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Golf Humor!

Last updated October 11, 1999

A Large Pine Tree...

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it plopped back to the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall!"

You Have to Know...

At a Golf Course, the four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway runs along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?" Without hesitation, he said, "You have to know the bus schedule."

The Women's Tee...

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!" Joe could take no more. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Another old Golfer...

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

Ten years on a desert island...

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? "He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man gasps, "Good Grief! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

It's all right ma'am...

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets. On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls." She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

Golf on a Sunday morning...

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Where have you been....?

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their lust overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his dirty shoes and said, "You lying dog!....You've been playing golf!

NOW! For Retirees.....

("Commentary by Fuzzy Zoeller ??")

Stress Free Golf Ball...

Yes, my friends, there is a new stress-free golf ball out! It's called the "Clinton" ball..... ...No matter how you hit it... ... there's a perfect "lie" every time.

Unsinkable Molly Brown!

(From Ben Wick's "Book Of Losers")

A lady golfer competing in the 1912 Shawnee Invitational for Ladies at Shawnee-on-Delaware took a glorious wack at the ball and watched as it sailed majestically into the Binniekill river. But luck was on her side. The ball remained floating, making it possible for the energetic golfer to leap into a boat and set off in hot pursuit. Each time she was within range of the ball, our heroine would give an almighty swipe. She eventually connected and sent the ball up onto a small beach, 1.5 miles from where she had started. After leaping out of the boat, she began to tackle the next hurdle, a forest lying between her ball and the hole. She finally made it in a magnificent 166 strokes for the 130-yard, par 3, 16th hole.

Can't count...

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."

Golf vs. Tennis...

"The difference between golf and tennis is that tennis is murder - you just want to kill the other player. Golf is suicide - you just want to kill yourself..."

Game Tomorrow...?

(This story was told by Bob Hope)

A low handicapp golfer had a bad day, shooting a score he rarely saw. So he went into the men's room, took a razor, and slashed both wrists. He was standing at a wash basin with the blood flowing when a friend came in and asked, "Hey, how about a game tomorrow?"

The low handicapper immediately slapped his wrists together to stop the bleeding and exclaimed, "What time?"

Voice from above...

A priest was about to tee off over a lake on a par three hole. Because he was not confident that he could carry the water, he teed up an old ball, and just as he was about to hit a voice from above said, "Put down a new ball."

So he changed to a new ball and was about to hit when the voice said, "Take a practice swing."

The priest took a practice swing and again stepped up to the ball, only to hear the voice say, "Put down the old ball."

Sentimental...

One day Jim and Harry were out playing a round of golf. While they were on the 11th green about to putt, Jim notices a funeral procession coming by on a nearby road. All of a sudden he notices Harry take his hat off and bow his head.

Jim say to Harry: "Harry, I did not know that you were such a sentimental guy."

Harry looks up to Jim and says, "Well, Jim, I was married to her for almost 35 years."

Hustle a Priest?...

A priest went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the first tee.

The member asked, "What's your handicapp?"

The priest replied, "I'm a twelve."

The member said, "Oh, good, so am I. Would you like to bet a dollar a hole?"

The priest agreed, and when they finished they went into the club house. As the priest was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member, he said, "Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."

The member said, "I'd like to do that."

Then the priest added, "And bring your mother and father; I'd like to marry them."

Heard it on a Sunday night...

"Honey, the kids won't go to sleep. Will you come up and tell them about your golf game?"

Where have you been?...

Bob always played golf with the same four-some; every Saturday morning, 7:30, rain or shine. He was always home by noon for lunch and his wife always had it ready.

One Saturday Bob didn't come home on time for lunch and by 2:00 his wife was beginning to worry. By 4:00 she was frantic and when he walked in at 6:00 it was "Where in the heck have you been? Bob sat at the table, holding his head in his hands: "Honey it was awful, just terrible!"

WIFE (Now feeling sorry for her husband): "Tell me what's happened."

BOB: "Well we all got to the course this morning and teed off as usual at 7:30. I shot par on the first hole and everyone else got bogie. I had the honor on #2 and hit one right down the middle. Then Fred got up to hit and in the middle of his backswing he had a heart attack and collapsed on the tee. I jumped up and started CPR and George started mouth-to-mouth. We must have worked on him for 30 minutes but we couldn't save him. Fred died right there on the second tee.

WIFE: "That's just terrible! But, where have you been all day long?"

BOB: "BUT HONEY! The rest of the day it was hit the ball and drag Fred. Hit the ball and drag Fred.

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