With the G.A.S.P. trophy, freshly sanitized after this stomach-turning scene from last year, ready to grace another course (and new homes), it is time to pass on what is known about this year’s event.

      Joe and Lyle, the Dynamic Duo, have been very busy planning the tournament.  So far they have made one phone call to book our tee times on Friday, June 23, and Sunday, June 25, both at the Lacombe Golf and Country Club.  Unfortunately, the course is completely booked on the Saturday, so they are looking elsewhere for a course available to us on this day.  Innisfail, Red Deer, and Ponoka are possibilities, but we won’t know until they make that second call.  Camping facilities are available in Lacombe, but as yet nothing is confirmed other than the fact that we will be camping rather than staying in condos (in Lacombe?) or hotels.  So be prepared to cozy up to the fire with a dozen or so of your favourite brews and relive each aching moment from the previous round.  With Jack and Malcolm apparently backing out of the tournament this year, we may be looking for another golfer or two to join us.  Be sure to explain our $100 entry fee ($200 for ex-Corlac officers or its employees), payable to the editor of this rag.  Paper is so expensive these days.  John and Dave will be rejoining us this year, and Robert Fauth might hack his way along with us as well.
     Here’s what I can tell you about the course via the internet.

• Par  71 (Blue:  6374 yd )
• Front:  36 (3055 yd) 
• Back:  35 (3319 yd)
• Cost:  $38 per round.  Cart:  $25.
• Course Address:  1, 6000 - 50th Avenue
• Clubhouse Phone:  782-3956
• Pro Shop Phone:   782-3951
• Facilities Available:   Putting green, licensed   food facility, outdoor patio, driving range.

      Photos, secretly obtained by this reporter, support allegations that a local scientist (who wishes to be referred to as Mr. B, and is pictured below) has reversed the scourge of manhood, inflicting many a golfer at our fine event.  And I’m not talking about enlarged prostates, beer bellies, or bladders that constantly require emptying.  Male Pattern Baldness, or in scientific circles known as “Faichuk Syndrome”, has left too many of us scratching our heads, checking if the last follicle has departed.  But in a local laboratory, Mr. B has demonstrated that this is no longer a worry.  By subjecting himself to his own cure, Mr. B now has the hairstyle last seen in 70’s disco dancers. 

      You know you’re a bad golfer at the G.A.S.P. if …

• You consider a good round one in which you lost only half-a-dozen balls.
• John wants to cart with you so he can verify your score.
• More than once you have attempted to return a club because "somehow it snapped."
• Your ball retriever is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.
• Your playing partners use the term "nice lag" to describe your putts that never reach the hole.
• You have more than thirty balls in your bag and none make a matching set.
• You buy cheap golf balls because you know you will end up losing most of them.
• You are told "you’re still away" more than twice on the same green.
• You only beat Jim by two strokes.

• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Baseball is wrong:  man with four balls cannot walk.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
• Passionate kiss like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.