The Earth is like a bad drink, it's to watered down.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape!
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains; a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Keep working the people on welfare depend on you.
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
Remember my name-you'll be screaming it later.
Of course I look busy...I did it right the first time.
You have the right to remain silent so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
How can I miss you if you won't go away.
Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide bodies
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear
I hate everybody, and your next.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
I'm multi-talented: I can walk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
And your point is....
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like his passengers....
Montana ---At least our cows are sane.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile you Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who put "stop payment" on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from1
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in Calendars are closer than they appear.
Keep honking...I'm reloading
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
If you are psychic--think "HONK."
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Save the whales! Collect the entire set!
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswomen, 'Where is the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
VISUALIZE PARKING
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Been There - Shit Happened
Boldly Going Nowhere
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Don't laugh, your daughter may be inside - (on a custom van)
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Honk if anything falls off
Honk if you're ontologically alienated
How can I get in your way when you don't even have one?
I brake for no apparent reason
I don't brake.
Iconoclast
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
Karmically Challenged
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
My other car has bumperstickers, too
My son isn't an honor student he plays hockey
Post Cool
Question Appearances
Question Authority
Question Reality
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
So many pedestrians so little time
Subvert the Dominant Paradigm
This bumpersticker exploits illiterates
This is it, I don't have another car.
This is Not an Abandoned Vehicle - on an old, rusted-out car with 2 plastic bags taped over where the rear windows used to be, parked in a shopping center.
Today's Mood: Irritable
Warning! I brake for hallucinations
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Welcome to California. Now Go Home.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Cats...the other white meat.

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