Missourians Overwhelmingly Reject State Marriage Amendment

In a move that surprised nobody and proved pundits correct, the people of Missouri rejected a proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage by an overwealming 83% majority.

Voters from all corners of the state echoed the same reaction. Sitting with her friend over a bowl of sun-bathed prunes, Opal Johnson from Kingdom City resonated with popular sentiment. “I can’t say I know any homos. However, common sense dictates that a clear delineation between religious—i.e., arbitrary—and logical principles demands rejection of such a morally capricious statement in our state’s highest document.”

“These aren’t esoteric concepts,” echoed Ms. Johnson’s bridge partner, Mildred Buchanan. “And honey,” cackled Opal as she picked up a puzzle piece, “What’s next—a constitutional codification of Kant’s view of epistemic truth? Mildred, it’s a barn!” she exclaimed as she put in the last piece to the puzzle.

Since the late 1800s, Missouri has been known as the “Show-me State,” in reference to the usual professorial, lucid style in which Missourians are known to communicate. If you want to be shown the steps behind a principle or supposition—to be “Missourified,” as the saying (sometimes in annoyance!) goes—never look further than a Missourian to pontificate on some elaborate theory.

Caught at a pump behind his shack in the southern Missouri Ozarks, Skeeter O’Donnell took a moment to wipe his forehead, pick a piece of pork chop from his incisors, and share his thoughts on the defeated amendment. “I remember Ma used to say, with us all sitting by the fire at night, that our state was, and always should be, the defender of minimalist, classical liberal government philosophy. Church is church, she’d say, and state is state.” Skeeter chuckled as he gazed upward. “That was Ma: if it wasn’t socio-political economic theory, it was a drunken stupor with angry ramblings on Somali-Yemeni maritime disputes.” Skeeter slapped his knee and laughed, “She could churn out some cryptic hypothesis as well as she could churn out gas after a helping of Granny’s chili!”

To be sure, Skeeter represents the complex, contradictory personality of the average Missourian. Caught between a down-to-earth, pantheistic philosophy of nature and the Gateway Arch-high intellectual tower of abstract reasoning, the average Missourian is often a conundrum to his less sophisticated American countrymen.

When asked about the multifaceted Missourian mind, Harvard political scientist J.M. Applebaum minced no words: “Missouri stands out as a beacon of tolerance, with a fierce dedication to individual liberty and community-minded welfare. It’s no wonder that the Massachusetts brain drain pipes straight to Jefferson City.”

Indeed, to celebrate Missouri’s unique, cutting-edge intellectual and cultural tradition, Jefferson City is hosting the 2004 “Reason and Tolerance” celebration. In its “speaker’s corner” tradition, quaint but cosmopolitan Jefferson City will, yet again, turn into a brewing stew of culture, tolerance, and intellectual freedom.

Other trend-setting, culturally advanced states are following Missouri’s lead: the governors of Arkansas, Wyoming, Mississippi and Virginia are leading “Reason, YES! Religious bigotry, NO!” days.

Indeed, the governor of Mississippi planning perhaps the most extravagant celebration: a public reading session of aphorisms from Frederick Nietzsche’s “Human, All Too Human," proceeded by the public marrying of two girls, both age fifteen, the legal age to marry in Mississippi. In a press statement, the governor commented: "by extending the right of life-altering, far-reaching commitments to fifteen year-old children, Mississippi is a pioneer in children's rights. Now, Mississippi will take the lead in extending marriage rights to gay and lesbian children."

Other states planned equally motivating activities. Flanked by a portrait of civil segregation-rights activist George Wallace, Governor Bob Riley will stand at the door of the University of Alabama’s Foster Auditorium and demand that no heterosexuals be allowed in until the state recognizes same-sex marriages, thus carrying Alabaman idealism into the 21st Century.

posted by Ben at 7.6.04