Sports Sex Metaphors

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

• First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
• Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
• Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
• Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

On Deck - Having plans for a date

Strike-Out - Duh!!

Walk - Kissing

Bunt - Masturbation

Single - Tongue kissing

Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

Inside the park home run - Oral Sex

Home Run - SEX!

Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom

Error - Condom breaks during sex

Banned for life for gambling - Sex without a condom

Hall of Fame - Marriage

Balk - Premature ejaculation

Pine Tar - KY jelly

Relief pitcher - Vibrator

Rain Delay - Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

Box Seats - Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions

Rookie - Virgin

Minor Leagues - Under 18

Loaded Bases - manage a trois

Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours

Foul tip - VD

Stealing A Base - Unwanted Progression - Can Get You Thrown Out.

Stealing Home - Rape

Three up and three down - Impotency

Football Sex Metaphors

With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball and not football.

Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor.

No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football.

WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if you're not on the field, get on)

your 10 yard line ............. holding hands

your 20 yard line ............. hugging

your 30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek

your 40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips

MIDFIELD............. tongue kissing (you're in serious territory)

his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off

his/her 30 yard line ............. all clothes off

his/her 20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)

1ST AND GOAL............. put on the condom

GOAL LINE............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)

NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.

kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)

kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end)

on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, On side kicks are good if they work but are risky)

kick return...............How far you get on the first date

NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.

Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with her, In Canada, you get two downs and then you best kick ie. ask out a new girl cause you ain't getting further with this one. Americans are more patient, they get three downs before they should kick again.

Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.

Passing Play..............Skipping stages

Fumble....................Impotence

Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection

Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!! STOP!!)

OTHER DEFINITIONS

Turnover..................Anal sex

Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range begins around their 30, when the clothes are off!)

Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts

Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards

Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number

High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms

Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home

Pile Up...................ORGY

Missed Field Goal.........Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short!

3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks)

THE OFFENSE

Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary

Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions

Center (HUPPER)............Doggie Style

Running Back..............A hand-off

Tight End.................Self Explanatory

Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End

Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)

DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)

Defensive Line............Condom

Break in the defense......Condom breaks

The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)

A Blitz...................A "Quickie"

PENALTIES

Roughing..................S & M

Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints

Offside...................Premature Ejaculation

THE BOWLS

Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)

Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex

Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex

Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America

Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)

Hula Bowl.................(Use your imagination)