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bittersweet

these are quotations from a book of affirmations by mike montiero. mike montiero is a selp-abuse addict who is taking life one step at a time. having grown up surrounded by material possessions, private schools, and people to look after him, at the age of twenty-one he collected his trust fund and took off on his harley to find the "child within". he lives in austin, texas with his cat ted nugent, and works on his bike.

mike is a person who has built a huge wall around himself,
but with many large holes, in very interesting shapes. - david m.

guilt is a flaw in others
with less self-esteem than i.

the resentment others feel toward
me is only a measure of my success.

i will not feel guilty in changing the
world to suit my personal needs.

i will use my bitterness as a
guideline to plot today's strategy.

i take pride in knowing that however much i
love myself now; i can always love myself more.

i take comfort in knowing
there are those who have less.

i carefully weigh other peoples' secrets to
decide which ones give me the best advantage.

i can find comfort in the historical
tradition of shame and exploitation.

i will allow myself to use my friends'
ideas as if they were my own.

i am comfortable using my ivory tower as a
vantage point to watch the passing mediocrity.

in shuffling the deck of my own life
it's ok to throw in some of my partner's aces.

i take inventory of all my friends to see which
ones i can make the best use of today.

i allow myself to use guilt as
a way to get what i deserve out of life.

i accept the unconditional love others bestow
upon me and feel no pressure to return it.

i can use my partner's codependant tendencies to
my best advantage when i'm in financial need.

i appreciate others' ordinariness.

i use the holes in my armor
as emotional bait to lure my prey.

i have the right to decide when telling
the truth is to my best advantage.

my sexual behavior is just an example of the
frontier spirit that made this country great.

i feel whole and alive when experiencing
the grief i have caused around me.

i realize that those who caused my anger
can be helped along on the road to demise.

i recognize the sexuality of children and
accept their desire to be treated as adults.

i forgive others for my mistakes.

my own sexual gratification
is my partner's best reward.

seeing the incompetance in
others is my own salvation.

my time is better spent looking
in a mirror than through a window.

i will no longer live in the
denial of my own greatness.

i am fully deserving
of everything i desire.

steven wright jokes

in case you've never seen him, steven wright is a stand up comedian who delivers all his jokes as a series of absolutely dead pan no expression statements. so imagine these statements being made in a quiet, almost monotone delivery ... For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!

(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Dennis." I said, "Hello, Dennis. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

just in case you were wondering...

• all of the clocks in pulp fiction are stuck on 4:20.
• on a canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the parliament building is an american flag.
• if she were life size, barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.
• no word in the english language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
• "dreamt" is the only english word that ends in the letters "mt".
• all 50 states are listed across the top of the lincoln memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
• almonds are members of the peach family.
• winston churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• there are only four words in the english language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• the longest place-name still in use is: taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a hill in new zealand .
• los angeles's full name is "el pueblo de nuestra senora la reina de los angeles de porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "l.a."
• a cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• an ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
• tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• in most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• al capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• the only real person to be a pez head was betsy ross.
• the ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
• the characters bert and ernie on sesame street were named after bert the cop and ernie the taxi driver in frank capra's "its a wonderful life"
• a goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• a dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• on an american one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
• the giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
• who's that playing the piano on the "mad about you" theme? why it's paul reiser himself.
• the male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
• the name for oz in the "wizard of oz" was thought up when the creator, frank baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw a-n, and o-z, hence "oz."
• the microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• mr. rogers is an ordained minister.
• john lennon's first girlfriend was named thelma pickles.
• the average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• there are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
• "stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
• in kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
• kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during w.w.i.
• einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. his parents thought he might be retarded.
• in los angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
• about a third of all americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (who studied this and why?)
• you're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
• an average person laughs about 15 times a day.
• research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
• penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
• the average person is half an inch taller upon rising in the morning.
• a sneeze zooms out of your mouth at up to 600 m.p.h.
• thomas edison was afraid of the dark.
• a saudi arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
• a neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
• donald Duck comics were banned from finland because he doesn't wear pants.
• the average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
• in 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - bhutan.
• every person has a unique tongue print.
• your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
• women's hearts beat faster than men's.
• pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
• bubble gum contains rubber.
• you can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
• only 55 percent of all americans know that the sun is a star.
• the sound of e.t. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jello.
• if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for weeks.
• most American car horns honk in the key of F.
• the world population of chickens is about equal to people.
• every time beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
• in 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
• a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in south bend, indiana.
• about 70 percent of americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
• it's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in kansas.
• some toothpaste brands contain antifreeze.
• sigmund freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
• millie the white house dog earned more than 4 times as much as president bush in 1991.
• bird droppings are the chief export of nauru, an island nation in the western pacific.
• there are more plastic flamingos in america than real ones.
• most lipstick contains fish scales.
• mosquitoes have teeth.
• spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
• hypnotism is banned by public schools in san diego.
• the three best-known western names in china: jesus christ, richard nixon, and elvis presley.
• when snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
• most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
• 27 percent of u.s. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
• "kemo sabe" means "soggy shrub" in navajo.
• aztec emperor montezuma had a nephew, cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."

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