SMASH THE STATE A weekly television series of political satire and commentary Saturday, April 20, 1996 * The Monologue * The Bottom Ten List: "The Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be President" * The Official Report * Double Talk: "Clinton and Dole Offer a Real Choice" * Viewer E-Mail _________________________________________________________________ THE MONOLOGUE By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996 (Live from Austin -- where the pavement of the main street, Congress Avenue, will be reinforced to handle the extra weight of city buses just before the bus routes are being moved off of Congress Avenue -- it's Saturday night. And now for something completely dissident, here's Gary!) Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to our show. (1) Smash the State tonight declares itself an anti- terrorism program. That way, if anyone dares to criticize us, we can reply, "You're not for terrorism, are you?" Now that we are calling ourselves an anti-terrorism program, anyone who objects to us must be for terrorism. (2) Speaking of terrorists, the FBI finished searching the cabin of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynski. Then, following tradition, the FBI rammed it with tanks and burned it to the ground. (3) President Clinton is going to star as himself in a CBS movie. It is the story of a dying girl whose wish is to meet the President of the United States. In the film, she gets a big surprise when she meets President Clinton in person. And she gets an even bigger surprise when he drops his pants. (4) Austin City Council Member Jackie Goodman, who is running for re-election, said this week that she was unaware that she had been indicted 26 years ago for possession of marijuana. I guess marijuana does tend to have that effect on people. _________________________________________________________________ THE BOTTOM TEN LIST "The Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be President" By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996 Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand this week's Bottom Ten List. From the state headquarters on Cesar Chavez Street, the category is the Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be President. The Unabomber has become a cult hero. There is even a Unabomber for President political action committee. Here are the Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be President. Minus 10, Forget Star Wars. He could just mail nuclear weapons to our enemies. Minus 9, Like Yassir Arafat, Nelson Mandela, and other former terrorists, he would be eligible for a Nobel Peace Prize. Minus 8, He would save the taxpayers money by not using the electricity or indoor plumbing in the White House. Minus 7, With the Unabomber in the White House, Postal workers would be too scared to be disgruntled. Minus 6, Instead of that boring, obsolete State of the Union address, he would deliver an exciting annual 35,000-word manifesto. Minus 5, Out: the Presidenial limosine. In: a shiny, new bicycle. Out: Air Force One. In: Greyhound Bus One. Minus 4, The era of big government would really be over. Rather than abolishing bureaucracies, his mail bombs would be demolishing bureaucracies. Minus 3, "Hail to the Chief" would be replaced with "Pop Goes the Weasel." Minus 2, At last, a real environmentalist in the White House! And the Minus 1 reason the Unabomber should be President, President Unabomber would have vetoed the Anti-Terrorism Bill. We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this be treason, make the most of it. _________________________________________________________________ "No man is wise enough or good enough to be trusted with unlimted power." -- Charles Caleb Colton _________________________________________________________________ THE OFFICIAL REPORT By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996 This is the Official Report. The stories you are about to hear are true. THE STATE OF THE WORLD (1) The Minnesota Republican Party hired cameraman Alan Lloyd to videotape Democrats napping at their desks and in other embarrassing poses on the floor of the state House. When Lloyd showed up for work at the Capitol, "They gave me a seating chart with the Democratic side circled in blue, with little notes saying things like, 'This guy sleeps a lot.'" The videotaping ended when the Democrats figured out what Lloyd was up to. Democrats called the taping sleazy. (2) North Carolina Congressman T. Cass Ballenger, a Republican, charged in a press release that his regulatory-reform bill was vetoed by President Clinton due to "election-year politics." In fact, the bill never got out of committee and a Ballenger spokeswoman said the release was in error. (3) The U.S. Postal Service is considered a change to speed up delivery of its Priority Mail: The post office began taking bids from private companies to operate parcel sorting centers. Not allowed to make bids were the government agency's major competitors, Federal Express and United Parcel Service. The proposal drew prompt criticism from the American Postal Workers Union, which has continually fought against private contractors. THE NEW WORLD ORDER (4) Liquor is heavily taxed in Finland. Tourists from Russia and other former Soviet republics routinely turn a quick profit by selling duty-free alcohol and cigarettes during day-trips to the Nordic country. The Interior Ministry estimated that 2 million quarts of illegal alcohol were sold in Finland in 1995, most of it brought from Russia across the 790-mile-long border. The state retail liquor monopoly Alko reported a 10-percent drop in revenues, mainly due to illegal sales and duty-free alcohol imports by Finns. In Helsinki, Parliament took action to curb the illegal liquor sales caused by the difference in taxes: It banned duty-free imports by citizens of Russia and other former Soviet republics who remain in Finland for less than 72 hours. TO PROTECT AND SERVE (5) He was once a cause celebre. A popular song was written about him. Rubin "Hurricane" Carter spent 19 years in prison for a murder he said he did not commit. A contender for the world middleweight boxing title in the 1960's, Carter, who is black, was arrested in Patterson, New Jersey, in 1966 and charged with killing three white men. In 1986, a judge ruled that racism and the withholding of evidence had caused him to be jailed unfairly. Last week, Hurricane Carter was arrested as he left a restaurant in Toronto, Canada. Inspector Jim Martin said Carter matched the description given by an officer of a suspect in his 30's. Martin admitted it was unusual to arrest Carter, who is 60 years old, said