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Shack
Attack!
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First,
the Shack F.M. Sports News... with
Super Pa!
In a novel attempt
to attract extra sponsorship, Drogheda United have started a sponsor a
booking scheme. If successful, expect other clubs to follow suit.
Cobh Ramblers have
failed in their attempts to sign an experienced striker. Busty Betty said
she never plays in front of small crowds.
Drogheda United
fan to his wife: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed
to what?"
What do you
call an intelligent man on the terraces of United Park?
A visiting
fan.
Why are a Drog's
fans Craptown jokes so short?
So Drog fans
can remember them.
12 reasons why coffee
is better than an Athlone Town supporter.
1. Its dark &
its good looking.
2. Its rich.
3. Its better
company.
4. It smells nice.
5. Its there when
the going gets tough.
6. Coffee doesn't
sing 'De Town'.
7. You can have
a cup whenever you like.
8. Coffee doesn't
fart or burp.
9. Coffee is strong.
10. Coffee doesn't
throw rocks at people.
11. Coffee isn't
always thick.
12. Coffee only
looks like s**t.
10 Things
you didn't know about the FAI National League 1st Division
1. National newspapers
only publish articles about First Division matches when they have nothing
else to fill the page with.
2. When a First Division
club beats a Premier Division club in a cup match they are called "Giant
Killers".
3. When a First Division
club draws with a Premier Division club in a cup match they are called
"defensive".
4. When a First Division
club goes down to a Premier Division club in a cup match they are called
"brave".
5. When a First Division
club makes it to the second round of the FAI Cup, the players are "only
out to enjoy themselves".
6. First Division
clubs are always "underdogs".
7. Any First Division
club who have a clubhouse are "progressive".
8. Any First Division
club with more than nine players from Dublin are "experienced".
9. Any First Division
club with no players from Dublin are "cash starved".
10. When a First Division
Club is promoted to the Premier Division, it is inevitable that "they will
find it tough against the big boys in Irish soccer"
And
now for all you Waterford, Bohemians and Sligo fans...
10 good
reasons to look forward to a season in the 1st division.
1. A chance to see
other grounds around the country.
2. No more dull matches
against Bray Wanderers (probably the most boring footballers in the world){this
was Nov 1992!}
3. A genuine chance
to top the league!
4. No relegation worries
as there is no division to drop into.
5. No more embarrassing
defeats by Shelbourne.
6. The defenders can
mark players as clumsy as themselves.
7. No more long away
journeys to Derry City.
8. No hassle from
Shamrock Rovers 'supporters'.
9. No parking difficulties
due to lack of large crowds.
10. And finally, the
oppurtunity to admire the fine skills of Longford Town.
... and
10 bad ones
1. No television coverage
of home games.
2. No visiting supporters
to compete with.
3. Long trips to Cobh,
.
4. Possibility of
losing to St.Francis
5. Possibility of
never being promoted.
6. Possibility of
Longford and St. Francis going up.
7. Possibility of
Bray and Drogheda coming down.
8. No chance of our
annual thrashing of Sligo Rovers.
9. Poor media attention.
1 0.
Arrgh! Applying for re-election to the National League of Ireland.
An A to
Z of Irish Football
{once again courtesy
of SRO - some changed/updated by me!} [that was in 1996!!!]
---
A - is for Athlone
Town with its fine tradition of defensive football and offensive supporters.
B - is for Bohemians,
the Dublin northsiders who like beating us 3-nil.
C - is for Cork City
who always seem to get cold feet when they are given opportunities on a
silver plate. D - is for Derry City who have friendly supporters and not
so friendly players.
E - is for Ennis where
I rather be than watching Drogheda United. F - is for Farm. Home Farm -
the urban club with the rural name.
G - is for Galway
United where goals are scored every 850 minutes.
H - is for Harps.
Finn Harps with their bizarre name and a habit of blowing their promotion
chances.
I - is for Ireland
- a team of Englishmen with Irish Grannies and big wallets.
J - is for James Gate
who are sponsered by Guinness. Need I say more.
K - is for Kilkenny
which is more famous for its hurlers than soccer players, but they still
had their web site up before us! (cringe!)
L - is for Limerick.
Enough said.
M - is for Monaghan
where an away trip to Dublin is a home game in disguise. N - is for notorious
which is a fair description of Cobh Ramblers disciplinary record. O - is
for Oriel Park where Dundalk players kick footballs and Dundalk supporters
kick heads.
