now he knows I'm one of the people who really is there for him, through good or bad, even when reason suggests I should be cutting the moorings to reach the safety of open harbour. I think Tim actually is capable of a lot more than he's been taught to expect of himself. But don't expect the world you cut you slack because you want to change its persception of you, Tim-- you have to *take* its respect. |
J (aliases, what can ya do.) and I met during a shared confusion in our lives. We were both frustrated with looking for love and thought that we'd let loose for a while, give up the search, and decided to be, err, "friends with benefits." But I quickly reverted to form, we expressed feelings for each other, and took a shot at going out for a while. In the end he said he was still "confused" and broke up with me, which pretty much devastated me and was a catalyst for me having to face the dependance in my own life. And after hearing that shortly after the breakup he started cruising my friends, I spent a long time very angry at him. Hating him, in fact. Wishing him out of existance. Wishing pianos into existance... in the sky... directly above him. Compensating for wind shear. But, a strange little thing has happened lately. Maybe it's the fact that suddenly I have a second ex-boyfriend and "J" has been relegated to 'merely' the first in a line of messengers. He seems a little less evil now... I don't expect that we'll ever quite be friends again. Partly because I'm really not an especially forgiving person when I feel betrayed, but also because... I guess I'm afraid that if I let myself be friends with him again, I'll eventually want to be 'more' with him again... one can lose my trust, but I'm not sure that I ever truly and completely ever stop loving someone once I've started. It's confusing and hideous and it makes me mad at him for being the source of such a... "parity error" in my head. I'm trying to not-hate him and stop ignoring him, but how can I let myself like someone who I loved and who hurt me? {grumble} And people wonder why I'm getting to be so cynical. |
 
Travis is a sweetie who, much to everyone's amazement, weathered Hurricane Timmy for, gods, what? a year and a half? They broke up a little while back, but he's a great kid and, ironically perhaps, one of the best influences on a group of people I know who could use a good influence or two. He can come across as a bit of a flake until you get to know him and realize he actually has depth and some brains, a quizzitive mind, now if only he gave himself some more credit!!! Travis, trust me, you may very well be one of those people who actually can do anything you set your mind to. Stop selling yourself short, you're a bright and gorgeous person-- use it, just don't abuse it. |
It's gotten to a point where I can't help but laugh when I think about the evolution of my friendship with Jeff. The first time we chatted online he told me he was going to make me his bitch. We met in person and got to be friends + a little flirtation, then after he and his bf split we almost had a "moment." But when we didn't, he was the straw that broke the romance camel's back and sent me into my slut-phase. Now, well we're still friends, there's still a bit of flirtation, oh and did I mention that we discovered we're "family?" It's just by marriage-- he's my second step-cousin, but I think it drives home the fact that this guy's always gonna be in my life one way or another, for better or worse. |
| Kirk is someone who, without meaning to, has challenged me to look beyond myself. For a brief while after a party at Jon's where I was too drunk to remember him the next day (except I remembered we had the same jacket) Kirk and I had a bit of a flirtation, we thought we'd see where it went... as it turned out, he (like a couple of other guys before him who I'd been interested in) went to Jeff. ack! And they started hanging out with "J." double-ack!! And then, in a role-reversal that stunned many a queer, he cheated on Jeff. one more hearty ACK! So, I was just about to write Kirk off when he did something I couldn't have expected: he asked me for help. At first I found it ironic, I was tempted to go with the "you made your bed..." asympathetic approach, but when I saw the mess he'd naively walked into and he professed a desire to turn things around, I suppose the choice was made for me. You don't turn away someone in need, especially someone you really cared about, even if by no fault of their own they weren't quite what you wanted them to be. Now, I don't know about him, but I consider Kirk part friend and part protegé. I want to make sure he returns to the kind of person he wants to be, instead of being seduced by others into being the person they want him to be for their own purposes. | 
This is Matt, a friend who, for a while- I thought was going to save me from my losing faith in people-- in boys, specifically. I made a pilgrimmage to Halifax to see him, didn't see a lot of him, but I did get to experience Halifax at my own pace and stengthen some other friendships. I still like and admire him a lot, he's one of my favourite musicians too, but I've accepted the likelihood that Matt and I will be, at most, friends. And I think that will be enough. |
 Brian.
When Brian first asked me out I wasn't sure if it even had anything to
do with me, or if it was to detract the guy who was all over him.
When we went out again the night after that first, awkward date I didn't
want to let my guard down because I honestly believed at the time that
trust would most likely lead to another heartbreak. After 3 weeks
and a few stumbles, I really started to care about him. And then
he dumped me. And suddenly I started to think that 3 1/2 weeks might be
my "relationship expiery" date. It's taken some time but I think
I've come to see Brian as the least hurtful of my breakups so far, because
at least he didn't cheat or lie to me about why it ended-- he just didn't
feel we were right for each other long term. Maybe he was right,
I'm not sure either way. I think, of my exes he's the one I regret
not staying closer friends with. |
Shane is the guy I went out with after Brian. It took a while before I even entertained the notion of dating again after Brian, and when Shane and I met I resisted the attraction, didn't take his flirtation very seriously. Until a mutual friend encouraged us to give it a shot. I enjoyed "going out" with Shane even though we mostly only saw each other on weekends, but at 3.5 weeks, I pretty much gave up and he pretty much decided I was too kinky for him anyway, so in high drama queen fashion he dumped me the next weekend... at a party. And that was, I thought, the last time I'd ever do the "dating" thing with anyone, ever again. I pretty much lost faith, figured no one would ever want me for more than 24 or 25 days. And I started to accept that proposition as favourable to taking the chance on getting hurt again. |
 And
then, six months after Shane, at 4 AM on a gay.com chatroom, Will
and I stumbled across each other. I had no intention of getting involved
with anyone again... ever... and had actually begun to embrace the idea
of being "on my own." But after I spent some time "not-dating" Will,
I started to really like him. And to my amazement he seemed to really
like me, too, despite my certainty that I'd become too jaded to ever be
attractive again. So I started to lower my guard, enough to consent
to us calling ourselves a couple, though I'm still trying to maintain some
safe emotional 'space' in case he leaves me too. Don't ask me how
it happened, but as I write this, Will and I are at 5 whole weeks-- it
seems kind of absurd to make such a big deal of that, but for me it's like
breaking a curse. And he still seems to want me! And I know
that I still want him. So I'm hoping my 'sweet William' will be around
for a while, because he's very nice to me, and interesting, AND he's frikken
hot :-) |
Ma' Sistas! Nigel (left) and Peter (right) are my "Spinster Sisters," Sista Olay Jackson and Sista Angel Jackson, and they call me... Sista Jade Jackson. The Sisters Grim, the harpies on the rocks! When the three of us get together it's pure chaos-- we seem to geometrically magnify each other's personalities. We gossip, we tease, we dish; these two bitches probably know me as well as anyone on Earth, and whenever I need someone to cheer me up with a tale of weekend debauchery or a good ex-boyfriend slanderfest, I can always count on these two. Just imagine Cinderella if she'd gotten along with her wicked stepsisters, and instead of competing for Prince Charming, they invited him to a gang-bang, gave him the address of the local virgin, and told him to "sneak in through the window-- we really dig 'rape scenes,'" then watched together from across the street with a camcorder, cackling hysterically as the cops showed up. We're three sistas who know who we love, and really know who we hate. |
