How does that feel?
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to
roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be
fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he
finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage
him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
It sure is hot
An Illinois man left the streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife, on a business trip, was planning to meet him the next
day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only
the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At
the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for
your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S: Sure is hot down here.
You have a dirty mind
[Answers Below]
1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and
means the same as intercourse?
2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman
has only two of?
3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow
it?
4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6). What four letter word begins with f and ends
with k, and if you can't get one you can use your
hands?
7). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
8). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
9). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
[Scroll Down For Answers]
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (fork)
7. (Almond Joy candy bar)
8. (grit)
9. (last name)
Politics at work:
Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says,
"I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild.
"I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
The Pope and the Queen:
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my
hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not
just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
Smart Comebacks:
* A man enters the house with snow all over him.
Q: Snowing outside?
A: Nope, there was a giant outside the house who flicked his cigarette ash all over me.
* A girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet.
Q: Sorry, did that hurt?
A: No, not at all, I'm on local anaesthesia. Why don't you try again?
* At a restaurant: To the waiter.
Q: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good?
A: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally spit in it, as well.
* At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years..
Q: Chickoo, you've become so big.
A: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
* When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call..
Q: Sorry, were you sleeping?
A: No. I was playing soccer for Brazil at Rio and just when you called Ortega was betting with me that Argentina would win. What do you
think?
* When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair..
Q: Hey have you had a haircut?
A: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
* At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Q: Tell me if it hurts?
A: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.
* You see a cute girl wearing tennis attire and holding a tennis racquet at a tennis centre.
Q: You play tennis?
A: Nope, this is the latest fashion, just trying to catch a rich guy's attention. As for the tennis racquet, I feel that it has a faster
head speed and thus better than an umbrella in warding off perverts.
* A man sleeping soundly when his friend wakes him up.
Q: You asleep?
A: Yes, and I am having a dream about some idiot asking me whether I am asleep.
* See a friend walking into the room drenched.
Q: Raining outside?
A: No, Nice and sunny day outside, so hot that I poured some water over myself.
* See a friend at the canteen with some food at 8am.
Q: Having breakfast?
A1: Nope, I am on a diet, just bought this food to enjoy the aroma.
A2: (look blur) Breakfast? I'm having my dinner. You overslept, did you?
What are ya in for?
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I
couldn't walk for a year!"
:-)