From Jay Leno
At the press conference, Linda Tripp defended herself by saying this scandal has never been just about sex. And today, Clinton said, 'Hey lady, what White House were you working in?'
At the Treasury department, Vice President Al Gore revealed a new type of savings bond. It's the Al Gore bond. It has absolutely no interest. Please don't confuse this with the President Clinton savings bond -- that one never matures.
Today is the 25th Anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Of course you know, that's when the Republicans broke into Democratic headquarters, looking for their secret plans and their platform.It also marked the last time the Democrats had any ideas worth stealing.
VH-1 had a special that was called 'Bill Clinton, Rock'n'Roll President.' Actually, the original title was 'Touched by a Governor' but they had to change that.
According to a Nickelodeon poll, if the kids could vote, they would re-elect Bill Clinton. You can see why kids relate to Clinton. He likes sneaking out of the house whenever he can, his favorite food is McDonald's, gets caught lying all the time. Of course kids are gonna vote for him.
Today they held the Miss Teen USA beauty pageant, or as Clinton likes to call it, "the home shopping network".
President Clinton ordered military strikes against terrorist operations in Afghanistan and Sudan, or as the Pentagon is calling it, Operation Get-Monica-Off-the-Front-Page.
If you are wondering why Clinton chose the map room, I guess his aides figured if Clinton was gonna get to the truth, he was definitely gonna need a map.
You see Clinton and Hillary on the news, holding hands, walking into church? That was the best acting I've seen since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie kissed at the MTV Music Awards.
A lot of people are saying that President Clinton did a bad job of apologizing to the country last week. Now there's talk he'll make a second address to the nation sometime early next week. They're taking a tip from NBC in promoting this thing, they're saying, "If you haven't seen these lies, they're new to you!"
Democrats are very upset about this tape being released. They say the tape will only humiliate the President. I'm sorry. Maybe Clinton should've thought about that before chasing Monica with his pants at his ankles with an El Producto.
President Clinton gave a joint news conference today with Czechoslovakian President Vaclav Havel. It was kind of confusing because of the language problem, because English is a foreign language to Havel, and the truth is a foreign language to Clinton.
Now it was detained in the paper today that the two ministers are bringing in a third minister to meet with Clinton. They didn't have this much trouble with "The Exorcist"! That was just a two-man job, and her head was spinning around!
From Late show with David Letterman
Top Ten Clinton Nicknames or Ben and Jerry Flavors
10. Slick Willie
9. Chunky Monkey
8. Double Nut Joy
7. Subpoenas 'n' Cream
6. Impeach-Mint
5. Candy Pants
4. Chocolate Chip Doughboy
3. Chilly Hillbilly
2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
1. Vanilla
Top Ten Things on Clinton's To Do List
10. Meet with advisors to settle on prison nickname.
9. Erase score-keeping marks from Air Force One lavatory.
8. Get hillbilly friends to ride past Kenneth Starr's house, hit mailbox with baseball bat.
7. Call FTD -- Send "You Better Not Talk Bouquet" to Cokie Roberts.
6. Check out Paula Jones after nose job. Hit on her?
5. Wedding gift for Barbra and what's-his-name.
4. Have Webster's Dictionary change definition of the word "lie" so it has a more positive ring to it.
3. Executive order re-opening New York City sex shops.
2. Explore possible "I'm gay" defense.
1. Check out real estate prices in hell.
From other sources
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Bill Clinton.
Clocks
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today,
why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea
and graciously accepts the offer.
St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room
and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come
to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how
much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the
person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds up his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room
before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.
On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he
asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a ceiling fan."
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field.
The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, `Throw the first PITCH!'"
