My views about the world

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DILBERT

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Here is a list of misc. thoughts, quotes, and lines I have accumulated over the years. Some are words of wisdom, some simply humorous, and still others just fleeting thoughts.



Promise me, Pooh, that you won't forget me ever, because if I thought you would I wouldn't leave. -- Christopher Robin

You can lead a heart to love but you can't make it fall. -- George Strait in "You Can't Make a Heart Love Somebody"

You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize. -- Reservoir Dogs

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

It's easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various occasions they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." -- Seinfeld (in honor of RAFAEL, who has an unnatural obsession with squirrels)

Puppy love is real to the puppy.

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument. -- William G. McAdoo

There is a difference between not thinking of someone and forgetting him. -- Werner Kraus

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -- Erica Mann Jong

There are times when forgetting can be just as important as remembering, and even more difficult. -- Harry & Joan Miller

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. -- Pablo Picasso

What do butterflies get in their stomachs when they are nervous? -- Mary H. Waldrip

Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart. -- Charles Dickens

Don't overanalyze your marriage; it's like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how the roots are growing. -- Nash

We've taught our children in driver's education what to do in the front seat, and now we've got to teach them what to do in the back seat. -- Jocelyn Elders

Never look for a worm in the apple of your eye. -- Langston Hughes

That which we call sin in others is experiment for us. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

LOVERS SHOULD NOT SEPARATE FROM EACH OTHER AFTER MAKING LOVE WITHOUT ADMIRING EACH OTHER, WITHOUT BEING CONQUERED AS WELL AS CONQUERING, SO THAT NO FEELING OF SATIATION OR DESOLUTION ARISES, NOR THE HORRID FEELING OF MISUSING OR HAVING MISUSED. -- Herman Hesse

School is the battlefield for your heart. -- Angela, My So-Called Life

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

My heterosexuality is just a phase. -- dedicated to those who claim that people aren't really homosexual, but they are just asking for attention

KINKY AS A PUBIC HAIR -- a bumpersticker from Spencer's that was just too funny!

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. -- George MacDonald

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent't looking, men kick cats.

A career is a wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night. -- Marilyn Monroe

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to convince my wife to marry me. -- Winston Churchill

If you want to be loved by someone who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. -- Jeanne, 8 -- how sad

It's a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing milkbone underwear. -- Norm Peterson, Cheers

Life's a bitch; now, so am I. -- Catwoman, Batman Returns

-- Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
-- Catwoman: A kiss can be deadlier if you mean it.
-- Batman Returns

Shouldn't you be holding a crucifix? It is the prop for martyrs. -- Armand, The Birdcage

-- Ugarte: You despise me, don't you?
-- Rick Blaine: If I gave you any thought, I probably would.
-- Casablanca

You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet. -- Cher, about her virginity, Clueless

Childhood's over the moment you know you're gonna die. -- The Crow

-- Boss: I'm just doing my job, Luke.
-- Luke: Calling it your job don't make it right, Boss.
-- Cool Hand Luke

Like most intellectuals, he's intensely stupid. -- Marquise de Merteuil, Dangerous Liaisons

You see, I have no plans to break down her morals. I want her to believe in love and virtue and the sanctity of marriage, and still not be able to stop herself. I want the pleasure of watching her betray everything that is important to her. -- Vicomte de Valmont, Dangerous Liaisons

Give me the strength to be what I was, and forgive me for what I am. -- El Mariachi, Desperado

The baby was on time. The wedding was late. Forget it. -- A Dear Abby answer to a woman who was worried about her grandchild being born so soon after her son's wedding

You say potato, I say french fry. You say tomato, I say ketchup.

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

You see an attractive person walking by, you can't just jump that person and start pleasing yourself -- regardless of what fraternity you belong to! -- regarding Freud and Sigma Phi Epsilon

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin

-- Lady Astor: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
-- Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

Like a midget in a urinal, I had to keep on my toes. -- Frank Drebin, Naked Gun:33 1/3

The joy built upon successful slaughter is not the right kind of joy. -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas"

Surely the beautiful nudes can just wander about, offering themselves to the hunger of the needy and the rapture of the flesh. -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas"

I'm a saint, not a martyr. -- from "Poltergeist: The Series"

I've been called many things, but never a good Catholic girl! I'm Jewish!!! -- overheard

Losing a little pride is a whole lot better than staring at a turned head in bed. -- Bonnie Fuller, Editor-in-Chief of Cosmo

-- Salesclerk(SC): May I help you?
-- Desparate Man(DM): Uhhh...
-- SC: Perhaps a dress?
-- DM: Uh-huh
-- SC: What's her size?
-- DM: She wears a size 5 bowling shoe.
-- Cosmo's Mark Golin, explaining to women what men go through each year Christmas shopping, saying we should go ahead and tell them what we want because they have absolutely no idea what to buy

Isn't it splendid there are so many things to like in this world? -- Anne, Anne of Green Gables, chapter 2

A child takes so many things for granted. With time, you start to ask questions. -- Smilla, Smilla's Sense of Snow

