You know you're a Leftie if: You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Malcolm Turnbull is god. You hate Keating jokes. You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm. You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral. You agonize over threats to the natural environment but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution). You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment. You believe the Sporting Shooters Association helps criminals while the Civil Libertians protect the innocent. You think Natasha Stott-Dispoja is totally hot. You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the Australian people are undertaxed. You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes. You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals. You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren't. You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding. You considers the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose stronger penalties for criminals and welfare reform but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life. You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and Mardi Gras types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy. You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of colonisation and the White Australia Policy. You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt. You marched against Australian involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 500 Australian troops in Cambodia are vital to our national interests. You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Robert Menzies is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past half-century. Lastly, you're a leftie if - you don't get the point of this column.