the discrepency could be explained because Carter was in such good physical fitness. (6) A security camera in a convenience store recorded three Buffalo, New York, police officers helping themselves to munchies during burglary calls. The videotape showed no one was in the store each of the two times police arrived after alarm calls on a Saturday night, but the camera captured them eating potato chips, candy bars, and soda pulled from the shelves. Officers Michael Brown, Larry White and Jerry Stover were placed on paid suspension. But District Attorney Kevin Dillon said he would not file charges against the officers because the videotape was made public only after the store owner sold it to a television station for $200. (7) A British citizen smoked a cigarette in a lavatory on a United Airlines flight from London to Washington, D.C., while covering the smoke detector with his arm. He resisted efforts by the crew and passengers to get him out of the lavatory and an attendant was hit on the bridge of her nose and the first officer suffered a cut knuckle. The passenger, Jantzen Shaun Coles, pleaded guilty before a U.S. District Judge to interfering with flight attendants. He was sentenced to 30 months in prison. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK (8) The federal income tax is so complex that many government officials who enforce and write the tax laws do not prepare their own returns. The Commissioner of Internal Revenue, Margaret Milner Richardson, is a tax lawyer, but she hires a professional to do her return. The New York Times reported that, of the 37 members of the House Ways and Means Committee, 30 said they hired professionals, only 4 prepared their own returns, and 3 declined to comment or did not respond. Of the 19 on the Senate Finance Committee, 15 hired a tax preparer, 2 did their own, and 2 had no comment. The chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, Congressman Bill Archer, boasted that he was "the first Ways and Means chairman to do his own taxes." But the Wall Street Journal reported that, after spending 16 hours on his return, Archer filed for an extension. READ MY LIPS (9) Walter Mondale, who ran against Bob Dole in 1976 for Vice President, says Dole is beatable. "Even I beat him." (10) Finally, the quotation of the week. Communist China allows only a few people to own guns, but many guns are acquired on the black market. The government's solution is to reduce the number of people allowed to carry firearms. Says the official newspaper China Daily, "Despite a nationwide crackdown on illegal production and smuggling of firearms launched by the Ministry of Public Security, illicit gun ownership is becoming a threat to public order." And that's the Official Report, where you hear it's farce. _________________________________________________________________ DOUBLE TALK "Clinton and Dole Offer a Real Choice" By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996 (ON THE LEFT) Gary, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole offer us a real choice. There is a big difference between them. Bob Dole is a conservative. He is an extremist on the far right controlled by the right-wing of the Republican Party. All of us Democrats are united behind President Clinton and we are supporting him with enthusiasm. With Bill Clinton at the top of the ticket, his candidacy will help the Democratic Party. President Clinton is not just another wishy-washy political hack who has changed his position on the issues after consulting the latest opinion polls; no he is not like Bob Dole. Bill Clinton is a consistent man of principles and integrity. He will run of his record of his many accomplishments. With Bill Clinton and Bob Dole on the ballot, thoughtful voters will have no trouble deciding which to vote for. (ON THE RIGHT) Gary, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole offer us a real choice. There is a big difference between them. Bill Clinton is a liberal. He is an extremist on the far left controlled by the left-wing of the Democratic Party. All of us Republicans are united behind Senator Dole and we are supporting him with enthusiasm. With Bob Dole at the top of the ticket, his candidacy will help the Republican Party. Senator Dole is not just another wishy-washy political hack who has changed his position on the issues after consulting the latest opinion polls; no, he is not like Bill Clinton. Bob Dole is a consistent man of principles and integrity. He will run of his record of his many accomplishments. With Bill Clinton and Bob Dole on the ballot, thoughtful voters will have no trouble deciding which to vote for. (ON THE LEFT) Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong reasons. The one thing this country really does not need now is extremism. The people do not want radical change from the status quo. Having a President who is willing to compromise discourages the special interests from making unreasonable demands. But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative. (ON THE RIGHT) Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong reasons. The one thing this country really does not need now is extremism. The people do not want radical change from the status quo. Having a President who is willing to compromise discourages the special interests from making unreasonable demands. But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative. _________________________________________________________________ VIEWER E-MAIL Smash the State, April 20, 1996 Smash the State is on the Internet. Visit our web site at http://members.aol.com/sedition . Smash the State welcomes electronic mail from viewers. Here is some actual mail from actual viewers. Letter number 1. (Felix "Skip" Meyer, Austin, Texas) This is from Felix "Skip" Meyer. "Dear Mr. Authority: Is Bob Dole related to the Dole Pineapple Company people and fortune? And, if so, shouldn't he be tending to his pineapples instead of running his mouth off as he runs for President? -- Signed, An Oxymoron" Dear Ox: No, Bob Dole has nothing to do with fruits. In fact, at one time he even refused to take a donation from the Log Cabin Republicans. But, being Bob Dole, he then changed his mind and took the money anyway. Send us your electronic mail. We may read it on the air. Our e-mail address is sedition@aol.com . _________________________________________________________________ That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday, April 20, 1996, a date which will live in infamy. Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The revolution will be televised. _________________________________________________________________