I enjoy living in the Tampa Bay area, especially after moving from the frozen tundra of Portland, Maine, where it is eternally cold and snows every other day (except in July). There are plenty of job opportunities here, as well as a wide variety of recreational opportunities.
But there is a downside to living in paradise. I've observed a significant problem throughout the Tampa Bay area that has the potential to affect the quality of life for all of us. You see them on many street corners, with more and more setting up shop every single day. They promise a cheap and quick fix, but don't tell you about the habit that will last for many years, costing you countless dollars, and is almost impossible to overcome.
Is this a drug problem? No, it's even worse. The police can arrest drug dealers and get them off the streets. This epidemic is legal, and as a result, is getting worse every single day: It's the proliferation of beepers, complete with paging cartels can supply your habit on almost any street corner and strip mall in the Tampa Bay area.
But first, a history lesson: During the good old days (last year), beepers were expensive. People wearing them had a certain aura about them since few people could afford them. You assumed that a person wearing a beeper was a doctor on-call 24 hours per day, just in case they needed to be reached so they could perform an emergency lifesaving operation. Or even a secret agent, who would have to interrupt the wining and dining of his beautiful girlfriend at the local Denny's, and fly to the other side of the globe and defuse a nuclear bomb.
Recent advances in technology, as well as marketing efforts by the paging cartels, have made beeper ownership much more affordable. A majority of these units are owned by businesses so that their employees will be readily accessible. Even more disturbing are statistics that show the personal use of beepers to be steadily rising.
I can understand the necessity of a beeper for a person who spends most of their working day on the road, such as a truck driver or contractor. But I've seen elevator operators at prestigious downtown hotels who wear beepers. I have a feeling that their boss probably knows their route. It's just a matter of looking at the little light to see what floor he is on. Or how about the funeral director that I met at a recent funeral. What's his hurry to return a phone call? Will his client get up and leave?
You should also beware of bosses that want to issue you a beeper. A friend of mine was recently promoted and then given a beeper, complete with the following note from his boss: "congratulations...here is your very own beeper". He is now in pager prison, and mandatory overtime on his days off or vacation is just a phone call away. So beware of your boss if he or she has a smile on their face and a beeper in their hand with your name on it.
A growing number of people are getting beepers to use off the job. They are lured by cheap, monthly payment plans. (Beware: $4.95 per month may seem cheap, but read the fine print: You are signing up for a minimum of 600 years of service. On the other hand, if you are reincarnated in the year 2525, your beeper will still work).
Despite the find print, thousands have signed on the dotted line. These cheap payment plans are causing an epidemic of these electronic pests. If you doubt me, just remember the last time you were in a public place, and a beeper went off. There was a hush in the room as everyone stopped what they were doing to see if it was their beeper crying for attention. Just think how many times you have gone into a restaurant or movie theater, and there was a sign at the front door requesting that "personal paging devices be turned off while you are in the establishment". You could be a mad terrorist, carrying an AK-47 machine gun, and they still would let you in as long as your beeper was turned off.
What if you thinking of getting a beeper? Beware of the slick advertisements that may entice you into buying one. They use the same basic theme that getting a beeper will instantly change your life, and you'll wonder how you lived without it. For example, while listening to the radio during my daily commute, I've heard a commercial produced by a member of the pager cartel. It sounds just like a country and western song, except that the singer vocalizes about how good life is, and if you get a beeper, you'll always be getting paged several times a day with yet more good news. The commercial then ends by singing about how nice it is to receive a message along the lines of "hi honey, I love you and I miss you". If you do get a beeper, your significant other will page you every hour, on the hour, with this message to express their eternal love for you.
I feel that this commercial should have been made more realistic so it wouldn't be so deceptive. If I wrote the lyrics, they would go something like this (just add appropriate music): "mandatory overtime, sick kids, the dinners ruined......bad news is only a page away......the roof leaks, the furnace quit, fix this place up now!......bad news is only a page away.....my car got stolen, I can't get to work, please help......bad news is only a page away. In other words, you will get the good news sooner, but you will also get the bad news just as fast.
After you've had a beeper for a while, you will cringe overtime you hear that ominous beeping sound, wondering the news will be. Some people have even been known to have nightmares about beepers. In a famous case, one women had a nightmare involving scenes from Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds. However, all of the attacking birds had been replaced with hundreds of thousands of beepers, all attacking the citizens of a small town. Just think about that when you sign on the dotted line for $4.95 per month.
Return to Dan's Humor Page.