IT WILL NEVER BE EASY FOR ME TO WATCH MEN CRY. MAYBE BECAUSE I KNOW HOW FATAL CRYING IS TO THEIR SELF-RESPECT. -- Smilla, Smilla's Sense of Snow

Maybe falling in love, the piercing knowledge that we ourselves will someday die...are in reality not some sudden events; maybe they are always present. Maybe they never vanish, either. -- Smilla, Smilla's Sense of Snow

Donating sperm does not make you a daddy. -- a psychologist on Ricki Lake, analyzing a couple in which a child is involved

SOME PEOPLE SAY FORGIVE & FORGET; I SAY FORGET ABOUT FORGIVING & JUST ACCEPT. -- Debbie Newberry, Grosse Pointe Blank

CHRIST DIED FOR OUR SINS. DARE WE MAKE HIS MARTYRDOM MEANINGLESS BY NOT COMMITTING THEM? -- Jules Feiffer

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. -- Robert Heinlein, author of Starship Troopers

Love is how we call our ignorance of what whips us. -- John Barth, Lost in the Funhouse

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I love defenseless animals -- especially in a good gravy.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME DON'T HAVE FILM.

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

Energizer Bunny Arrested - Charged With Battery. -- fake headline

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I'd rather be dead than be a necrophiliac.

Carribean Amphibian -- song by Jimmy Buffet about Kermit the Frog

True love is friendship set on fire. -- French proverb

My immunity is the Wal-Mart brand. -- Rafael and I talking about my immunity to everything and his nonexistant one

A beautiful girl is all powerful and that is as good as love gets. -- Paul, Beautiful Girls

"hot beef injection" = sex -- The Breakfast Club

In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking in the teacher's manual

In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat guys on their way home when the bars close.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You know you're too drunk when your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

THE SOONER YOU FALL BEHIND, THE MORE TIME YOU HAVE TO CATCH UP.

hookers = professional intimacy consultants -- Sybil

Not a ray of light will show / As the danger begins to grow -- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Candy is dandy / But liquor is quicker -- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

WHAT THE LIPS DENY THE PULSE CONFESSES. -- Tartuffe

World's longest movie title -- Night of the Dawn of the Son if the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil Mutant, Hellbound, Zombified, Flesh-Eating Sub-Humanoid Living Dead, Part 4

Dry sand is heavier than wet sand.

A parking spot on E. 60th St. in New York City is $1212/mo!

It takes a larger portion of the brain to control the movements of the thumb than to control the chest & abdomen.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. -- Jarger

Our love is like a red, red rose / And I am a little horny. -- The Mask in The Mask

PC for virgin: hymenally challenged

Kill my boss? You dare me to live out the American dream? -- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw a perfume on the violet,
To smooth the ice, or add another hue
Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish,
Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.
--William Shakespeare, King John

Oh! death will find me long before I tire Of watching you.
--Rupert Brooke, Sonnet

Across the fields of yesterday
He sometimes comes to me,
A little lad just back from play-
The lad I used to be.
--T. S. Jones, Jr., Sometimes

Stop that rhyming now, I mean it / Anybody want a peanut? -- The Princess Bride

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. -- Dave Barry

Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. -- Dave Barry

Living in a vacuum sucks. -- Adrienne Gusoff

I rely on my personality for birth control. -- Liz Winston

Once a woman has forgiven a man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. -- Marlene Dietrich

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat. -- Katharine Whitehorn

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -- Phyllis Diller

My favorite animal is steak. -- Fran Lebowitz

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy. -- Cythina Nelms

When two hearts make a stand together on the solid rock of trust, they can be a million miles from each other, and still be side by side in love. -- Tracy Byrd, Big Love

-- Jack: Let me copy your math homework.
-- Homo: No, but I'll show you how to do the problems.
-- Jack: I say I'm thirsty and you offer me a sandwich. Thank you, and f**k you.
-- This Boy's Life

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

First rule in governemt spending: Why build one thing when you can have two at twice the price? -- S.R. Hadden, Contact

The fishing boats were all out. They had gone out in the dark with the first rising of the breeze and the young man and the girl had wakened and heard them and then curled together under the sheet of the bed and slept again. They had made love when they were half awake with the light bright outside but the room still shadowed and then had lain together and been happy and tired and then made love again. Then they were so hungry that they did not think they would live until breakfast and now they were in the cafe eating and watching the sea and the sails and it was a new day again.
"What were you thinking?" the girl asked.
"Nothing."
"You have to think something."
"I was just feeling."
"How?"
"Happy."
-- from Hemingway's The Garden of Eden

The dignity of movement of an ice-berg is due to only one-eighth of it being above the water. -- Hemingway's Death in the Afternoon, his "Theory of Omission"

Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly. -- LLM

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you're gonna be a cowgirl, you gotta ride a pony. -- inside joke between Rafael and me

To the nuptial bow'r I led her blushing like the morn. -- Milton

...a man likes a wife to be fat and plump, for he then experiences, when he sleeps with her, a pleasure which he does not have with a thin woman. -- Arab Book of Marriage, 11th century

