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"Sloppy Joe's, Culver City, California.
About the size of an average Airstream trailer, and glommed on to the side of another building like some concrete parasite, the key word at this watering hole is "Contrast". On any given weekday, you can find businessmen in Armani suits sidling up to the bar next to construction workers and bikers, with everyone harmoniously engaged in one common task: Getting as drunk as possible during their lunch hour before returning to whatever it was they were doing beforehand. If the U.N. ran this smoothly, we could dismantle the world's armies... The owner of the establishment is a fascinating guy, who had served in Korea, and been blown up several times as a member of the U.S. Navy Pacific Fleet's atomic bomb test crew.
| Location | Amibience | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 4.0 | 4.0 | 3.5 | 4.0 | 1.0 | 2.0 | 2.0 | 3.0 | 3.5 |
"The Pen", located in lovely Oildale, California.
Notable as the site where members of Team S&M performed their ground breaking research into a subject that had confounded the greatest minds of science for generations. Specifically, how many liters of beer it takes to cause a 300 lb biker to fall over. The answer, of course, is "Four".
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 4.0 | 3.0 | 3.0 | 4.0 | 3.0 | 3.5 | 4.0 | 3.5 | 4.0 |
"The Edinburgh Pub", Lotte World. Seoul Korea.
The Edinburgh is decorated like an old fashioned Scottish pub that even Sean Connery would be proud of. An establishment of this quality would not normally be referred to as a "Dive Bar", but the following factors have elevated it to such status.
First, C.E.O. Jackson spent a great deal of time drinking there when he was single-handedly building the Lotte World Theme Park back in the 1980s. Second, after having an appointment cancelled, Sir Picklebutt found himself in the very same establishment, swilling beer (Saeng Maekju) and writing tales of Team S&M Lore. The Chairman was just about to elevate the "Ceremonial Libation Containment Device" (lift his beer mug) when a cockroach ran across the bar top in front of him, grabbed a peanut and ran back from whence it came! OK, perhaps the peanut is overselling it a bit, but a big cockroach did make a short lived dash across the bar before becoming a shock absorber (and a lovely coaster) for his descending beer mug. Not to be outdone, his brother made the same ill fated attempt moments later.
During hours of swilling and writing, the Chairman had noticed a inappropriately dressed fellow sitting a few stools down, guzzling beer quite seriously. He seemed out of place, but wasn't bothering any of the denizens. He got up, leaving a shopping bag of some sort resting on his stool. Heading out the front door, (without paying) he was stopped by the manager. He mumbled something about toilet, pointed at the bag (as security) and disappeared into the crowd. The manager, not sure what was going on, quickly examined the parcel. He found another empty bag inside the first! The Chairman, always open to new educational experiences, thought "Hmm, pretty good scam, I'll have remember that one..."
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 3.5 | 2.0 | 2.0 | 3.5 | 2.0 | 0.0 | 3.0 | 2.0 | 3.0 |
"The Nashville", Seoul, South Korea.
Located in the basement of a row of shops in the Itaewon District (home of the U.S. 8th Army, the largest massing of foreign soldiers in the world..), it is a haven for expatriates, visitors, and military grunts alike. The establishment is run by an ex-U.S. Army officer, although (due to bizarre Korean regulations barring foreign ownership of local businesses,) his wife is the legal proprieter. His connections with the 8th Army have been most beneficial to his operation, allowing him to obtain the same Prime Grade beef for his hamburgers as that offered the fighting men of the U.S. military force in Seoul. And what hamburgers they are! In a country dominated by soy meat and Kimchi (rotten spicy fermented cabbage...), these are the Cadillac of the ground/pressed/fried beef world. A few years ago, a french fry machine was brought in to complete the "American Experience". The bar plays country music in the front area, and top-rate movies in the back.
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 4.5 | 4.0 | 3.5 | 4.0 | 4.0 | 4.0 | 2.5 | 3.5 | 4.0 |
"Three Points", Three Points, California.
