Aunt Firebrand
Like a mosquito that bites the muscles that strain to loosen an impossibly rusted nut under the car, I have an aunt that pricks me. My aunt Firebrand. The occasion was lunch for my Grandmother's 87th birthday. We were running late, as we often do. Running late, I have always known, is a situation that stresses me. Much of Buddhist practice is just to notice. Noticing things about yourself. I noticed how much I wanted to blame, how much I always want to blame, my wife, when we're running late. But, this time I realized, it's not her fault. It's as much my fault as hers. She was hurrying for me. Any blame, we must take together. So I will not cast any. Realizing this, I thought I was doing good. I had made some progress in dealing with my circumstances. "70 in a 45 is a bit fast", she pointed out. As I slowed, I simply noted that she was right congratulating myself on not having snapped at her. We arrived 45 minutes late. Finding them in the restaurant, the next challenge was, where to sit? Two chairs, at the end, next to my aunt Firebrand. As I put the baby's milk down, aunt Firebrand remarks, "It's a good thing you brought your sippy cup Charlie!" Ignoring this, I ask the waitress for a high chair. Turning back, my wife tells me I missed a "comment". "It's a good thing you brought your sippy cup Charlie!" aunt Firebrand repeats. "I heard you" I state flatly. "He's learned to ignore you, like the rest of us do" another aunt says to Firebrand with a chuckle to smooth the rough edges. Making small talk, looking at the menu, ordering, realizing that insult too, is offense. Hmmm. My sister will soon have a baby. I ask her and my brother-in-law what they are thinking about for names, with the strong intent of only voicing my positive reactions. Aunt Firebrand seems to feel no such restriction. "Don't name her that! That's an old lady name! You can't name her that." "Because you said so?" I barb aunt Firebrand. Lunch having arrived, I become dimly aware of how my aunt Firebrand brings out the worst in me effortlessly. Talking to my cousin, daughter of Firebrand, she is surprised that today I seem "grumpy". I too am surprised -- I do not feel grumpy. Asking how she has been doing, fine. Asking me, "Apparently grumpy" I try to joke, but it comes out as if I feel offended, which I did not. "Sensitive, sensitive" Firebrand chides, another mosquito bite with a venom of embarrassment. "That's just how she is. You know how she is." is all the consolation anyone else in the family would give, all the consolation available. But I do not mention it, because I do know how she is. Families... You only choose your spouse. Everyone else in your family is chosen by fate. That is an old understanding in my family. But it's not the differences that create the tension, it's the similarities. Afterward, back at home, I realize. As I value Buddhist practice as a vehicle of self understanding, so I should value aunt Firebrand as a carnival mirror unto my faults. Thank you aunt Firebrand.