One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in love again. -- Judith Viorst

Make sure you never, never agrue at night. You just lose a good night's sleep, and you can't settle anything until morning anyway. -- Rose Kennedy

Hogamus, higamus, men are polygamous Higamus, hogamus, women monogamous
First man on earth wanted to cuddle with first woman. First woman refused. Preferred to stay alone. Woman hollowed out a hole in ground and water filled hole. Then first man made thatched roof over woman for rain-proof hut. First woman liked it a lot, so she stayed and cuddled with first man forever. -- How the first household was set up, according to West Africa's Diola people

Originally. the master of the gods created human beings as hermaphrodites, with two heads, four arms, four legs, etc., and two sexes all in one. But these creatures became so powerful that their creator, fearing their strength. sliced them in half -- into male and female, as we are now. Ever since then, each human being, sensing it is incomplete, keeps searching for its other halh until it finally discovers the right one, combines with it, and becomes whole at last. -- Plato's explanation why people fall in love and marry, accroding to his Symposium

Mrs. Vandervere gave instructions to a painter starting to do her portrait. "I don't own any jewels, but please paint some into the portrait. Show me wearing a triple-strand pearl necklace (make it look genuine, of courses), a smashing emerald and pearl bracelet, diamond and pearl pendant earrings set in platinum and, oh yes, platinum rings with large precious stones." "But Mrs. Vandervere," said the painter, "you obviously don't care much for jewelry. Why do you want all that in th e painting?" "Becasue if I die before my husband does I want his next wife to go nuts trying to find where all those jewels are hidden.

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
-- Odgen Nash

We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Mother Teresa

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. -- Abraham Lincoln

You kiss me like a lover; then you sting me like a viper.... -- Indigo Girls, Ghost

I can't do the talks like they talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song like the way it was meant to be
I can't do everything but I'll do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you
-- Indigo Girls, Romeo and Juliet

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. -- Jack Handy

I have to go now, Clarice. I'm having an old friend for dinner. -- Hannibal Lechter, The Silence Of The Lambs

If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer. -- Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? -- Batman

You gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite? -- Mr. Blonde, Reservoir Dogs

I feel the need; the need for speed! -- Maverick and Goose, Top Gun

Well I believe in the soul... the cock...the pussy... the small of a woman's back... the hangin' curveball... high fiber... good scotch... that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent overrated crap... I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Goodnight. -- Kevin Costner, Bull Durham

When a woman stops doing something sexually, it means you stopped doing something emotionally. -- Adam Corolla, Loveline

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. -- former Vice-President Quayle

The justice system moves swiftly, now that they've abolished all the lawyers. -- Emmett Brown talking about the year 2015 in Back to the Future: Part II

People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand. -- Lewis Rothschild, The American President

I've always held that early marriage is a sure indication of second-rate goods that had to be sold in a hurry. -- Morgan Harris, Anne of Avonlea

Live it first, then write it down before you go. -- Jimmy Buffett, on how any good romantic should look at his life

I HAVE BEEN TOO WARPED BY CATHOLICISM NOT TO BE CYNICAL. -- Jimmy Buffett

Anyone bellying up to a bar with a few shots of tequila swimming around the bloodstream can tell a story. -- Jimmy Buffett

Make a little room in your plans for romance again, Anne, girl. All the degrees and scholarships in the world can't make up for the lack of it. -- Aunt Josephine, Anne of Green Gables

I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. Green is ten times worse. -- Anne Shirley, Anne of Green Gables

I like people who make me like them. Saves me so much trouble forcing myself to like them. -- Aunt Josephine, Anne of Green Gables

Wealth can be very empty when you don't have someone to share it with. But by the time I realized that, no one would have me... except men who wanted my money more than I did. -- Aunt Josephine, Anne of Green Gables

People who talk in metaphors should have to shampoo my crotch. -- Melvin Udall, As Good as it Gets

-- Vanessa: Oh Austin, that's you in a nutshell.
-- Austin: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell?"
-- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

-- Marcus: You mean, y'all paid, what, $80,000 for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?!
-- Mike: It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. Limited edition.
-- Marcus: You damn right it's limited! No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the balls just draggin' the fuck along.
-- Bad Boys

My wife knows I'm no bitch. I'm a bad boy! -- Marcus, Bad Boys

A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming. -- Barbarella

Some cultures are defined by their relationship to cheese. -- Joon, Benny and Joon

Now I know what you boys were doing in the sixth grade when the girls were in the auditorium getting the hygeine lecture. You were learning sports metaphors. -- Lois Lane, Superman: the Series

-- Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think.
-- Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum.
-- The Birdcage

It's fine Scottish weather we're having. The rain is falling straight down and kind of to the side-like. -- William Wallace, Braveheart

I hope you washed your ass this morning; it's about to be kissed by a king. -- English Commander, Braveheart

I don't know any lepers, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their f**king clubs. -- Bender, The Breakfast Club

-- Andrew: What do you need a fake ID for?
-- Brian: So I can vote!
-- The Breakfast Club

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