|
Jokes
|
---> Jokes <---You're probably from Louisiana if... The crawfish mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass. You greet people with "Howz ya momma an' dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!" Every so often, you have waterfront property. When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee". When you refer to a geographical location as "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold" Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under. You've ever had Community Coffee. You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibodeaux, Opelousas, Pontchartrain, and Atchafalaya) You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house. You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen) The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad. You know the definition of "dressed". You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop. The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, Crab and King Cake. The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO. You "wrench" your hands in the "zink" with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off. You're not afraid when someone wants to "axe you something". You go by "ya mom en dems" on Good Friday for family supper. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday. You don't realize until high school what a "county" is. You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads. You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors) You go to buy a new winter coat ( what most people refer to as windbreakers) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled. You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team. You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs. You describe a color as "K&B Purple". You like your rice and politics dirty. When given the choice for Governor between a KKK leader and Edwin Edwards, it's a difficult decision. You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods. You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins". A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat. You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway. You prefer skiing on the bayou. You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard. You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana. Did you know who in 1923 was: These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?1.The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.2.The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3.The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.4.The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5.The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6.The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf.
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a
thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to
his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and
daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up
and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well
I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin
again." The boy says, "That won't work mom, the lady next door comes
by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
SQUIRRELS In the Garden of Eden, Adam had just met Eve and they got talking about sex. Eve was curious about what Adam did to have sex - after all, she was the first woman on earth. So Adam took her by the hand and led her to a nearby tree and showed her a hole in the tree trunk, just about the right height for Adam to thrust his desires away. Smiling, Eve said "Well now you don't have to have sex with the tree because I've got a hole too so why don't you put it in me?" She lay down on her back and opened her legs as wide as they would go. Adam, looking forward to this impending moment of passion, took several steps back. "Come on, big boy!" said Eve. Adam ran towards Eve and..... KICKED her between the legs as hard as he could! "What was that for????" asked Eve. Adam: "Oh, just checking for squirrels......" FOURTYISH A fourtyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?" She says, "I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says "Yeah, right and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied. HELL FREEZES OVER One day a Cajun died and went to Hell. The devil was making his rounds and saw the Cajun over in the corner having a party. "Hey, you!" said the devil. "You're not supposed to be having a good time in Hell. After all, it's burning hot in here." "Oh." said the Cajun. "It's not dat hot in here. It gets dis hot in Louisiana in July." The devil left but was determined to make it uncomfortable for the Cajun, so he turned up the temperature even more. Later the devil passed back by the Cajun and saw him boiling crawfish and having an even better time. "Hey!" said the devil. "You stop that! You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself in here. This is Hell and it's burning hot in here." "It's no big deal. It gets dis hot in Louisiana in August." The devil left very angry and was determined to make him uncomfortable. "Okay," said the devil, I'm going to make it cold." So he turned down the thermostat until it was freezing cold. When he went back by the Cajun, he saw from afar that the Cajun was jumping up and down in a frenzy, throwing up his hands, laughing and smiling. "This is really too much! Why is he so happy?" said the devil. As he got closer to the Cajun he could hear him shouting. "The Saints won the Super Bowl!" TYPICAL MALE DECISION PROCESS
'Twas the week after Christmas and all through the house not one PC was working not even a mouse. I turned on the power but nothing was working I grab the computer and start banging and jerking. I laid out three grand for this big piece of junk. On January 1st the darn thing went "kerplunk"! When I threw it out the window it made such a clatter: my neighbor just called to see what's the matter. I turned on the TV, the cable is down. My microwave oven is making weird sounds. My new VCR is as dead as a rock. Not one light is blinking, not even the clock. It's twenty below the peak of snow season. The furnace won't work, the pipes are all freezing. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. I think I have frostbite on my behind. I laughed for a second and thought it all funny. Then a call from my bank in regards to my money. "We managed your pension and savings with care but for some odd reason your money's not there. We were y2k ready; we'd thought we'd be heroes but regret to inform you your balance is... zero"! I drop the receiver to the bathroom I rush I push down the handle the toilet won't flush. I turned on the faucet not one drop hits the sink I head out the door to the pub for a drink. I jump in the car turn the key in the switch it only goes "click" I scream, and run go jump in the ditch! A computerized ignition has just sealed my fate not set up for the "2000" date. I twitch like a madman this cannot be true no car, heat, or money oh what can I do. Shouting obscenities as I ran out of sight happy y2k to all it's been one heck of a night! PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash." GOLFING HITMAN There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure." So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed. The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like." So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure." So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?" The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!" THE HONEST WIFE A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. " Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt." The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk." ALLIGATOR SHOES A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one. Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either! |