I seem to be on everyone's Joke List, so I decided to post some
of the better ones from my archive on this page. I have no plans to go through &
categorize them. Some of these may not be suitable for small children or the
faint of heart. If you see something that you think might offend you, skip it.
Aliens
If you are from the northern states and planning on
visiting or moving to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt
to the difference in lifestyles:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not
buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all
ya'll's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for
"Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in
"big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their
Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this,"
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words
he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is
the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are
proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is
to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept
them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical
Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by
the world
famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number,
we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my
parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I
have plenty of money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The
bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his
valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it
instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call
you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape
deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave
your message, just hold it up to the phone.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give
to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and
can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a
message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, sleepy now. You
are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear
the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now
being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers
will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you
say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're
doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you.
Top 20 Signs A Redneck Is Working The
Computer In Your Office
1.The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack is mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck.
8.Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13.Jeff Foxworthy .wavs.
14.The monitor is up on blocks.
15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the
background.
18.The six front keys have rotted out.
19.John Deer Pocket Protectors.
What They Really Wanted To Say
The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories.
--Sam Donaldson
If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not
adultery, he'd even have my vote.
--Newt Gingrich
What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did it.
--Kenneth Starr
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury.
--Monica Lewinsky
Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?
--Marv Albert
The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person
who had oral sex with the intern.
--OJ Simpson
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have
sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
--Vernon Jordan
The president should take up skiing.
--Al Gore
If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker.
--Saddam Hussein
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked.
--George Stephanopoulos
In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the
zipper.
--Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright
Important memo from an up and coming software company.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently
building a data center that will contain data that is Year 2000 (Y2K) compliant. The
program is referred to as the "Millennium Year Application Software System"
(MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all
employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the
networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have
come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in
MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical people are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just
last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say
"I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything into MYASS before." I volunteered
to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and that she was actually
looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and
Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I
am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the
future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as
you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want to into MYASS. As MYASS
grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see
a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company. In a recent
audit, an employee was asked where he had secured the numbers on the report. He proudly
exclaimed "I just pulled them out of MYASS."
Talking Frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If
you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again
and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay
with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with
you and do anything you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the
frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with
you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends,
but a talking frog is really cool."
The Great Programming Contest
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on
for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the
contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I
have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an
angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner
"Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of
laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your
dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for
it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the
boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added,
"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed
him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say:
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
"Duct tape won't fix that."
"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
"We don't keep firearms in this house."
"Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?"
"You can't feed that to the dog."
"No kids in the back of the pickup, it's not safe."
"Wrasslin's fake."
"I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
"Who's Richard Petty?"
"Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
"Deer heads detract from the decor."
"Spittin' is such a nasty habit."
"Trim the fat off that steak."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
"I've got it all on a floppy disk."
"Unsweetened tea tastes better."
"Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
"My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's"
"I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
"Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams."
"Checkmate."
"She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
"Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
"Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen."
"I don't have a favorite college team."
"Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin."
"Elvis who?
And the number one thing you will NEVER hear a southerner say:
"I couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today"
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter
pilot, asking him how it was in the war.
"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts.
Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."
"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should
explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane."
"Vell, ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were
Messerschmitt's."
A Story With A Moral
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the
class go home and think of a story and then conclude with 'the moral of that story'.
The following day, when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story,
little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken
eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit
a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher
asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one
basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My Uncle Ted was a Marine and fought in Vietnam; his plane was
shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer,
a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he
landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun,
but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade
on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there could possibly be any moral, to his
story. Billy replies, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Subject: Top 50 OXYMORONS: (JFYI, an oxymoron is a word
combined from contradictory terms, such as "bitter sweet".)
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Civil war
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Awfully good
And the Number one top Oxymoron...
1. Microsoft Works
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WORK IN THE NINETIES
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their
process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town
within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night
plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
And, the number one sign you work in the nineties...
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
An Interesting Story -
Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the
best documented, the most disturbing and the most difficult to explain ...
... The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 years before Christ. When she died, she was
laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the
Nile.
In the late 1890s, five rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were
invited to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess of
Amen-Ra. They drew lots. The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had the coffin
taken to his hotel. A few hours later, he was seen walking out towards the desert. He
never returned.
The next day, one of the remaining 3 men was shot by an Egyptian servant accidentally .
His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated. The 3rd man in the foursome found
on his return home that the bank holding his entire savings had failed. The 4th guy
suffered a severe illness, lost his job and was reduced to selling matches in the street.
Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along the way), where
it was bought by a London businessman . After 3 of his family members had been injured in
a road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the British
Museum. As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the truck
suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as the casket was being lifted up
the stairs by 2 workmen, 1 fell and broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect
health, died unaccountably two days later.
Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Room, trouble really started. Museum's
night watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from the coffin. Other
exhibits in the room were also often hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty,
causing the other watchmen to want to quit. Cleaners also refused to go near the Princess.
When a visitor derisively flicked a dustcloth at the face painted on the coffin, his child
died of measles soon afterwards.
Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried down to the
basement, figuring it could not do any harm down there . Within a week, one of the helpers
was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk.
By now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist
photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when he developed it, the painting on
the coffin was that of a horrifying, human face. The photographer was said to have gone
home, locked his bedroom door and shot himself.
Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a private collector. After continued
misfortune (and deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A well known authority on the
occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises. Upon entry, she was sized with a
shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of
incredible intensity".
She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case . "Can you exorcise this evil
spirit ?" asked the owner. "There is no such thing as exorcism. Evil remains
evil forever. Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon
as possible."
But no British museum would take the mummy, the fact that almost 20 people had met with
misfortune, disaster or death from handling the casket, in barely 10 years, was now well
known.
Eventually, a hard-headed American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as quirks
of circumstance), paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its removal to New
York. In Apr 1912, the new owner escorted its treasure aboard a sparkling, new White Star
liner about to make its maiden voyage to New York.
On the night of Apr 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of Amen-Ra
accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic.
The name of the ship was Titanic.
1. When Coors translated its slogan, "Turn it
loose," into Spanish, it first came out as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
"manure stick."
3. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate."
4. In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out
as "eat your fingers off."
5. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" in Chinese became "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave."
6. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the
US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa,
companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since there are hundreds
of languages and dialects but most people can't read more than one.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted
the Pope's visit. However, instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts
read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
8. Some folks from England got a huge laugh from the name of a former airline: The Trump
Shuttle (Donald Trump's airline). They said in England, "trump" is slang for
"fart"!
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning,
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending
on the dialect. Coke
then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le",
translating into "happiness in the mouth" or "may the mouth rejoice."
10. GM's Chevy "Nova" means "won't go" in Spanish.
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have
read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company
thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12. And finally, not even Nike is exempt. Nike had a television commercial for hiking
shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on one
tribesman who speaks in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just do it"
appears on the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says
the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes." Says
Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he said."
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel
absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over
250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight
down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father" said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.
"Well, no" said the man, "you see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet" the man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in
his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the
green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened
off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six
inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When
he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to
no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough,
he falls flat on his
face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the
door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his
bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he
manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as
soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been
out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Moses and Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for
valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied
voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he
heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the
next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a
parrot "Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus."
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the
reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the
guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a
while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to
make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to
cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said
that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important
than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got
married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.
Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl
fainted and fell to the floor. When she regains consciousness, the guy asks, "I told
you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."
The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long."
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly...
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife isn't talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman is early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
A vacationing penquin is driving through Florida when he
notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out from
underneath the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off the penquin goes for a walk around the town. He sees an
ice-cream shop and, being a penquin in Florida, decides that something cold would really
hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat it. Having no
hands he makes a real mess trying to eat it with his little flippers. After finishing his
ice cream, he goes back to the gas station to ask the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says,"It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penquin replies. "It's just ice cream."
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
Ten reasons e-mail is like a penis:
(10)Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
(9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
(8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss
that those who have it make about it.
(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call
"E-mail Envy."
(6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the
survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used
for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrant.
(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason "Why E-mail is like a penis":
(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
REDMOND, Wash.--July 23, 1999--In direct response to
accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it
will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an
undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates. "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S.
President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be
"minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of
Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal
government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest," according to
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will
continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When
asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled
and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a
"proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their
"full support and confidence."
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the
$200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S.
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that
the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing.
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place.
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens
will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all
Microsoft products.
About Microsoft:
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software
for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of
products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the
mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full
power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States:
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history
of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years.
Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered
trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip gets caught in a
unexpectedly strong storm. The plane is buffeted by rain, hail and strong winds. The pilot
deftly tries to navigate the plane through the ever-worsening conditions. The passengers
are nervously consoling each other until they are startled by a large crash as lightning
strikes the end of one of the wings. All the passengers are screaming. They are sure the
plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
As the screams subside but the fear does not, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I
can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a
chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man
enough to make me feel like a woman?!!"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to
walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. Even in the poor
illumination of the plane's emergency lights she can see the striations of his large,
toned muscles. He stands in front of her, powerfully clutching the seat in front of hers
for balance, shirt in hand, and says to her, "Here. Iron this."
One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner
came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the
bartender.
"We got her," replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on
the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two
beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the
right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the
Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How'd ya' know I wanted
to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore,
"but I thought you might like to open those beers first."