Situated at the intersection of 3 country roads (thus the name) near Lake Elizabeth, this stood as a shining example of what a dive bar might aspire to. Actually a multi-function space, the establishment served as the watering hole, general store, post office, library book dropoff, video game arcade, pool hall, performing arts center and gas station for the local community, as well as the primary residence of its owners. The gastonomic specialty of the house was a masterpiece known as the 'Mountain Burger", and was best enjoyed while playing a few matches on the warped pool table, or engaging in a spirited 1-on-1 on the 15 year-old, never-before-heard-of, often-malfunctioning video game. To place this establishment's importance into perspective, realize that the concept of "Night Death" was born here. Sadly, the bar has changed ownership (twice...) since those halcyon days, and is currently but a shell of its former self.
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 5.0 | 4.0 | 4.5 | 4.0 | 4.5 | 4.0 | 2.0 | 5.0 | 5.0 |
"Owl's Barn", Fraiser Park, California.
Resembling a tiny, dilapidated tool shed leaning against a large mound of rocks, this establishment was found (as in many cases) purely by accident during a Team S&M adventure. The fact that it's run by a decrepit old codger with a huge cancerous tumor on his bottom lip only scratches the surface of this alcoholic outpost. Most importantly, it appears to be the only gathering spot for the collection of half-wits, anti-socials, and outcasts who inhabit the surrounding countryside, thus allowing Team S&M members to play hours of "What's Your Malfunction?" and Team S&M disinformation scenarios with the unsuspecting locals.
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 5.0 | 4.5 | 4.5 | 5.0 | 3.0 | 3.0 | 2.0 | 4.0 | 4.0 |
"The George Inn", London, England
Located just down the way from the London Bridge, and built sometime in the mid 1600's, this establishment has stood as an example of what a good bar / tavern / ale house should be since Before Disneyland Existed!!... Now that's old... Technically speaking, The George is a carriage house, the large attached courtyard being where patrons once parked their carriages while getting too drunk to leave, whereupon they went upstairs to the boarding rooms on the 3rd floor. Nowadays, you park on the street or walk from the underground, and are immediately thrown some 300-plus years into the past. Apart from the addition of a few standard pub-issue gambling machines, very little has changed from those days, and the effect is that of getting hammered on Guiness and Bass in a dilapidated English museum.
One note of caution: Whether sitting inside or out, face away from the hideous modernish buildings that have been erected across the courtyard from this fine alcoholic emporium... it just kills the effect.
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 4.0 | 4.5 | 5.0 | 4.0 | 2.5 | 3.0 | 2.0 | 4.0 | 4.0 |
"The Cowboy Saloon", Seoul, South Korea.
One of the most famous Hostess Bars in East Asia, The Cowboy is outfitted with the full complement of officially authorized Korean "Stand Bar"* accoutremants:
The Cowboy was off limits to Sir Jackson for some time, due to the fact that one of the hostesses there (who he was actually dating at the time) witnessed him fondling a hostess (from another bar) on the street below her. Fortunately, career longevity is not one of the primary characteristics of a "Buy-Me-Drinky" girl, so the coast is once again clear.
*The term "Stand Bar" refers to the early days of Korean hostess bars, when the male patrons would stand at the bar drinking, while they were "serviced" by a female kneeling under the bar. Things are much more low-key these days...
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 4.5 | 4.0 | 3.5 | 3.5 | 4.0 | 4.0 | 3.5 | 4.5 | 4.0 |
"East of Eden" and "Your Place or Mine", Seoul, South Korea.
See everything written about "The Cowboy"...except the part about being off limits to CEO Jackson... he was loved at these two establishments...
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 5.0 | 4.5 | 3.5 | 4.0 | 4.5 | 5.0 | 4.5 | 5.0 | 5.0 |
"Mad Dog's", Hong Kong.
Best known to Team S&M members as the location of one of the most twisted, vile (and enjoyable) New Year's eve celebrations in history. In fact, when Sir Jackson finally awoke at 4:30PM on New Year's day, he paid the bar his highest compliment, by staggering back to its entrance, and urinating on the front door, thus stamping it with the Team S&M "Seal of Excellence". This fine establishment embodies the British spirit of DRINK/GO OUTSIDE TO VOMIT/DRINK SOME MORE perhaps better than any in Hong Kong.
| Location | Amibiance | Decor | Denizens | Recreation | Music | Bar Fights | Restrooms | Overall Ranking |
| 4.5 | 4.5 | 3.0 | 4.0 | 3.5 | 4.0 | 4.0 | 3.0 | 4.0 |
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