SMASH THE STATE A weekly television series of political satire and commentary Saturday, May 18, 1996 * The Monologue * The Official Report * Double Talk - "Government Policy Can Bring Down Gasoline Prices" * The Light at the End of the Tunnel _________________________________________________________________ THE MONOLOGUE By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996 (Live from Austin -- the city with its own Music Commission -- it's Saturday night. And now for something completely dissident, here's Gary!) Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to our show. (1) Bob Dole has surprised everyone by resigning from the U.S. Senate before his term expired. Apparently, he wanted a head start on collecting his generous Congressional pension. (2) The U.S. Postal Service carried out a sting operation last week in which it sold child pornography in the mail. The government actually took over a mail order firm that specialized in child porn, using its mailing list. Still, there should have been a tip-off that the Post Office was selling porno. Did you notice this? Mr. Zip was replaced with Mr. Unzip. (3) President Clinton was shocked to hear from teen-agers who said they were able to buy cigarettes six out of ten times in convenience stores, although sales of tobacco products to minors were prohibited. At the same time, kids were able to buy illegal drugs ten out of ten times from their classmates. (4) A jury has convicted a mother and father for the crimes of their 16-year-old son. I think this trend of blaming the relatives of criminals is going too far. What's next? Prosecuting the brother of the Unabomber suspect? At least, the parents of the Mendendez brothers won't be hauled into court. (5) The ValuJet airline crash near Miami has been the big news story recently. This is getting serious. There are almost as many plane crashes these days as Amtrak derailments. (6) You may recall that two weeks ago, the Official Report profiled Boston's new transportation commissioner. William E. Luster had caused three car accidents, received five speeding tickets, and was arrested twice for driving with a suspended license before he was hired to oversee traffic safety and parking in Boston, Massachusetts. Well, there is some sad news. He has been forced to resign. But on the bright side: For any other cities looking for a traffic commissioner, Mr. Luster is now available. We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this be treason, make the most of it. _________________________________________________________________ THE OFFICIAL REPORT By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996 This is a special edition of the Official Report, Austin City Limits. The stories you are about to hear are true, only in Austin. (1) The City Council has passed an ordinance requiring bicycle riders to wear a helmet. Bike riders caught breaking the law are subject to a $50 fine for the first offense and $100 for each subsequent violation. (2) Two citizens banned by the Mayor from speaking to the City Council at public hearings sued in federal court. One accepted an agreement to have the ban lifted if he promised under oath not to disrupt any more meetings. The Council had voted to lift the ban on the other. The federal judge, Sam Sparks, called the hearing a "silly proceeding." And the Mayor, Bruce Todd, said, "If this happens again, I will press criminal charges for disrupting a meeting." (3) For its live coverage of the election returns in the recent City Council election, the municipal access cable channel chose as its objective moderator, "journalist" and City Council member Brigid Shea. When the selection generated some complaints from viewers, Shea explained "Nobody is unbiased." (4) A curb cut provides wheelchair access between a sidewalk and a street and usually costs less than $1,000. But the City Council appropriated $365,000 for two curb cuts on the northwest and southwest corners of Sixth and Brazos Streets. Nearly all of the money is to give the intersection a brick overlay, redo the sidewalks in sandstone, and replace modern lighting with "historic" lightpoles. But by calling it a curb cut, the project can be funded with money for the Curb Ramp Improvements Project. One advocate for the disabled, Jennifer McPhail of ADAPT, told the Austin Chronicle, "It's corporate welfare in the guise of access." But ADAPT endorsed it anyway. The overall beautifaction project requested by a lobby for downtown landowners, the Downtown Austin Alliance, will cost $597,000 and will be partly funded from a federal multi-modal transportation grant. (5) The "Fair Campaign Funding Ordinance" is not off to a good start. Under the city law, candidates who signed a "contract" to abide by campaign contribution limits would be eligible for some public funding during the campaign for a run- off election. Candidates who did not voluntarily sign this contract had to include a notice in their ads saying they did not comply with the Fair Campaign Funding Ordinance. Most candidates did not sign the contract. Two candidates who signed the contract made it into the run-off and may be eligible for $21,662 in public funds. One candidate, Daryl Slusher, has pledged not to accept the money. The other candidate, Beverly Griffith signed the contract two weeks after the deadline and exceeded the limit on funding from her own pocket, but still claimed compliance in her campaign literature. (6) The City Council debated a proposal for a new bureaucratic position, Pedestrian Coordinator. Council Member Max Nofziger offered this defense of the $45,000-a-year, full-time job: "It's not silly." And that concludes this special edition of the Official Report, Austin City Limits, where you hear it's farce.. _________________________________________________________________ DOUBLE TALK "Government Policy Can Bring Down Gasoline Prices" By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996 (ON THE LEFT) Gary, government policy can bring down gasoline prices. We should help the consumer by slapping a windfall profits tax on the big oil companies. Why should the corporations that drilled and produced the gasoline make a windfall when prices go up? The government should make that windfall. President Clinton has shown decisive leadership by selling some of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, after the Republican Congress authorized him to. By dumping a fraction of one day's use of oil on the market, the federal government has already brought significant relief to the consumer. Most important, the Clinton Administration is getting to the bottom of this crisis with a full-scale anti-trust investigation. Obviously, Chevron, Citgo, Exxon, Shell, Texaco, and those other competitors are some sort of monopoly. (ON THE RIGHT) Gary, government policy can bring down gasoline prices. We should repeal Bill Clinton's 4.3-cent-a-gallon gas tax -- without cutting federal spending an equal amount. Yes, we can cut taxes and not cut spending. Trust me. It will work, just like Voodoo -- I mean, Reaganomics did. It is too bad Bob Dole had to resign from the Senate after he failed to get his gas tax cut through Congress, even though the Republicans controlled a majority in both houses; but Bob Dole will be an effective leader as President. One thing he can do is abolish Jimmy Carter's Department of Energy, just like Ronald Reagan and George Bush promised to. Gas prices would be even higher if it were not for President Bush's Gulf War, which preserved our access to Mid-East oil. And when the sanctions on Iraq are lifted, prices will go down again. (ON THE LEFT) Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong reasons. The federal government has to do something about the rise in gasoline prices because the people want it to. It is perfectly reasonable to expect the big oil companies to provide us with cheap gasoline without letting them make unlimited profits. But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative. (ON THE RIGHT) Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong reasons. The federal government has to do something about the rise in gasoline prices because the people want it to. It is perfectly reasonable to expect the big oil companies to provide us with cheap gasoline without letting them make unlimited profits. But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative. _________________________________________________________________ THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, May 18, 1996 Finally, the era of big government is over. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has ended its four-year investigation of Hooters. The EEOC had decided to end its crusade to force the restaurant chain to hire men as waiters to work alongside its scantily clad female servers. The federal agency charged Hooters with violating civil rights laws. The EEOC offered to settle the case if the restaurant would pay a $22 million fine and set up a scholarship to boost job opportunities for men. The company refused and fought back with an advertising campaign designed to make the bureaucracy look like a laughingstock, featuring a "Hooters Guy" wearing a dress. EEOC Chairman Gilbert Casellas annnounced: "Denying any American a job simply because of his or her sex is a serious issue which should be taken seriously. The particular factual issues raised by Hooters do not transform this into a frivolous case or a subject for locker-room humor." But he finally has decided that "it is wiser for the EEOC to devote its scarce litigation resources to other cases." You see, there is light at the end of the tunnel. _________________________________________________________________ That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday, May 18, 1996, a date which will live in infamy. Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The revolution will be televised. _________________________________________________________________