Rejected State Mottos
ALABAMA
Literacy Ain't Everything
ARKANSAS
At Least We're Not Oklahoma
CALIFORNIA
Se Habla Ingles
CONNECTICUT
New York City's Other Suburb
FLORIDA
The Gunshine State
IDAHO
Famous Potatoes....and Neo Nazis
ILLINOIS
Gateway To Iowa
INDIANA
Home Of Dan Quayle
KANSAS
Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
KENTUCKY
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
MAINE
For Sale
MARYLAND
We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It
MINNESOTA
Land of 7,000 Lakes and 3,000 Man-Made Ponds
MONTANA
Land Of The Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEW JERSEY
The Garbage State
NEW MEXICO
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NEW YORK
You Have The Right to Remain Silent
You Have The Right To An Attorney
NORTH CAROLINA
Five Million People: Fifteen Last Names
OHIO
Don't Judge Us By Cleveland
OREGON
Jerry Garcia Was Here
PENNSYLVANIA
Cook With Coal
SOUTH DAKOTA
Closer Than North Dakota
TENNESSEE
The Educashun State
TEXAS
Don't Mess With Texas...We're Armed
UTAH
Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus
VIRGINIA
We're Better Than Maryland, Damn it
WEST VIRGINIA
Incest Is Best
Einstein's Speech
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually
found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night
as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his
chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he
was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in
the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of
Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter
formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was
nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said,
"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is
sitting in the back, answer it for me."
SCUBA DIVING
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a
guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver
went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out his slate and wrote, "How the hell are you
able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the slate, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because
the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on
the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf
etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there
and ask those gals to let us play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got
halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do
it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk
to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had
done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, " Small World! "
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the
time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to
six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him
a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest
metropoli.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is
eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice
says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each
city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake.
He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New
York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display
changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the
inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that
can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most
impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size
books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising
in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in
front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it
or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does
so,
she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands
up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping
a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!"
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick
so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on
their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of
the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and
waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he
had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of
earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,
"What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a
woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
Cool Anagrams
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
[From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. = In one of the Bard's
best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how
life turns rotten.
US Presidents
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A. Armstrong
= A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as
lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures
known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and
entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she
couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the
night he couldn't bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was
careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear, and, near dawn, he crept
back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest
with a note on it that read,
"CHINESE TORTURE #1: LARGE ROCK ON CHEST."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so,
he noticed another note on it that read,
"CHINESE TORTURE #2: ROCK TIED TO LEFT TESTICLE."
In a panic he glanced down and saw that the rope was already getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window
after the boulder. As he plummeted twowards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground
that read,
"CHINESE TORTURE #3: RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO BED POST."
THE LADY GAMBLER
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting
around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A
very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on
a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
With that she strips naked and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma
needs a new outfit!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New
York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of
expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,
"Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly
turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get
off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then
bends over and farts and says ... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound."
A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like
to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will
screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog
up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it
financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So
he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went
up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi,
Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for
sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top
of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like
these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased,
"Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're
wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils
ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
Mahatma Ghandi as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, and produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?.......................
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane
asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a
finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates
start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state
trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and
the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your
license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the
car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the
trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole
would've tried that shit with me!"
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking
down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal
in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The
frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals
I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the
next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle. As it appeared, he immediately hopped on it and gunned the
engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he
could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the
bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, dropped the motorcycle into gear, and said "I
wish that the bear was gay..."
A big-time executive walks into a bar and sat down next to
a drunk who was studying, something in his hand. The executive leaned close as the drunk
held the object up to the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said.
Then he rolled it around in his fingers and added, "And it feels like rubber."
Curious, the executive asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk shook his head, "Damned if I know. It looks like plastic and feels like
rubber."
The executive said, "Let me take a look." He examined it, rolled it between his
fingers and said, "Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like
rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied,"Out of my nose."
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our
present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them.
When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose
I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see
them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs
on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers.
Virgins? The
neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some
relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the
inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can
look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times
they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from.
A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's
motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to
dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and
then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible
mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that
when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense
and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's
a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
"Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's
not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about
aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it"
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people
actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day,
however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually
running you over.
CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to
the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the
livingroom. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically,
but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in
the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the
essences of those around them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your
personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon
Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one
exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You
catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the
muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else,
Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to
travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy
or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they
have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best --your friends and loved
ones-- may find that your personality is much too salty, and
their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are
really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead
and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way,
yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure
that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along
well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter
what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you,
too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are
actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire,
some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're
not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost
prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably
want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another,
somewhat kinky, mating possibility.