P - is for Pats. St
Patricks Athletic aka Former Galway United. FREE THE RICHMOND FOUR!
Q - is for quiet -
an accurate description of business at a Longford turnstile.
R - is for Rovers.
Shamrock Rovers, built on tradition and destroyed by the Kilcoyne family.
S - is for Sligo -
once considered to be just another Dublin suburb.
T - is for Tolka Park
- home of Shelbourne where standing is prohibited.
U - is for useless
- a perfect description of an average Bray Wanderers striker.
V - is for very bad
attendances - coming to a ground near you - soon! (argh! First Division
football!)
W - is for Waterford
United who play on a running track and spectators stand in the mud.
X - is x-files which
might describe the investigation into the FAI.
Y - is for yell. Something
we don't do too much at Terryland.
Z - is for Zebra.
You'll find none of these in Irish football, but you'll find plenty of
sharks.
Sligo Crowers
Membership Form
Application
to Live in 'The Bog' ( ie. Sligo )
.
Name:John:_________________________
Nickname:_________________________________
.
Address (FLOCK No.):_________________--____________________________________
.
.
Daddy (If unknown,
list 3 suspects):______________________________________
.
Mother:_________________________
.
Neck Shade:
_____Light Red _____Medium Red
_____Dark Red
.
Number of teeth exposed
in full grin: Upper_____
Lower_____
.
Name of TRACTOR owned:_______________
Height of Tractor__________
.
Tractor equipped with:
____Gun Rack
____4-Wheel Drive ____Sligo colours
____Cassette Deck
____Load of Wood ____Hijacker
Shocks
____Radar Detector
____Mag Wheels ____Sawdoctors
CDs
____Spitoon
____Campter Top ____Air
Horns
____Mud Flaps
____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires
____goat's hide
____Big Dog
.
Number of empty beer
cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup tractor:_____
.
BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more crow
____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love
Jesus ____If you ain't from Meath you ain't
shit
____Mayo for the cup
____Wave if you're horny
.
Favorite Vocalist:
.
____Margo
____Big Tom
____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams
Jr. ____Brendan Shine ____Ray
Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette
____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson
____Daniel O'Donnell ____Box Car Willie
.
Favorite Recreation:
.
____Line Dancin'
____Sheep-Shaggin' ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin'
____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin'
____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin'
____Noodlin'
____Other
.
Name of Son(s):
____Mick ____Paddy ____Seamus ____Miley
.
Name of Daughter(s):
____Mary ____Biddy
.
Weapons Owned:
.
___Deer Rifle
___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___.22 Rifle ___Underground
Bunker
___Tire Iron
___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle
.
Number of Dogs:____
Type: ___Rothweiler ___Collie
___Alsation ___Mongrel
.
Cap Emblem:
___Guinness
___McCullock Chain Saws
___Budweiser
___Massey Ferguson
___Skoal
___Coors
___Kerry Group ___Smile
if You're Not Wearing
Underwear
.
Number of Dependents:
Legal:________ Claimed:_________
.
Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________
.
Number of Welfare
Cheques Received:____________
.
Memberships:
.
___GAA
___IRA ___Sinn Fein
___AA
___Macnas
___ICA ___Legion
of Mary
.
.
Length of Right leg:________
Length of Left leg:__________
.
Does your truck contain
some part painted the official county color of Rust
Primer Red?
___Yes ___No
.
How many cars do you
have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______
.
How many kitchen appliances
will you keep on your front porch?__________
.
Will you wear mostly
double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________
.
Do you own any wellies?
____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________
.
What year did you
last purchase shoes?_________________
.
Are you married to
any of the following:
.
____Sister
____Cousin ____Sow
.
Do you know her name?________________
.
Does your wife weigh
more than your tractor?____________
.
Can you sign your
name and get the spelling right every time?____________
.
Have you ever stayed
sober for a whole weekend?________________
.
If so, why?______________________________________________________________
.
Can you count:
Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
To 21 with your fly up?_____________________
.
Do you know any words
that have more than four letters?__________________
.
Have you ever had
more than one bath in a week?__________________________
.
Medical Information:
.
Do you have at least
two of the following:
.
___B.O.
___Crabs ___Head Lice
___Sheep Lice
___Trench Mouth ___Runny
Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing
.
And remember,
Ignorance solves problems, if you can`t see them, they can`t see
you!
The
Shack